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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So I had dinner with my mother tonight. Was going fine...

Then she said "did I tell you I have started seeing a therapist?"

(I cringe)

"well... I told him all this stuff and he said I should tell you some of it... so ... do you want me to tell you? I think it will help you understand me better"

I said yes. What am I going to say... no?

OH MY GOD... the things she told me. I mean... I just thought she had a bit of a drug experience in college (in the 70s... does that even count?) and I knew she had one boyfriend in high school that hit her.

Well... she just added to that list quite a few things that are way way way way way way way way worse... I mean.. it's like worse than a soap opera.

It's pretty bad and I don't think I should talk about it on here (molestation, abortion, abuse, secrecy). My head is just reeling though. I don't know what I'm supposed to think... I don't know how this is going to affect me... the knowledge of it I mean. I wonder if it would've been helpful to me to know this stuff earlier.

Bob Pr.~ Your thing about repeating patterns... I'm starting to believe it. While what happened to me wasn't nearly as bad as what happened to my mom... my situation could have easily have been worse... and it was only a combination of my personal strength and a bit of chance that made all the difference.
 

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I'm sorry your Mom dumped all of this on you. I'm a firm believer in many things are better left unsaid.
What was the point of her dumping all of this on you? It won't change what happened. She really just needs to grow up.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Uggg... I dunno... the sympathetic and empathetic part of me feels bad for her... but part of me is mad at some of the story (I mean... one of the "bad" people she actually allowed in my life... and was "relieved" that he died before I was 12... um.... wtf did you allow him in my life for?)... and another part is mad that she didn't tell me sooner (cause it might have helped me to know this information)

gaaaa...

I so don't need this.

Where is my puppy? I need an uncomplicated loving relationship in my life.
 

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Uggg... I dunno... the sympathetic and empathetic part of me feels bad for her... but part of me is mad at some of the story (I mean... one of the "bad" people she actually allowed in my life... and was "relieved" that he died before I was 12... um.... wtf did you allow him in my life for?)... and another part is mad that she didn't tell me sooner (cause it might have helped me to know this information)

gaaaa...

I so don't need this.

Where is my puppy? I need an uncomplicated loving relationship in my life.
You need a new Mom.
Mom's are supposed to protect their kids from bad stuff, not dump it on them.
 

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I'm sorry, Linds.

My husbands mother has dumped all her "feelings" and "experiences" on him and it was a lot for him to bear. It led to a two year break in their relationship.

It's really hard emotionally on the child in the relationship. No matter the age. It makes me wonder why the therapist would suggest for her to dump it all on you.
 

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Bob Pr.~ Your thing about repeating patterns... I'm starting to believe it. While what happened to me wasn't nearly as bad as what happened to my mom... my situation could have easily have been worse... and it was only a combination of my personal strength and a bit of chance that made all the difference.
They certainly do, although most always with some variation.

While the information could've been passed on in a better, more helpful way, I'm glad you have it. I suspect her relationship with her mother (& father) and their relationships with their sibs contributes a great deal to how she treats you and your brother.

Hopefully therapy will help her.



 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
It's a mixed bag. Some of the things I wish I didn't know... some of it I wish I had known sooner. I'm not sure it helps me in any way at this point as I was pretty much "over" the stuff that happened to me and can't imagine me ever being in a situation like that ever again (it's impossible... I'm too smart/old/experienced)

If anything... it makes how she treats me even worse as I now know she exposed me to one of the very people that did the absolute worst things to her... and it was only through him getting cancer and dying that he didn't have a chance to do it to me. Family secrecy was more important than protecting me I guess. (she claims she worried about it constantly and made sure she didn't leave me alone with him... ummm... I remember many times being alone with him)
 

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What a lot to dump on you. Try to take it in stride (I know it's difficult). Your stronger than her Linds, and you have more faith in your own capabilities. Always trust yourself.

Get your pup and start enjoying all the wonderful good things there are in life.
 

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Oh man, Linds.
it makes how she treats me even worse as I now know she exposed me to one of the very people that did the absolute worst things to her... a
I think you should tell her that.
 

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I feel for you! My mom does the same kind of stuff. It took me years to realize that she has problems, and they don't have to be my problems. My mom is an adult, and the decisions she has made are hers alone. Whenever my mom brings up the past, I just go to my mental happy place. I don't ask questions and I don't indulge her (with my mom this is what she wants more than anything). I don't have any advice, but I definitely sympathize with what you are going through.

{{{{HUGS}}}} . . . now go get a puppy! ;)
 

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IMO, I think you shouldn't just rely on what she passes on to you but question her more about her relationships with her mother and father, her sibs, and their M&F's relationships with her sibs. And, if at all possible, go back another generation to try to understand what was happening to those people then.

McGoldrick's book (paperback), "You Can Go Home Again," could be very helpful in giving you the tools to map out your family and understand repeating patterns.

Whether you explore and try to understand these family forces and the way patterns, hurts, get transmitted and modified through the generations -- or not -- depends on the individual and where they're at. For those ready for such exploration, it can be very helpful; for those not ready, maybe later.

Some lines from one of T.S. Eliot's "Four Quartets" captures this for me:

"....We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time."

 

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Ugh. I don't think it's fair that she dumped all of that on you, but now that she did, I think you should use the opportunity to question her more on some of her actions. If she's going to therapy, she could work through some of the problems.
 
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