[Golfgirlrobin]

Here's the background. My husband has an ex-wife who works for his partner, so we still deal with her on a pretty regular basis. I've talked about her before; calling her erratic would be kind. She's a screamer, basically treats my husband like dirt anytime she feels like it, but has in recent months gone back to using her married name and introducing herself as Mrs. Chris Smith, as if she's still married to my husband. Over the years she has made several comments to me about how she thought that they would have gotten back together if I hadn't come along. She had breast cancer a couple of years ago and has just been told it's returned and she is an emotional mess, understandably, and keeps calling Chris to talk to him about it.

So she is supposed to go to Chicago next week with one of my husband's partners for a big conference. Yesterday the partner had to drop out cause of a family crisis and it is being suggested that my husband go instead.

Although I trust the husband completely and told him that, I also threw a fit the likes of which he has never seen. I put up with a lot when it comes to her to keep peace in the business, but I felt that this was a place where I had to draw a line in the sand. I believe I may have pointed out that there was no freakin way he was going to freakin Chicago with his freakin ex-wife. Only I didn't really say freakin.

Had the ex ever re-married, I would probably feel differently about this, but it all just strikes me as really unseemly and it appears we have reached the point beyond which I will not be pushed. I would also feel differently if he wasn't the boss; if he was an employee and it was part of his job then I would just have to take it.

So what would you do if your spouse announced they might be going off alone for a week with their ex-spouse?

 

[kelli]

So she is supposed to go to Chicago next week with one of my husband's partners for a big conference. Yesterday the partner had to drop out cause of a family crisis and it is being suggested that my husband go instead.

Do you know this to be true or are they plotting?

I don't have a husband.. but honestly.. i'm gonna go will hell freakin' no.. with a different word for freakin'.

She doesn't sound like a person who respects your marriage..

 

[MyGoldenBoy]

Regardless of her marital state and emotional status, the appearance of impropriety is a great big screaming monster that the company should pay attention to.

My take: The company should send someone else in her place if they really need your husband to go. If the other guy had to drop out, his assistant/secretary/whatever should also drop out and a new team should be sent. If that can't be done, your husband should gracefully decline the suggestion/invitation.

 

[jzgrlduff]

Well my husband and his ex despise eachother with every last breath, so it wouldn't bother me a bit.

but has in recent months gone back to using her married name and introducing herself as Mrs. Chris Smith, as if she's still married to my husband.

OK, wait. I remember you telling us that before. Why again though? What was she before she took his name back? Doesn't he legally have to give his permission to do that? I know in NJ you do.

Wow, tough one, Robin.

 

[amazongold]

First of all, she has no business going back to using her married name if she had stopped using it after the divorce. Red flag #1.

Second, telling YOU that 'they would have gotten back together if you hadn't come along' is tantamount to saying "I want him back." Red flag #2.

Third, she should be calling her family and friends for comfort and support, not her ex-husband who is remarried. Granted she is an emotional mess, but he is no longer her spouse or her support. Red flag #3.

Finally, there is no way in hell I'd let my husband go away for a weekend with his ex when she has made it so plain that she wants him back and will stoop to whatever it takes to get him back! If he absolutely has to go - do whatever it takes to go with them.

 

[Golfgirlrobin]

The partner really does have a crisis; his brother has cerebral palsy and there is some sort of problem. And he likes me better than the ex. He said once that he would fire her but she scares him, and I think it's probably the truth.

 

[BoatDog]

GOOD FOR YOU! Cancel the trip for all concerned if at all possible - if not, you go with her, ought to shut her up long term!

 

[Maple1]

My take is that if you really trust him there should not be a problem. It's not like they are sharing a room right? It is a business trip.

 

[Allie]

I think you're very justified in not wanting him to go. I would absolutely feel the same way, especially based on the ex's bizarre behavior.

 

[dweck]

I'd go too! Three's a crowd. Which may be exactly what this situation calls for.

 

[Clanceycanuck]

Wow what a tough situation. Have to go with NO WAY if it was me.

 

[Samson]

Don't blame you one bit ! She sounds as freaky as my ex wife who used to take great pleasure telling everybody that I was her Ex when we met socially instead of just letting it lie !

Your husband should go on his own !

 

[Samson]

My take is that if you really trust him there should not be a problem. It's not like they are sharing a room right? It is a business trip.

Your comment is based on common sense and it appears that she doesn't have any ! I suspect her morals may be the same !

 

[Golfgirlrobin]

When we talked about it with cooler heads this morning, I told him to call Dr. Laura and if she had no problem with it then I'm good with it. lol.

I honestly do trust him. He had years to go back to her before we met, if that's what he had wanted, and frankly we are just really happy together. He is, however, the kind of guy who never knows when women are flirting with him, and doesn't seem to realize how easily this could turn into an awkward situation for everybody if she were to put a move on him. It could have longterm consequences for our business and relations within the partnership that are better off avoided.

And there's just something really basic and primal that says hell no.

 

[Maple1]

Your comment is based on common sense and it appears that she doesn't have any ! I suspect her morals may be the same !

She might not have common sense, but he may. If there is a real concern that the business may be impacted by her behavior she should not be going in the first place. If the concern is only personal - she trusts her husband.

As an aside - I went on a business trip with a hot 60+ lady from work and my wife wasn't concerned

 

[gundog]

I have a great relationship with my Exwife. When we are in her part of the country we always get together for dinner or two.

My wife accepts it completely.

I would never go on a trip with her though........My wife is so understanding that I would not want to push her that far. Just would'nt seem right to me.

 

[BigBrownDog]

He probably really needs to go there as a principal in the business (if this is a conference where he is interacting with clients/potential clients). What is the good reason for her to be there if she is just a worker bee? Is there no one else who does what she does in the company?

I agree - in theory - it is a business trip, they are not sharing a room, he does not like her - but I've been to a lot of these and you throw in a few drinks with some folks and all bets are off.

Even if nothing at all happens this will generate talk in the company.

 

[Golfgirlrobin]

I have a great relationship with my Exwife. When we are in her part of the country we always get together for dinner or two.

My wife accepts it completely.

I would never go on a trip with her though........My wife is so understanding that I would not want to push her that far. Just would'nt seem right to me.

That's kind of how I feel about it. She's around our social circle, what there is of it, a lot. They have many old friends in common. They have an elderly friend that they take to dinner together quite often. I have no problem with any of it. But there is a point where it's pushing too far.

 

[joflake]

First of all, she has no business going back to using her married name if she had stopped using it after the divorce. Red flag #1.

Second, telling YOU that 'they would have gotten back together if you hadn't come along' is tantamount to saying "I want him back." Red flag #2.

Third, she should be calling her family and friends for comfort and support, not her ex-husband who is remarried. Granted she is an emotional mess, but he is no longer her spouse or her support. Red flag #3.

Finally, there is no way in hell I'd let my husband go away for a weekend with his ex when she has made it so plain that she wants him back and will stoop to whatever it takes to get him back! If he absolutely has to go - do whatever it takes to go with them.

I agree with you. And if she asks why you're coming along, tell her to her face you don't trust her. I really think she shouldn't go and someone else should take her place. And what's your husband doing letting her use his name? That doesn't seem right.

 

[Golfgirlrobin]

Well he can't really stop her from using the name. She went back to her maiden name after the divorce but never filed paperwork to legally change it. So she can go back to the married name whenever she likes, no matter how weird and inappropriate it is.

Chris could say something but after 10+ years of being constantly screamed at by her, he doesn't like to rock the boat and get her started. He's a non-confrontational sort by nature and he'd be a lot more upset by saying something to her than by just letting it go.