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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is a long vent..........Anybody have one of these?

Here's a quick sketch. Dad's Aunt (Betty) and Uncle (Ed) have a child. They are NOT equipped to raise said child. Oh sure they have money and give lots of love, but don't ever say the word "No." and mean it. Said child grows up. Will call him Junior. Junior borrows scads of money off his parents to start a couple of businesses that fail because Junior can't be bothered to work. Junior gets to 40ish and gets a woman pregnant. Both he and the woman say they want the child. Child arrives and neither one really wanted the child. We'll call the child Bob. Grandparents who did such a good job with Junior want the child. Grandparents (Betty and Ed) raise Bob. This time Ed wants to try to say "No.", but Betty undercuts him at every turn. Fast forward 18 years. Junior is still not really in the picture.

Bob goes to the big city for college. Betty and Ed try to visit him when Ed is dying. Bob's a no show. Ed dies. Bob visits and has to be persuaded to attend funeral. Soon after my Dad has to get involved.

Bob spends $30, 000 in 3 months because his Betty is losing her mind. Every couple of days she was sending him thousands of dollars because as she spiralled into dementia she thought "I have to take care of Bob. I have to send him money." Does Bob ever say hey Betty what are you doing? Nope. Just goes through the cash like water. Does Bob pay his tuition or rent with the money that Betty sent? Of course not. Bob has no idea how to write a cheque or pay a bill.

Betty is lucky to have a great sister-in-law (Bea). Bea notices that Betty is losing it and gets her into a care home and gets power of attorney. Payments to Bob stop temporarily.

Dad and Bea decide Betty needs to sell her house to pay for nursing home. They also decide to give Bob some money for rent and tuition. They give Bob a couple thousand dollars. Bob spends it without paying rent or tuition. Bob vigorously denies doing drugs (umm, yeah right). Dad and Bea eventually decide to pay Bob's rent directly to the landlord and buy his college supplies, so he doesn't waste the money. Betty didn't have much of a nest egg because Junior "borrowed" a lot of her savings to start his failed businesses. Dad and Bea decide to try to protect what's left in case Betty lives in care for a long time.

Bob fails out of college and moves in with Junior. Junior kicks him out. Bob flounders a bit but eventually lands a job and a place to live for at risk youth.

Fast forward to late last year. Betty's health is really failing. Can Bob be bothered to meet my parents in the city at a set time to visit her? He did a couple of times, but then stopped. Bob has a job and seems to be headed in the right direction. Betty dies. Bob gets $50, 000. Almost half of that is gone within a couple of months. Bob calls my Dad. He got kicked out of the at risk youth place for acting up. He needs a place to live and someone to sign as a guarantor. My Dad foolishly agrees, but wisely gets enough money from Bob to cover a year's rent and got a written statement releasing him (my Dad) from any further responsibility at the end of the year.

The problem? Bob always calls when he needs money or has a problem. He has fed my Dad so many lies and half-truths and Dad still seems to believe he can help Bob.

I want my Dad to write Bob off. I've tried telling him that's the only way Bob will ever learn to stand on his own 2 feet but Dad never listens.

Today, my Dad called and wanted to know how to find person X in Vancouver. Why? Bob said X had a good job and said he could live with him, but Bob couldn't find him. My Dad is old school so he called 411. My Dad wanted to know how to find X on Facebook. I told him Bob would be better at this than him. I looked up X on Facebook and lo and behold he's already friends with Bob. This is not the first kind of falsehood he's told my Dad knowing that my Dad was not technologically savvy.

My Dad is not in good health. I want him to stop trying to help Bob.
 

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Of course he should stop "helping" Bob - but will he? Probably not. It sounds like that whole side of the family are "enablers" to the nth degree. Most of the time, they don't learn from past experience - sorry.......
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Of course he should stop "helping" Bob - but will he? Probably not. It sounds like that whole side of the family are "enablers" to the nth degree. Most of the time, they don't learn from past experience - sorry.......
Thanks.
The latest is he's being evicted for having a messy place. Hence the need to find X and a new place to live. Currently Bob lives in Toronto.
I hope he goes to Vancouver.
 

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Dad and Bea decide Betty needs to sell her house to pay for nursing home.
My support for LoserBob would have stopped right here and never proceeded onto:

They also decide to give Bob some money for rent and tuition. They give Bob a couple thousand dollars.
Gah! No! If Betty needs the proceeds of the sale of her house for ongoing care, they go to BETTY, not LoserBob!!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
My support for LoserBob would have stopped right here and never proceeded onto:



Gah! No! If Betty needs the proceeds of the sale of her house for ongoing care, they go to BETTY, not LoserBob!!!
Yeah, but they felt they had to honour Betty and Ed's promise to help Bob with tuition. The money ended after a year when he flunked all the way out of college due to lack of effort. Like I said he moved in with Junior and it didn't work out and found himself at an at risk shelter for youth when Betty died. I want my Dad to let him flounder again as it's the only way Bob will figure out how to stand on his own 2 feet. I guess my Dad feels bad that he's going to waste the $50, 000 in a year and have almost nothing to show for it............
 

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OMG is this for real?!
I guess my Dad feels bad that he's going to waste the $50, 000 in a year and have almost nothing to show for it............
That's not your Dads problem to feel bad about.

Oh my gosh what a nightmare. I'm sorry you're related to these people!
 

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hmmmm....unfortunately some people like to feel needed. Bob gives your dad purpose in life...maybe? Some good deed your dad feels he needs to continue to honour aunts memory? Your dad needs a project? sad, really. My sis is like this...she did foster care for a few years 20 years ago for a couple teenagers...these boys, now troubled men keep popping into her life asking for money and other help. My sisters continues to give them money and housing if needed. They are both on drugs and spend time in jail on occasion...real role models for her own young children. :rolleyes:
 

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Holy cow, Bob sucks! The only way for a person to stand on their own two feet and take care of themself, is if they are made to do so. Although your dad's heart is in the right place, Bob won't grow up until your dad stops helping him.
 

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"I want my Dad to write Bob off. I've tried telling him that's the only way Bob will ever learn to stand on his own 2 feet but Dad never listens."

I KNOW , I BELIEVE you
but honey - and this is said with some wisdom ... people will do what THEY want to do ... all you can do is pick up the pieces if it gets to that

enabling folks like Bob isn't healthy but if it lets your dad sleep better at night it's ok - it really is only money ...
 

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I don't think that there is anything wrong with your Dad wanting to help Bob. There should be more families like that! But I think that handing money to Bob is not the help he needs. At the very least - there should be a disinterested 3rd party managing the funds and doling them out to Bob based on need (like directly to a landlord). And - there should be a requirement that Bob get into a job training program or something similar.

An adult who has been raised with no guidance or expectations is not going to grow his own set - so to speak.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 · (Edited)
Oh. My Dad is doing that. He's doling out Bob's money to his landlord directly every month.But Bob thinks he's above having a joe-job for extra money. He thinks he's too good for that stuff. Bob's money will run out this summer I believe. Bob chose an expensive apartment in Toronto and has roommates, but refused to get a job to cover his other expenses. Instead he collects some rent from one of his roommates. He doesn't charge his boyfriend rent although I gather he lives there, too. Bob wants to be on a program called the "Frugal Life" as apparently he thinks he lives frugally now. He doesn't buy his own drugs now, he uses his friends drugs. He just went through $800 in 3 weeks and none of that was to cover his rent or living expenses.

Bob needs to flounder and get back into a place like he was before Betty died. He had a job. He respected the limits the shelter placed on him and he seemed to be shaping up.

Brody- I think you're right. My Dad'll do whatever he wants and I do think it probably helps him sleep better at night.

I really don't think Bob would want to/ is interested in getting into a job training program.
Bob was in college for art. Apparently he's quite talented, just not motivated. With his windfall from his Grandma he could have re-registered in college, but didn't. (The college would let him make up some courses). Could have paid off student loans, but didn't. It goes on and on. He agrees to what my Dad tells him, but then he never follows through. For a time there he was just avoiding my Dad. They'd make plans to meet in TO somewhere and Bob would be a no show. Dad would call his cell and it would be off. Of course Bob told my Dad he didn't know why he didn't get Dad's call. I had to explain to my Dad that when a cell goes directly to voice mail that it's off and that it was unlikely Bob didn't notice his phone was off.
 
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