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~~Warning This is a long rant I needed out of my system~~
Okay this has been bothering me since Friday, so maybe if I just type out some long meandering rant it’ll make me feel better. It’s long and probably jumps around all over the place, but you guys are the ones I feel I can holler about this too and you’ll understand it some.
First some back story otherwise the rant probably won’t make sense to anybody other than me. A lot of you know that I’m a recovering anorexic. I’ve struggled with it since I was 12. I have had no support on this from anyone until I entered therapy myself at twenty-one, and then only my therapist was my support system until I met Shane a little over three years ago. At my lowest I was 90lbs (40kg) at the height of 5’6..to which my doctor at the time told me I was fine and didn’t need to lose or gain any weight. I found a new doctor to say the least, one that’s familiar with my disorder.
My family knows about the disorder, not the specifics, mainly because I didn’t want them judging me about it and secondly they are a large contributor to it and they offered no support what-so-ever when I needed it. To give an example…
When I had broken my leg my dad took me to the hospital for the initial visit (they missed the break that night and said I had just a sprain), Phoenix was so good for him Dad offered to buy us McDonalds on the way back to my apartment I had at the time. As we’re pulling in my Dad asks what I want. I replied I only wanted a soda, he quickly says “Soda if awful fattening.” I immediately perk up and say “Well it’s not like I need to worry about that.” He retaliates “You’ve put some weight on lately…” I was up to like 100lbs…. I said “Well I needed to.” He just says “You’ve put some weight on” and bought my soda and Phoenix’s meal.
A few weeks later after Phoenix and I had moved back home for a brief stay, before Shane and I bought the house, I was scooting down the basement stairs to do laundry (My leg was still in its cast) and was mentioning to my dad that I was going to start up quilting like my grandma had been teaching me. He replies “Well make sure you don’t just sit around doing just that or you will get as fat as your aunt Kathy. (I hate this aunt as she is a total *$&$#.) I said “Umm I don’t think that’ll happen.” He replies “Neither did your mother but she got fat too.” I lost it. I said “Alright dad THAT IS IT! YOU are not allowed to mention my weight, my eating habits, or my exercise routine at ALL. It is off limits to you completely keep your **** mouth shut about it!! I am not my mother and I sure as hell am not your bit** a$$ sister!” He started chuckling and I said “NO! I am dead serious the subject is off limits to you!” Then I finished scooting my butt down the stairs and did laundry. He still found ways to quip about my activity levels from time to time until Shane and I closed on the house, but it was much less frequently.
So now let’s move on to my mum. She has always been obsessed with weight..ALWAYS but never does a darn thing about it, other than go on some fad diet for about 4 days and then quit. Well she got a job that was a lot more physical in nature so she started to lose some weight and tone up some and I was happy for her, she was a lot more happy herself and she wasn’t as sick as often and stuff. Well at this time I was pretty far into my anorexia working out stage. I worked out like crazy..I wasn’t at my bottom yet but this is when I was heading there. She just got it in her head that it was just absolutely fabulous that she weighed less than her daughter and she just wouldn’t SHUT UP about it. On and on and on and on she went. Finally I snapped and said YEAH? I’m 5’6…you are 5’0 YOU SHOULD WEIGH LESS THAN ME, and since it’s only 5lbs why don’t we compare stats?!” Then I stomped off to my room.
When I got down to where you were seeing ribs, I was changing one day and she said “**** girl look how skinny you are.” Yay praise for looking like a starving child. Once I got into my therapy I started mentioning to her my disorder and how small I had gotten. She never asked questions about it just simply replied “I never noticed you that small, it must have been when I wasn’t around much.” Mm okay. So the point of these stories is that both my parents and multiple family members know that I have a disorder and it’s a very touchy subject and my weight and such shouldn’t be a topic of conversation unless I feel like talking about it.
Well mom has convinced her doctor (same one that told me I was fine) that she is obese and needs diet pills. So she’s on legal speed, not changing her diet habits, and not implementing her work out routine. Plus she’s on like 28384 different medications for all her ‘problems.’ She’s been diagnosed with I haven’t a clue anymore how many disorders. I’m a psych major…she’s got a borderline personality that’s her only problem. So anyway I can’t imagine diet pills going well with her medications to begin with. So she’s been dropping weight because of the pills. She is always calling me “Oh I lost this much this week, or I only lost 3lbs this week.” Blah blah blah.
So finally on to Friday and why I need to rant!
I had to drive to Columbia which is about 30-40 minutes away to pick up the dogs’ food and Phoenix wanted to go to my Moms’ instead of going on the long car ride. Surprisingly she answered her phone and said she’d watch him!! So I drop him off, pick up the food and go back to her house for a while. I’m there about 5 minutes and she asks me what size pants I wear. “I haven’t a clue, I’ve got a couple of guys shorts to wear right now because they’re comfy.” Also my mother still shops in the little girls department (I.E. teens) where as in the past couple of years I’ve started to finally develop a woman’s body. (I’m 27 btw) and I’m really enjoying this experience, having curves and such so I’m looking at woman’s clothes. So no I haven’t a clue what size little girls pants I wear. Anyway she replies “Well I bought these 10’s and they’re going to be too big for me really soon so if you want them, you can have them when they’re falling off my hips soon.” Grit teeth, “Okay sure Mom if they fit me when they don’t fit you anymore I’ll take them.”
Later on I’m laying on her kitchen floor playing with her Cocker Spaniel and German Sheppard as Phoenix is running around and I’m talking to my mom. Then her boyfriend comes in, looks at me for a second…then whispers in my mom’s ear. She grins and says “Well Phoenix has been.” I say “What?” She just gives me this “I’m talking about you” smile and just starts talking to her boyfriend. She was talking about weight. I was so pissed off. I’m still pissed off about it. Where does she get off talking about my weight? Where does she get off talking about my kids weight? I mean who the #*@ does she think she is? She KNOWS not to do this crap and then she pulls it off anyway.
Now I know my mom has never and will never be a mother figure. It’s just not who she is, she’s stuck being a teenager. Her current job is working with troubled teens (yeah that’s going great since she acts just like them, one is suppose to be coming to live with her soon!). She just never grew up, I raised her and my brother as a kid. I’ve made peace with that and I try to just keep a good friend like relationship with her, because she is my mother and the only one I’ve got. So normally when she pulls sh** like this I just roll my eyes, and try to get off the phone with her as soon as I can, knowing that’s just how she is. But this just pushed me over the edge for some reason and as we’re on the way home Phoenix keeps talking about “What happens if I get fat mom?” I say “well we’ll start eating more healthy and doing exercise so you won’t be fat anymore.” He keeps asking about it and I say “Who told you the word fat?” he replies “Nana did.” I said “well don’t listen to nana and her talks of fat, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about!” He said “Okay, we’re healthy people right mommy?” I said “Yup Pj we’re healthy people!”
So now I’m doubly hacked off because she made me mad and then she’s talking about weight issues to my 9 year old!! GAAAHH.
Then the other day she tries to tell me how awful life was like growing up at home. 1st I know life was bad with my grandpa, I know that. 2nd ever since I started studying psychology she has been trying to use me as a free counselor. 3rd I don’t want to hear about it. I don’t want to counsel her about it, I don’t want her trying to tell me because her life was cruddy with my grandpa it makes up for what an awful mother she was when I was a child. 4th I’m supposed to be her child not the other way around and I’m bloody well sick and tired of trying to fix her, for her! Go yell at grandpa’s grave for his behavior. I was mistreated as a kid, I had abuse and all that crap as well, guess what I went to therapy and I dealt with it, I’m not going to be telling Phoenix about it!! I’m not going to say because I was raped it gives me a free ticket to do whatever the hell I want, because it doesn’t!!
You will never see me being irresponsible or doing something just stupid and saying “Well my bi-polar is acting up today.” PFFTT she’s not bi-polar she’s a friggin borderline.
Sorry I needed to get that out, and I can’t say it out loud because Phoenix is always with me. Thanks for letting me be a sounding board.
PS if any of you have borderline personality I understand that most borderlines deal with their problems and become responsible individuals so I am in no way saying borderlines are bad people. I’m just saying my mom uses hers as an excuse.
Okay this has been bothering me since Friday, so maybe if I just type out some long meandering rant it’ll make me feel better. It’s long and probably jumps around all over the place, but you guys are the ones I feel I can holler about this too and you’ll understand it some.
First some back story otherwise the rant probably won’t make sense to anybody other than me. A lot of you know that I’m a recovering anorexic. I’ve struggled with it since I was 12. I have had no support on this from anyone until I entered therapy myself at twenty-one, and then only my therapist was my support system until I met Shane a little over three years ago. At my lowest I was 90lbs (40kg) at the height of 5’6..to which my doctor at the time told me I was fine and didn’t need to lose or gain any weight. I found a new doctor to say the least, one that’s familiar with my disorder.
My family knows about the disorder, not the specifics, mainly because I didn’t want them judging me about it and secondly they are a large contributor to it and they offered no support what-so-ever when I needed it. To give an example…
When I had broken my leg my dad took me to the hospital for the initial visit (they missed the break that night and said I had just a sprain), Phoenix was so good for him Dad offered to buy us McDonalds on the way back to my apartment I had at the time. As we’re pulling in my Dad asks what I want. I replied I only wanted a soda, he quickly says “Soda if awful fattening.” I immediately perk up and say “Well it’s not like I need to worry about that.” He retaliates “You’ve put some weight on lately…” I was up to like 100lbs…. I said “Well I needed to.” He just says “You’ve put some weight on” and bought my soda and Phoenix’s meal.
A few weeks later after Phoenix and I had moved back home for a brief stay, before Shane and I bought the house, I was scooting down the basement stairs to do laundry (My leg was still in its cast) and was mentioning to my dad that I was going to start up quilting like my grandma had been teaching me. He replies “Well make sure you don’t just sit around doing just that or you will get as fat as your aunt Kathy. (I hate this aunt as she is a total *$&$#.) I said “Umm I don’t think that’ll happen.” He replies “Neither did your mother but she got fat too.” I lost it. I said “Alright dad THAT IS IT! YOU are not allowed to mention my weight, my eating habits, or my exercise routine at ALL. It is off limits to you completely keep your **** mouth shut about it!! I am not my mother and I sure as hell am not your bit** a$$ sister!” He started chuckling and I said “NO! I am dead serious the subject is off limits to you!” Then I finished scooting my butt down the stairs and did laundry. He still found ways to quip about my activity levels from time to time until Shane and I closed on the house, but it was much less frequently.
So now let’s move on to my mum. She has always been obsessed with weight..ALWAYS but never does a darn thing about it, other than go on some fad diet for about 4 days and then quit. Well she got a job that was a lot more physical in nature so she started to lose some weight and tone up some and I was happy for her, she was a lot more happy herself and she wasn’t as sick as often and stuff. Well at this time I was pretty far into my anorexia working out stage. I worked out like crazy..I wasn’t at my bottom yet but this is when I was heading there. She just got it in her head that it was just absolutely fabulous that she weighed less than her daughter and she just wouldn’t SHUT UP about it. On and on and on and on she went. Finally I snapped and said YEAH? I’m 5’6…you are 5’0 YOU SHOULD WEIGH LESS THAN ME, and since it’s only 5lbs why don’t we compare stats?!” Then I stomped off to my room.
When I got down to where you were seeing ribs, I was changing one day and she said “**** girl look how skinny you are.” Yay praise for looking like a starving child. Once I got into my therapy I started mentioning to her my disorder and how small I had gotten. She never asked questions about it just simply replied “I never noticed you that small, it must have been when I wasn’t around much.” Mm okay. So the point of these stories is that both my parents and multiple family members know that I have a disorder and it’s a very touchy subject and my weight and such shouldn’t be a topic of conversation unless I feel like talking about it.
Well mom has convinced her doctor (same one that told me I was fine) that she is obese and needs diet pills. So she’s on legal speed, not changing her diet habits, and not implementing her work out routine. Plus she’s on like 28384 different medications for all her ‘problems.’ She’s been diagnosed with I haven’t a clue anymore how many disorders. I’m a psych major…she’s got a borderline personality that’s her only problem. So anyway I can’t imagine diet pills going well with her medications to begin with. So she’s been dropping weight because of the pills. She is always calling me “Oh I lost this much this week, or I only lost 3lbs this week.” Blah blah blah.
So finally on to Friday and why I need to rant!
I had to drive to Columbia which is about 30-40 minutes away to pick up the dogs’ food and Phoenix wanted to go to my Moms’ instead of going on the long car ride. Surprisingly she answered her phone and said she’d watch him!! So I drop him off, pick up the food and go back to her house for a while. I’m there about 5 minutes and she asks me what size pants I wear. “I haven’t a clue, I’ve got a couple of guys shorts to wear right now because they’re comfy.” Also my mother still shops in the little girls department (I.E. teens) where as in the past couple of years I’ve started to finally develop a woman’s body. (I’m 27 btw) and I’m really enjoying this experience, having curves and such so I’m looking at woman’s clothes. So no I haven’t a clue what size little girls pants I wear. Anyway she replies “Well I bought these 10’s and they’re going to be too big for me really soon so if you want them, you can have them when they’re falling off my hips soon.” Grit teeth, “Okay sure Mom if they fit me when they don’t fit you anymore I’ll take them.”
Later on I’m laying on her kitchen floor playing with her Cocker Spaniel and German Sheppard as Phoenix is running around and I’m talking to my mom. Then her boyfriend comes in, looks at me for a second…then whispers in my mom’s ear. She grins and says “Well Phoenix has been.” I say “What?” She just gives me this “I’m talking about you” smile and just starts talking to her boyfriend. She was talking about weight. I was so pissed off. I’m still pissed off about it. Where does she get off talking about my weight? Where does she get off talking about my kids weight? I mean who the #*@ does she think she is? She KNOWS not to do this crap and then she pulls it off anyway.
Now I know my mom has never and will never be a mother figure. It’s just not who she is, she’s stuck being a teenager. Her current job is working with troubled teens (yeah that’s going great since she acts just like them, one is suppose to be coming to live with her soon!). She just never grew up, I raised her and my brother as a kid. I’ve made peace with that and I try to just keep a good friend like relationship with her, because she is my mother and the only one I’ve got. So normally when she pulls sh** like this I just roll my eyes, and try to get off the phone with her as soon as I can, knowing that’s just how she is. But this just pushed me over the edge for some reason and as we’re on the way home Phoenix keeps talking about “What happens if I get fat mom?” I say “well we’ll start eating more healthy and doing exercise so you won’t be fat anymore.” He keeps asking about it and I say “Who told you the word fat?” he replies “Nana did.” I said “well don’t listen to nana and her talks of fat, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about!” He said “Okay, we’re healthy people right mommy?” I said “Yup Pj we’re healthy people!”
So now I’m doubly hacked off because she made me mad and then she’s talking about weight issues to my 9 year old!! GAAAHH.
Then the other day she tries to tell me how awful life was like growing up at home. 1st I know life was bad with my grandpa, I know that. 2nd ever since I started studying psychology she has been trying to use me as a free counselor. 3rd I don’t want to hear about it. I don’t want to counsel her about it, I don’t want her trying to tell me because her life was cruddy with my grandpa it makes up for what an awful mother she was when I was a child. 4th I’m supposed to be her child not the other way around and I’m bloody well sick and tired of trying to fix her, for her! Go yell at grandpa’s grave for his behavior. I was mistreated as a kid, I had abuse and all that crap as well, guess what I went to therapy and I dealt with it, I’m not going to be telling Phoenix about it!! I’m not going to say because I was raped it gives me a free ticket to do whatever the hell I want, because it doesn’t!!
You will never see me being irresponsible or doing something just stupid and saying “Well my bi-polar is acting up today.” PFFTT she’s not bi-polar she’s a friggin borderline.
Sorry I needed to get that out, and I can’t say it out loud because Phoenix is always with me. Thanks for letting me be a sounding board.
PS if any of you have borderline personality I understand that most borderlines deal with their problems and become responsible individuals so I am in no way saying borderlines are bad people. I’m just saying my mom uses hers as an excuse.
I found the best way to deal with my "real" mom ( I was raised by my step mom from 5 on) was to move 3000 miles away.
