[LuckyGirl]

Okay I'm fresh out of ideas. Phoenix has developed a potty mouth over the last sixish months. 99% of the time it's when he gets mad at a video game or if one of the dogs accidentally hits him with a tail or something.

He usually says "OH SH*T" or "That was was SH*T for letting me die" ect...sometimes he'll drop the F-bomb. Shane and I DO NOT CURSE in front of him EVER. So I don't know where he got the idea this was acceptable behavior.

We have tried multiple things to get him to stop. The problem is he adapts to his consequences. We started putting the game up, that worked for about two days then he just didn't care and went off to do something else. We send him to his room...well that's got MORE video games and movies ect... We have put him on a 'naughty mat' he just sits there and watches us doing whatever we are doing, or he keeps getting up.

He's started backtalking really bad in the last month. Shane will tell him "Go to your room if you're going to keep saying bad words." He gets a reply of "Don't have to!" If we'll tell him to turn off the game he will fight and wait until the last possible second to turn it off. We give him a count down "5,4,3,2,1" to which he counts down with whoever is counting down, then shut off the game and run off to his room laughing. Sometimes Shane will just get fed up and turn the game off himself. OH MY is that a fit. Curse words are sometimes thrown, crying, kicking, hollering.

Phoenix has autism, so just flipping the game off totally throws off his schedule that's something HE is SUPPOSE to DO. If he doesn't get to do it, it just upsets him to no end and it will just put him into a spin, and he has sensory intergration. When he gets wound up like that you can't touch him because he just becomes ultra sensitive.

Anyone have any ideas how to work this out?

 

[Di]

Sorry no suggestions, my kids are in their 20's and I have a potty mouth I am sorry you are having to deal with this, I know it can be really frustrating in regular circumstances, but even more difficult in yours. Does Phoenix go to school, if so they may have some good suggestions! Good Luck- Di

 

[LuckyGirl]

He goes to public school and is in a regular classroom. He's really high functioning, he never says bad words at school.

 

[amazongold]

He goes to public school and is in a regular classroom. He's really high functioning, he never says bad words at school.

Then he is deliberately saying them at home to piss you off and push your buttons. He is acting out. If he has that many games and things in his room, remove them. He gets them back when he stops swearing and doing things he knows he is not supposed to do. If he starts up again, remove them again, and again, and again until he gets the message that his behavior will not be tolerated.

I have friends that did this with their youngest daughter. She lived for several months with nothing but her bed and clothes in her bedroom, but it finally sunk in.

 

[LuckyGirl]

Then he is deliberately saying them at home to piss you off and push your buttons..

I figured that out. I just didn't know how to get him to stop trying to piss me off.

 

[amazongold]

I figured that out. I just didn't know how to get him to stop trying to piss me off.

You piss him off worse. Mom has the power. Take away his things and his privileges. When he behaves, he earns them back. Misbehaving loses them again.

 

[LuckyGirl]

We're going to try that! I have to leave his playstation in his room, because he watches movies to go to sleep by (that is routine and would be HELL ON ME if I took that away..besides he only watches them to go to sleep, never when he's just in there.) but I can take ALL his video games out of his room, even his DS which is REALLY gonna tick him off. He plays that thing EVERY day and EVERY night before bed.

 

[kaisdad]

This is how my parents took care of that problem:

 

[MyGoldenBoy]

I'd also give him something to do that he normally doesn't do or hates. Curse once, you vacuum. Do it again, you wash the bathroom floor. Do it again, wash the car.

 

[Di]

I'd also give him something to do that he normally doesn't do or hates. Curse once, you vacuum. Do it again, you wash the bathroom floor. Do it again, wash the car.

We used a combination of both! Things got taken away and you had extra chores, guess we were seen as "mean" parent's- seeing the results, I wouldn't have it any other way! We raised good people, who are respectful of others and still like to hang out with Mom and Dad!

 

[Bob Pr.]

I've worked with a few families with children with autistic disorders.

I do NOT recommend amping up the punishment or negative consequences.

Instead, I recommend "atonements"or "make ups" (my invention, as far as I know).

This is a consequence that if you did something you shouldn't, you can make up for it -- or atone for it -- by doing something really good.

So, instead of making the child feel bad for doing something undesired, this has the child do something good -- and earn praise -- for doing something worthwhile. (Always tailor the good deed to the abilities and attention level of the child.)

I've always found this to be an extremely effective remediation and it works extremely well with ALL children (although it's the only thing I found that reliably worked with special needs kids). Many normal kids respond to punishing reactions; BUT many do not. Psychologists who study the "laws of learning" will tell you that -- while punishment can help some to learn -- it is the THE (or one of THE) MOST difficult variables to apply effectively.

[BTW, so many parents spontaneously found it SO VERY effective that they used it for settling their own tiffs between each other that I then began using it as an effective technique with adult couples with equally good results, even among those without children.] (But there are some dangers that need to be avoided -- PM me if interested.)

 

[Delmonico]

This is how my parents took care of that problem:

Cam, from a thread over on our CAS board, that Lifebouy Carbolic soap is about 7-8 dollars a bar now if you can find it.

Myself I got whacked on the butt with a ruler and had to sit on a chair for a while. I wasn't allowed to swear till I got my own car and had to work on it.

 

[LuckyGirl]

Myself I got whacked on the butt with a ruler and had to sit on a chair for a while.

I tried to spank him once when he was little. He leaned over and bit me so I whacked him on his bottom and said "NO" I kid you not, the kid looked up at me..laughed..and went back to biting me.

Never tried spanking him again, just don't work on him.

Phoenix is a very..unique child.

 

[theoconbrio]

I tried to spank him once when he was little. He leaned over and bit me so I whacked him on his bottom and said "NO" I kid you not, the kid looked up at me..laughed..and went back to biting me.

Never tried spanking him again, just don't work on him.

Phoenix is a very..unique child.

No advice, just sympathy. We have good friends who have a four-year-old son who behaves very similarly. They do not know exactly what is going on with him yet (they are exploring ADHD and Asperberger's), but he does exactly the same thing. He acts out really dramatically, yelling, saying things he shouldn't say, making enormous messes, breaking things, and whenever they try to punish him he laughs at them or ignores him. (His parents are pretty low-key people, so it's not like he's coming from a chaotic environment.) When they tried to ramp up the punishment he just got more out of control. So you are not alone!

I can say that he's a great kid--smart, funny, creative, lots of fun to be around--when he's *not* being a total terror.

 

[Di]

I'm not against physical punishment, but have to say it was used less then a handful of times with both kids! However they always knew it was an option. I'm not ashamed of that, they never had to ask what the rules were, they never changed, nor did our love for them! I know each and every child is different, and no one knows your child better then you! Just a question Bob, I know you have counseled many kids, but how many have you raised. It could be 12, I have no idea- but to say, that "less discipline is better", just doesn't cut it when raising children. Each and everyone is unique !! Brandie, all I hope for you is that you find what works for you and Phoenix! Di

 

[sarah]

I've been reading a little about children and autism and it just looks like the HARDEST job ... ever! Is Phoenix's autism very severe? From what I have read, children with severe autism don't really understand the concept of 'priviledges' so it's very hard to use them to your advantage and they will also act out quite alot if you remove something they are used to doing or having. They don't understand why it's taken away. You can correct me if I am wrong.

I am with Bob Pr on this and I think you should PM him. I also want to say that raising an autistic child must not be easy and I am in awe of parents who do! I am sure every day is a challenge and I bet you do a great job.

 

[Mama3tikes]

I teach special needs adults (taught kids when I was younger) I would put him on a point system. Sit down with him when all is good and come up with a few rewards that he (and you) would enjoy. If he makes it (you pick the number of days) _ days with out a potty mouth he gets a reward. In the begining make it really easy to get, then it gets harder each time. By doing this you will break the habit of potty mouth with out disturbing his routine too much. I use visual charts at work do what works best for your son. Good luck feel free to PM me if you need an outlet, remember when you are trying to change behavior it will be worst before it gets better so keep going you will change it!

 

[sarah]

^^ that sounds like a great idea!

 

[Delmonico]

I'm not against physical punishment, but have to say it was used less then a handful of times with both kids! However they always knew it was an option. I'm not ashamed of that, they never had to ask what the rules were, they never changed, nor did our love for them! I know each and every child is different, and no one knows your child better then you! Just a question Bob, I know you have counseled many kids, but how many have you raised. It could be 12, I have no idea- but to say, that "less discipline is better", just doesn't cut it when raising children. Each and everyone is unique !! Brandie, all I hope for you is that you find what works for you and Phoenix! Di

You know yer right Di, experince is as important as book learning.

 

[brody]

I was going to say balance consequences with rewards

I too find a reward system pretty effective generally speaking

how old is phoenix?
he sounds like he (like many of the autistic students I've worked with) is very self centred - it really adds to the challenge of parenting I think - hats off to you and drew