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I apologize now if I don't respond to many posts in the future. I'm going to be very busy. I do read most posts, and I always respond to prayers and good thoughts requested, even if I don't say so.

Bill is difficult to live with in the best of times. He has no patience for the boys and is always either yelling at them or bitching about them when they act like dogs. Well, DUH! They are dogs!

His good mood is reserved for everyone else; I get the grumpy, bitchy, gnarly old man. I literally cannot remember the last time he paid me a compliment or said something nice to me. Anyone pisses him off or upsets him, I'm the one he yells at. I tell him not to take it out on me because I am not the one who did whatever it was, but that doesn't stop him.

Now he is already preparing to be 'too sick or tired' to do anything - even though the nurses and doctors have repeatedly told him that the chemo he is getting is not debilitating and that he will have the energy and strength to do anything he wants to (or should) do. He wants to buy a laptop because he's going to be too tired to sit at his desk to use the desk top computer. Excuse me? If you're 'too tired' to sit in a chair, what in the hell makes you think you can use a laptop ... especially when we don't have a wireless setup in the house?

We know that one chemo will make him extremely sensitive to cold, so for a few days after each treatment he will not be able to handle anything from the refrigerator without oven mitts, will have to wear layers of clothes, won't be able to go outside, and can't eat or drink anything cooler than body temperature. Okay, we can deal with that. I have to have meals prepared for him so he doesn't have to open the freezer or handle frozen food. I can do that.

Now he wants to hire someone to come and let the boys out and feed them so he doesn't have to get up when he's resting, or touch cold door knobs, collars, or metal snaps. What would he do if he lived alone?!? Never mind, he would not have pets if he lived alone, because they take time, attention, and work. But we do have gloves that he could wear, and he can put on a jacket.

I'm sorry I'm whining, but it hasn't even started yet and I'm already exhausted. I'm gone from 6:00 am until about 5:00 pm Monday through Friday, giving me about three hours in the evening to get on the computer, fix and eat some dinner, and spend some time with the boys (including Bill) before I get my clothes ready for the next day and go to bed. I spend my weekends doing laundry, cleaning, and running errands that he doesn't get to during the week.

So, while I may be logged on, I'm probably not really at the computer. Forgive me if I don't answer IMs or PMs, I will try to when I see them. I may come here to rant so I don't strangle Bill!
 

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Oh, Jackie. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I really don't know what to say except that come rant whenever you need or want - the journey you are embarking on is never easy but yours seems to be even more challenging than most. But through all of this, please don't forget to also take care of YOU. It's not being selfish, it's the only way anyone will be cared for so if you don't make sure you're OK, it won't help anyone esle either.

Hugs and good thoughts. Stay strong. Stay sane. We're here for you.
 

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I know Jackie... I know EXACTLY what you are talking about.
I love you but that doesn't help right now.
You just blow off steam here whenever you feel the need and KNOW that I am...
Arm in arm with you. Marching...
 

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Sorry you are going through this. Rant away whenever you want to! Good thoughts headed your way
 

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Oh Jackie I am sorry you are going through this. I wish there was a way to help. I am sure you are just as worried as he is. Take time for you.
Good thoughts coming.
 

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Please check with Bill's doctor and see if he can prescribe a couple of home health aid visits per week. The health aid visits aren't for Bill they are for you! My wife is a visiting nurse and has been for over 15 years. She is always commenting on how often the home caretaker is more grateful for the visit than the patient. Not only does the aid's visit give you a little respite it also provides you with an extra set of eyes and ears that you can talk with about things. Sometimes an outsider challenges the patient to do more and be more self sufficient than a spouse can.

Prayers for you and Bill.
 

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I live with his twin ;)

Seriously is he maybe in a bad mood because he is worried about the treatment? I cant imaine how scary it is for you all but he needs to understand it will be hard on you too and that you also need support.

Major hugs to you all xxxxxxx
 

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Please check with Bill's doctor and see if he can prescribe a couple of home health aid visits per week. The health aid visits aren't for Bill they are for you! My wife is a visiting nurse and has been for over 15 years. She is always commenting on how often the home caretaker is more grateful for the visit than the patient. Not only does the aid's visit give you a little respite it also provides you with an extra set of eyes and ears that you can talk with about things. Sometimes an outsider challenges the patient to do more and be more self sufficient than a s

agree so much with this.

also see about signing up with a cancer group there somewhere to have meals delivered and maybe get some help around the house. not for him but for your own sanity.

(((hugs))) jackie.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
I live with his twin ;)

Seriously is he maybe in a bad mood because he is worried about the treatment? I cant imaine how scary it is for you all but he needs to understand it will be hard on you too and that you also need support.

Major hugs to you all xxxxxxx
If the bad mood were something new, I would most definitely understand and totally forgive it. However, it's the way he is, has been for years. Several times I have thought about leaving him, but I have been through so many divorces and I just don't want to go there again, don't want to stop trying to make it work. It's **** hard when you are the only one trying.

God has given me this life and I have promised to do the best with what He gives me. So, I will soldier on and make it work, somehow.

Thank you all for your support, it really means a lot to me. You have no idea how much.
 

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oh lord .. poor you - hang in there

Bill needs to understand that not every symptom that CAN happen with chemo does - and often the side effects don't really start until the treatment is over .. or close to over ...
He can't start fussing about them til he has them surely? (oh wait - of course he can - he's a MAN)
This is going to be extra extra challenging for you - come in and vent when ever you need to

Build yourself supports - do somethign you like even just once a week for an hour or two - walk the dogs, or go to a movie, read a book in a library - don't invite Bill - do it for you and you alone... (you can tell I'm an introvert by the list i came up with eh?) I don't do it but I really should ...
 

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Jackie, I cannot echo enough the suggestion to ask the doctor about helping you to get Home Health Care support. They can be so much help even if it is only a couple of days per week. If that is not possible then maybe find someone to come in and just do the cleaning and laundry for you so you do not have that burden on the weekends. Anything to give you some time for you. And that is so important - even if it just to take the dogs and go out for a walk in peace. You have to find moments of peace in order to get through this difficult time. I have been there with my Dad. I am an only child and I brought him to my home when he could no longer care for and live by himself. The path can be long and sometimes rocky - even in the best of situations. We are here for you and you just rant whenever you need to - your JL frineds are your "safe harbor". {{HUGS}} I will keep you and Bill in my prrayers.
 

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God bless, Jackie. By your side in spirit. Please take care of yourself. We're here for you.
 

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Will be praying for both of you, as others have said, don't forget to take time for yourself. It's hard to do, but please ask for help when you need it.
 
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