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I'm very upset, disappointed and saddened.
As some of you might remember, I'm working on paying off debt I incurred while in school. I have been feeling pretty positive about it lately (paid off 2 cards already) and feeling like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Well... I made the mistake of discussing the situation with my mother.
My mother... whose parents paid for her education, never had to take out a student loan and has never had any debt other than a mortgage... completely freaked out. Despite my assurances that I had everything under control and plan on being debt free (not including student loans) by Dec. '10... she, for some reason doesn't believe me.
She wanted me to basically show her every detail of my financial plan/budget... which frankly, I balked at. We don't exactly have a great history when discussing anything having to do with finances and on my end there is quite a bit of resentment (she's talking about PAYING for my lil brother to go to a private art school... yet she barely helped me buy books a couple of semesters of my public university education) Not to mention... I'm 29 and have been independent for 12 years... it is not her business.
ANYWAYS... we've been going back and forth on this the last couple of weeks (which has really been quite a downer for me) and I thought we had agreed to just not discuss the topic since she wasn't trusting my assertion that I had things under control and I was getting insulted that she didn't believe me.
Well yesterday she started back up again, and mentioned talking to some family friends about my situation.

These particular family friends, I admire and respect. I enjoy hanging out with them and, of all my parents' friends, the ones I care about their opinion of me the most.
I felt like she had just kicked me in the stomach. The idea of her going behind my back and talking to people she knows I am close to about something that is very private to me (and not something I'm proud of) nearly had me in tears. I took a deep breath and tried to calmly explain how hurt and disappointed I was that she had done that.
"what? you didn't tell me that you wanted me to keep that private!"
"you should have told me that you didn't want me to talk about that... can I talk to John about it?... what I can't get new ideas?... "
I thought discussing my personal financial situation clearly falls under any common sense of "topics that should be kept confidential" and said so.
I calmly ended the conversation... basically saying that I was very sad and upset and she didn't need to worry about talking to anyone about the situation because she'd no longer be getting any information about it from me ever again.
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So 24 hrs later... I'm just sick with this feeling of sadness that I feel I cannot trust my own mother. My mother who I have really been trying to have a good relationship with because #1 I want a good relationship with at least one parent and #2 the true hard fact is... we are running out of time. She's not going to be here for another 30 years... that's just a fact.
I am torn because she has done this to me many times... granted this time I feel I reacted pretty calmly and didn't make things worse... but I don't know how much effort I can put into having a good relationship when she seems hell bent on repeating the patterns that have led to long disconnections of the mother/daughter bond. I'm getting worn out and hurt and depressed.
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Anyways... thanks for letting me vent. I'm debating whether to send her an email clearly laying out my feelings but I'm undecided whether it is really worth the effort and if it won't just make things worse.
As some of you might remember, I'm working on paying off debt I incurred while in school. I have been feeling pretty positive about it lately (paid off 2 cards already) and feeling like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Well... I made the mistake of discussing the situation with my mother.
My mother... whose parents paid for her education, never had to take out a student loan and has never had any debt other than a mortgage... completely freaked out. Despite my assurances that I had everything under control and plan on being debt free (not including student loans) by Dec. '10... she, for some reason doesn't believe me.
She wanted me to basically show her every detail of my financial plan/budget... which frankly, I balked at. We don't exactly have a great history when discussing anything having to do with finances and on my end there is quite a bit of resentment (she's talking about PAYING for my lil brother to go to a private art school... yet she barely helped me buy books a couple of semesters of my public university education) Not to mention... I'm 29 and have been independent for 12 years... it is not her business.
ANYWAYS... we've been going back and forth on this the last couple of weeks (which has really been quite a downer for me) and I thought we had agreed to just not discuss the topic since she wasn't trusting my assertion that I had things under control and I was getting insulted that she didn't believe me.
Well yesterday she started back up again, and mentioned talking to some family friends about my situation.
I felt like she had just kicked me in the stomach. The idea of her going behind my back and talking to people she knows I am close to about something that is very private to me (and not something I'm proud of) nearly had me in tears. I took a deep breath and tried to calmly explain how hurt and disappointed I was that she had done that.
"what? you didn't tell me that you wanted me to keep that private!"
"you should have told me that you didn't want me to talk about that... can I talk to John about it?... what I can't get new ideas?... "
I thought discussing my personal financial situation clearly falls under any common sense of "topics that should be kept confidential" and said so.
I calmly ended the conversation... basically saying that I was very sad and upset and she didn't need to worry about talking to anyone about the situation because she'd no longer be getting any information about it from me ever again.
------
So 24 hrs later... I'm just sick with this feeling of sadness that I feel I cannot trust my own mother. My mother who I have really been trying to have a good relationship with because #1 I want a good relationship with at least one parent and #2 the true hard fact is... we are running out of time. She's not going to be here for another 30 years... that's just a fact.
I am torn because she has done this to me many times... granted this time I feel I reacted pretty calmly and didn't make things worse... but I don't know how much effort I can put into having a good relationship when she seems hell bent on repeating the patterns that have led to long disconnections of the mother/daughter bond. I'm getting worn out and hurt and depressed.
-----
Anyways... thanks for letting me vent. I'm debating whether to send her an email clearly laying out my feelings but I'm undecided whether it is really worth the effort and if it won't just make things worse.