[Ender's Mom]

I'm very upset, disappointed and saddened.

As some of you might remember, I'm working on paying off debt I incurred while in school. I have been feeling pretty positive about it lately (paid off 2 cards already) and feeling like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Well... I made the mistake of discussing the situation with my mother.

My mother... whose parents paid for her education, never had to take out a student loan and has never had any debt other than a mortgage... completely freaked out. Despite my assurances that I had everything under control and plan on being debt free (not including student loans) by Dec. '10... she, for some reason doesn't believe me.

She wanted me to basically show her every detail of my financial plan/budget... which frankly, I balked at. We don't exactly have a great history when discussing anything having to do with finances and on my end there is quite a bit of resentment (she's talking about PAYING for my lil brother to go to a private art school... yet she barely helped me buy books a couple of semesters of my public university education) Not to mention... I'm 29 and have been independent for 12 years... it is not her business.

ANYWAYS... we've been going back and forth on this the last couple of weeks (which has really been quite a downer for me) and I thought we had agreed to just not discuss the topic since she wasn't trusting my assertion that I had things under control and I was getting insulted that she didn't believe me.

Well yesterday she started back up again, and mentioned talking to some family friends about my situation. These particular family friends, I admire and respect. I enjoy hanging out with them and, of all my parents' friends, the ones I care about their opinion of me the most.

I felt like she had just kicked me in the stomach. The idea of her going behind my back and talking to people she knows I am close to about something that is very private to me (and not something I'm proud of) nearly had me in tears. I took a deep breath and tried to calmly explain how hurt and disappointed I was that she had done that.

"what? you didn't tell me that you wanted me to keep that private!"

"you should have told me that you didn't want me to talk about that... can I talk to John about it?... what I can't get new ideas?... "

I thought discussing my personal financial situation clearly falls under any common sense of "topics that should be kept confidential" and said so.

I calmly ended the conversation... basically saying that I was very sad and upset and she didn't need to worry about talking to anyone about the situation because she'd no longer be getting any information about it from me ever again.

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So 24 hrs later... I'm just sick with this feeling of sadness that I feel I cannot trust my own mother. My mother who I have really been trying to have a good relationship with because #1 I want a good relationship with at least one parent and #2 the true hard fact is... we are running out of time. She's not going to be here for another 30 years... that's just a fact.

I am torn because she has done this to me many times... granted this time I feel I reacted pretty calmly and didn't make things worse... but I don't know how much effort I can put into having a good relationship when she seems hell bent on repeating the patterns that have led to long disconnections of the mother/daughter bond. I'm getting worn out and hurt and depressed.

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Anyways... thanks for letting me vent. I'm debating whether to send her an email clearly laying out my feelings but I'm undecided whether it is really worth the effort and if it won't just make things worse.

 

[BoatDog]

Lins - not exactly helpful - but welcome to my world - and the email will be a waste of your time or used against you in the future. There are some battles you can't win - and this is one, the manipulation queen will twist and turn even words of hope/praise/goodness against you. I am so so sorry. It hurts - it will always hurt.

 

[dweck]

I know this is barn-door-slamming-after-the-horse-is-gone, but...

Doesn't this....

I made the mistake of discussing the situation with my mother.

conflict w/this?

it is not her business.

In other words, what on earth possessed you to open this door w/your Mom?

I would NOT send her an e-mail or anything else regarding your financial status.

And if she asks, I'd devise some polite but non-commital response: "Things are good, Mom. Thanks for asking..."

And then deftly change the topic to the weather or something.

 

[Ender's Mom]

Well... I had paid off another card... and I was sharing my success and how awesome I was feeling.

And I don't consider that an opening to asking exactly how much money I make, the exact dollar amount of all my bills, and showing her my actual budget for everything from birth control pills to credit card payments to how much it costs to cut my hair.

 

[dweck]

It's a shame she couldn't just be happy for you and leave it at that.....

I'm sorry this has blown up in your face.

Practice those topic-changers: "So... Obama gives the Queen a Royal iPod, Mom. Wonder what was on it...?"

 

[HersheyK's Dad]

So Mom was wrong, she basically violated a trust you had. And you are upset that your situation was exposed to others, you have every right to be upset.

I don't know you, or your mom, or your relationship. But think about this and allow it to temper your feelings. Was your Mom trying to do anything other than trying to talk to others searching for ideas she might suggest to you to aid you in your quest to kill your debt? Maybe it was family gossip, and she should be ashamed if that is what it was. But maybe, just maybe, she was trying to find ways to help you.

 

[jzgrlduff]

when she seems hell bent on repeating the patterns that have led to long disconnections of the mother/daughter bond.

I don't think she's hell bent on purposely doing it Linds, I think it's just part of who she is. My sister and I were talking about my Dad the other day, about certain things he always does or doesn't do. Things that piss her off constantly, me - not so much. I told her "Kris, Daddy is 70 years old. He's been this way our whole lives - it's never going to change". We can argue with him until we're blue in the face, but it's not going to change these things about him. It's just the way it is, and we just have to accept it.

 

[zoezoe]

I'm sorry, Linds. It happens just like Stacey said. My mom shares things with her friends and family members. I've learned to keep things close to my chest that I don't want them to know or say "don't say anything", and figure she does anyway. I know you wanted to share a proud moment with her. Try not to take it too personally, just know that A LOT of our mothers act that way no matter how OLD we are!!

 

[Golfgirlrobin]

I believe I was about 30 when I finally accepted that my mom could not keep her mouth shut about anything interesting, and it was better not to share if I didn't want the world to know. I've stopped creating situations that are just going to end badly.

It's too bad, but you have to work with what you're dealt. I'm afraid you're probably in the same position.

 

[MidwestGirl]

I would not discuss private issues with her again! She can't be trusted.

 

[IzzyLucyWillie]

I understand you wanting to share your success with your mom. You were proud of something you accomplished and it's natural to want to share that with a parent. I agree that an email probably won't help. Next time you see the "friends" just explain to them you are sorry your mom "shared" such private information and explain to them that she blew the whole thing out of proportion and that you actually have a handle on your finances and also a financial plan that is working for you.

 

[Aim]

I'm sorry.

I can completely understand wanting to share you news with your mom. You should be proud!!

Just maybe limit what you share with her from now on. I have to be that way with my own mother.

 

[Retriever Mama]

I'm sorry. You've told her how you feel about what she's done which was the wise thing to do. If you don't think you can trust her I would deftly...or bluntly change the topic the next time your finances come up.

She may think she's helping, not meddling...but she should respect your privacy.

 

[luke from georgia]

i think she is trying to be helpful, too, but going about it the wrong way.

 

[Ender's Mom]

My mom has had about a million and one opportunities to "help"... and she chooses not to. Or she'll promise to... and then find a reason to withdraw the help.

I don't think it's that hard to figure out a way to "help" in this situation.

 

[patm]

I'll say this again - your mother is always going to be like this - you'll never have the relationship that you want with your mother (nice and sensible and caring), maybe a better on than now, but never what you would call a "normal" relationship. For whatever reason, this is how your mom is with you. I've seen it over and over with friends and their parents thoughout my long years. I think that you can have a cordial relationship, but unless your mom changes drastically for some reason, and suddenly can actually see herself and try to change ( make that "wants to change"), you are always going to be beating your head agaisnt a wall and feeling bad. It is very sad, but you are doing GREAT gal - keep up with paying off those loans and carve a good life for yourself.

 

[chocolatecoverdlab]

Sorry Lindsay...I think a lot of valuable advice has been offered. I hope things work themselves out between you and your mother. I know recent interactions have been very hard on you

 

[amazongold]

(((Linds))) All I can suggest is, never share anything with your mother that you don't want everyone to know about. She is the type of person who can't keep her mouth shut, for whatever reason. As much as you would like a more personal relationship with her, I don't think it's possible. Keep your communications with her on a more casual level and keep your private business to yourself.

 

[Bob Pr.]

Lindsay, I can understand you being disappointed and very much wanting a different relationship with your mother BUT you set up this situation hoping to get a different reaction and "she did it again."

As some others suggest -- don't keep testing, don't give her the chance.

It's kind of like this: If, whenever you bare your right arm she hurts you by putting a hot iron on it, you can handle that several ways.

One is, you can bare your right arm in front of her from time to time to see if she'll still burn you. When she does, you can be hurt that she did it again!

Another thing you can try is to stop baring your right arm in front of her.

But another thing you can do is to try to understand why this is happening. I'm extremely curious -- can you PM me a description of the family she grew up in and what her parents' relations with their children (her included, of course) was/is like? How happy is she with her relations with each of them? And her sibs with each other and with their parents? Acorns usually don't fall very far from their tree.

'

 

[Clanceycanuck]

Sorry Linds. (hugs)