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I went to the hospital this afternoon.
Walked into Tud's room, touched his hand, spoke softly to him (no response) then walked out.
The nurse (another angel) received my questions and answered them directly.
I shook my head and said I'd never seen so many machines attached to a human being before. She invited me back into the room to explain all of them.
This one is his nutrition.
This one is his blood pressure medicine.
This one is his heart medicine.
This one is his sedation.
This one is to remove gastric (stuff).
I forget now what the other 3 bags were. The light bulb is beginning to come on over my head.
Then we moved on to the monitors. Heart rate, blood pressure, respiratory function, ventilator.
Well, I say, that all looks pretty good.
Yes, we've got him stabilized at what would be normal ranges for him.
And all of the functions are assisted by machines. We leave the room.
I asked: "How long? Six days? Six weeks? Six months? Before he can be taken off all those things?"
She replied: "The benchmark (not her word) is 14 days."
Then they start taking some things off and replacing them with other things.
OH GOD! I asked the question: "Is this... is this full life support?!?"
Yes, she said. This is life support.
Not just assistance? Full life support?!?
Yes.
I didn't know. I thought there would be a huge banner or something in the room saying "PATIENT ON LIFE SUPPORT" or something like that. Tudor would be FURIOUS to know he is on life support. (Somewhere in our archives I have his directive but I can't find it at the moment.)
Nobody told me. I didn't know. I didn't think life support would appear to be so... sneaky. I thought he was just being... helped.
I have to make the decision and I have already done so. I guess Tud and I made it years and years ago, actually. The question to myself is "when"? He would say "now!" My answer? No later than a week from Sunday. Easter.
I am probably a horribly callous woman and evil for posting this here but just writing about this to my friends is helping me. I think.
I'm in shock, disbelief (a little), denial (a little), and overwhelmingly sad for this man I have loved so deeply and dearly.
WHAT WERE HIS DEMONS THAT DROVE HIM TO DO THIS TO HIMSELF!
Walked into Tud's room, touched his hand, spoke softly to him (no response) then walked out.
The nurse (another angel) received my questions and answered them directly.
I shook my head and said I'd never seen so many machines attached to a human being before. She invited me back into the room to explain all of them.
This one is his nutrition.
This one is his blood pressure medicine.
This one is his heart medicine.
This one is his sedation.
This one is to remove gastric (stuff).
I forget now what the other 3 bags were. The light bulb is beginning to come on over my head.
Then we moved on to the monitors. Heart rate, blood pressure, respiratory function, ventilator.
Well, I say, that all looks pretty good.
Yes, we've got him stabilized at what would be normal ranges for him.
And all of the functions are assisted by machines. We leave the room.
I asked: "How long? Six days? Six weeks? Six months? Before he can be taken off all those things?"
She replied: "The benchmark (not her word) is 14 days."
Then they start taking some things off and replacing them with other things.
OH GOD! I asked the question: "Is this... is this full life support?!?"
Yes, she said. This is life support.
Not just assistance? Full life support?!?
Yes.
I didn't know. I thought there would be a huge banner or something in the room saying "PATIENT ON LIFE SUPPORT" or something like that. Tudor would be FURIOUS to know he is on life support. (Somewhere in our archives I have his directive but I can't find it at the moment.)
Nobody told me. I didn't know. I didn't think life support would appear to be so... sneaky. I thought he was just being... helped.
I have to make the decision and I have already done so. I guess Tud and I made it years and years ago, actually. The question to myself is "when"? He would say "now!" My answer? No later than a week from Sunday. Easter.
I am probably a horribly callous woman and evil for posting this here but just writing about this to my friends is helping me. I think.
I'm in shock, disbelief (a little), denial (a little), and overwhelmingly sad for this man I have loved so deeply and dearly.
WHAT WERE HIS DEMONS THAT DROVE HIM TO DO THIS TO HIMSELF!