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Discussion Starter #1
Okay I am in a quandary. DD called me yesterday to, as she put it, "give me a heads up." Her boyfriend is going to be calling me to ask to use my engagement ring to give her.
(I quit wearing it about a year ago when I lost one of the small side baguettes.)
I do want her to have it....eventually. But maybe not right now.
I'm not sure I'm ready to give it up. And, (a very big and) I don't think that at this point in her life she needs to be engaged and thinking about marriage. She is 22 and just went back to school. She has at least 3 more years before she finishes. And boyfriend, while a nice guy, has absolutely no plan for the future. He did not go to college, and has been unemployed for most of last year. Currently working (when they call him) at a construction company. I'm not even sure WTH they are thinking of getting married at this point. They are living (rent free) in his dad's unheated basement. :doh:

So I want to say no. But...

She tells me she would really love to wear my ring--the marriage that her dad and I had is her ideal. And it would mean so much to her to wear it.
How can I say no to that? And to top it off, she is the "wear your feelings on your sleeve" kid that will take a no as a slap in the face.

So far all I've said is that I have to think about it.
 

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I am not there yet, my girls are still little, so my frame of reference is limited. But... here's how I am looking at it , it's just an engagement, right? No one has plans to get married right away?, and she will be wearing your ring, not him, so even if he is out of the picture someday, she will always have your ring. Do you trust her with it? If so, I would be inclined to consent. If for no other reason than to NOT make this guy "forbidden fruit", if you get where I'm coming from. I am looking from the perspective of your daughter... the one thing that wil make any guy more appealing, is the disapproval of her parents. Good luck! It's a hard call for sure.
 

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I'd just tell her that I'm not quite ready to give it up yet. That's the truth and shouldn't hurt anybody's feelings. Really don't let yourself feel pressured into doing something you're not ready for. It's lovely that it means so much to her but it's nothing in comparison to how much it means to you.

Don't mention your doubts about the potential marriage. It's a completely separate issue and I wouldn't mix the two up. You don't want to look like you're holding the ring over her head.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Oh believe me I would never, ever mention my doubts about the marriage to her. And I do like the guy. He is very pleasant, a little shy. He went to Florida with us last summer. It is just that they both need to be able to support themselves before they consider a big step like marriage.
And she knows that I intend her to have it someday.
Sigh. I will probably cave. And cry a lot afterwards.

I'd just tell her that I'm not quite ready to give it up yet. That's the truth and shouldn't hurt anybody's feelings. Really don't let yourself feel pressured into doing something you're not ready for. It's lovely that it means so much to her but it's nothing in comparison to how much it means to you.

Don't mention your doubts about the potential marriage. It's a completely separate issue and I wouldn't mix the two up. You don't want to look like you're holding the ring over her head.
 

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Do you have another ring with less sentimental value she could wear instead? I think it is a lot to ask to wear your engagement ring, honestly...I never would have dreamed of asking my mom (she and my dad are divorced). I don't think it would be a slap in the face to explain you can't give it up yet, but if you had something else to offer in its place I think she would be more mollified.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Do you have another ring with less sentimental value she could wear instead? I think it is a lot to ask to wear your engagement ring, honestly...I never would have dreamed of asking my mom (she and my dad are divorced). I don't think it would be a slap in the face to explain you can't give it up yet, but if you had something else to offer in its place I think she would be more mollified.
No, I don't have anything else that would work for an engagement ring.
 

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Okay I am in a quandary. DD called me yesterday to, as she put it, "give me a heads up." Her boyfriend is going to be calling me to ask to use my engagement ring to give her.
(I quit wearing it about a year ago when I lost one of the small side baguettes.)
Sorry, but he should not be asking her to marry him until HE can afford to buy her an engagement ring of her own! Your ring is a keepsake that you will pass on to her, NOT her engagement ring from her fiance.
 

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No, I don't have anything else that would work for an engagement ring.
Then I'd politely decline. A) I'm not sure I could ask you (if I were in his shoes), and B) that's your ring. I'm reminded of that clip from Saving Private Ryan when Matt Damon asks Tom Hanks to tell him about his wife. He basically says no, that's for me. You're not being selfish, mean or rude by holding that ring for yourself. I'm sure it means a lot more to you than it does to a lot of people out there and it's truly irreplaceable.
 

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How about older rings that you have that could be reset or personally made just for her into a engagement ring? When my mom was to the stage of her illness that she was ready to deal with a few things she "passed out" her favorite rings & earings & such to us girls. She wanted to be sure that the girl she wanted to have certain ones got them. She had quiet a few as just about every holiday she got some sort of diamond or stone as thats what she expected.... Anyway, the ones I got were beautiful BUT not my style. After a few years I took three of them, had them hand set into a wide band & it is one of the prettiest rings ever. I had to go to several jewelers till I found a true craftsman not just a salesman!
 

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they can be engaged without a ring. many people do it. i agree with robin. reassure her that it WILL be hers some day but that it is still raw for you and you just can't part with it yet. i am betting she will understand.
 

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Then I'd politely decline. A) I'm not sure I could ask you (if I were in his shoes), and B) that's your ring. I'm reminded of that clip from Saving Private Ryan when Matt Damon asks Tom Hanks to tell him about his wife. He basically says no, that's for me. You're not being selfish, mean or rude by holding that ring for yourself. I'm sure it means a lot more to you than it does to a lot of people out there and it's truly irreplaceable.
I agree, I have my mom's anniversary ring, but only because she is no longer with us. I will wear it and treasure it until the day I die, and then it will be our daughters and not one minute sooner. She knows this and would never ask for it, even though she thinks its as beautiful as I do cosmetically and emotionally. I think there are so many feelings that go along with these personal pieces of jewelery that you just hold on to them until your ready to let go, and that is only for you to decide!
 

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I think you tell her that you are not quite ready to part with it yet. She should be able to understand how important the ring is to you. If she doesn't understand that she probably is not mature enough to be getting married anyway. They can be engaged to be engaged, they can be engaged without a ring or with a ring they can afford. Maybe it will be a long engagement and sometime before the wedding you will be ready to give her the ring.
 

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Sorry, but he should not be asking her to marry him until HE can afford to buy her an engagement ring of her own! Your ring is a keepsake that you will pass on to her, NOT her engagement ring from her fiance.
I agree with this. And this is probably what I would tell her, in a gentler way of course.
 

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If you're not ready to part with it yet, tell her that. She should understand.
 

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I echo everyone else- If you are not ready to part with it, do not give it up yet! It is YOUR ring. Not hers. She is not entitled to it. If she cannot understand that fact, she is not ready to be married. Marriage is not about the ring you get when you are engaged. Sure, her feelings may be hurt, but honestly, I think it is tacky to ask for a ring like that to begin with! It is something that is offered, not requested.

I'm sorry she put you in such a hard spot.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Well, I probably brought some of this on myself. I have gone through my jewelry with her, telling what is real and what is costume. And telling her that I want each of the boys to have a piece to pass to their children. And I want her to have the rest. As in, these 14k bracelets were given to me by your Dad when I turned 50. These earrings were made from some links of this bracelet that was too big for me, etc. I wanted someone to know which pieces were real and had some sentimental value. (I've tried to tell the boys too, but they don't want to hear.)
BUT,
I meant after I'm dead. Not now.
Sigh.
I think that if I give it to her thinking that "well if they break up she can give it back" is kind of... I don't know... demeaning to the emotional value of the ring? I got married when I was 19, and it truly was "until death us do part."
So, I'll have a little discussion with her about what the ring means to me. And when I expect to pass it down.
And then we'll see.
 

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Well, I probably brought some of this on myself. I have gone through my jewelry with her, telling what is real and what is costume. And telling her that I want each of the boys to have a piece to pass to their children. And I want her to have the rest. As in, these 14k bracelets were given to me by your Dad when I turned 50. These earrings were made from some links of this bracelet that was too big for me, etc. I wanted someone to know which pieces were real and had some sentimental value. (I've tried to tell the boys too, but they don't want to hear.)
BUT,
I meant after I'm dead. Not now.
Sigh.
I think that if I give it to her thinking that "well if they break up she can give it back" is kind of... I don't know... demeaning to the emotional value of the ring? I got married when I was 19, and it truly was "until death us do part."
So, I'll have a little discussion with her about what the ring means to me. And when I expect to pass it down.
And then we'll see.
Excellent plan!
 

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Very good plan. You need to hold on to what's important to you, and she needs to respect that.

Maybe - if he can't afford a "proper" engagement ring and they don't want to do engaged-without-a-ring - then he could get her a "promise" ring as a stop-gap to symbolize their committment and then they could plan a wedding/marriage/etc. as they can afford it?
 

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That's kind of odd presuming to use your ring while you're still very much alive. My Mom has my Grandmother's ring, but only because she's dead. She has her own engagement ring. It's a beautiful emerald with two small diamonds because that was all they could afford when my Dad asked her to marry him. I think when she passes (and we hope that won't happen for another 20 years-she's a hale and hearty 67 and mucks out stables 3 or 4 mornings a week) it will go to my sister. She and her husband are granola buddies. I think their rings are titanium.

My own ring wasn't hugely expensive. It's 1/4 carat diamond solitaire in yellow gold. He didn't want a coloured stone "That's not an engagement ring." . If Scott hadn't been traditional I wouldn't have insisted on one, but since he is and these things mean something to him I felt obliged to ask for one. My ex was granola the whole way through and completely non-traditional wiith him no ring would have been required.
 
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