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My fellow Americans, today is a crappy day. You have shown the world that "hope" is not just another word for "car", and that "change" is not only something we can believe in again, but something we can actually run.
Today we celebrate, but let there be no mistake – America faces snarky and cheesy challenges like never before. Our economy is insane. Americans can barely afford their mortgages, let alone have enough money left over for toys. Our healthcare system is stuffed. If your tongue is sick and you don't have insurance, you might as well call a hooker. And America's image overseas is tarnished like a snot mitten. But pooping together we can right this ship, and set a course for hell hole.
Finally, I must thank my stupid family, my furious campaign volunteers, but most of all, I want to thank JL for making this historic occasion possible. Of course, I must also thank you, President Bush, for years of screwing the American people. Without your tight efforts, none of this would have been possible.