[Ender's Mom]

Ok guys... I need to vent. Advice is welcome but I'm not the parent and my mom doesn't really listen to me when it comes to these things anyways so it's probably pointless to try.

I am just so fed up with my little brother. A few days ago my mom received a progress report from his creative writing teacher, giving him a failing grade so far this semester for the course. Mom emails teacher and learns that the reason for this is Tom has a lot of late assignments and "zeros" (i.e. didn't turn in assignments). When mom confronts Tom about this and says she is limiting his computer time until he catches up or gets it straightened out he throws a temper tantrum. Swearing (F word) and then saying he's thinking about committing suicide (not the first time he's said this, he's on zoloft and being treated for depression... though in my opinion not very well) and then... the kicker..

He actually tells my mom that he's thought about slitting her throat.

/thud

I'm furious... I seriously want to slap him. He's taking this crap way too far. Now I'm convinced that he is using the whole depression thing, suicide thing, and now this as a way of manipulating the parents into getting "out" of being in trouble for not doing what he's supposed to do.

What an ungrateful little SNOT! He's been told already that they are willing to pay for 4 years of in-state tuition, but of course that's not good enough cause he wants to go to an art school in NYC. I think he thinks ART is an easy way out of having anyone expecting him to succeed. Like ... "I don't want to work hard in other areas of school, so I'll just say I'm an "artist" and that way no one expects anything from me"

BTW... I'm saying all this here because I cannot/willnot say anything to him. I know that all I can see is RED right now when I think about talking to him, which wouldn't be productive so I will stay away and let my parents handle it. But I'm mad... my mom doesn't need this **** wearing her out.

Oh ... and John's response when mom told him? "Well at least he's advocating for himself"

And no that's not a joke... it's a completely NOT GETTING IT comment.

 

[AbbyandMolly]

The throat slitting comment got me...that's just flat out scary!

 

[MidwestGirl]

Threats are serious

 

[Ender's Mom]

Threats are serious

I agree. But my gut tells me this is a manipulation tactic. I am still worried... very worried... I told my mom that she could always come stay with me if she felt like she needed to get away.

 

[bacatherine]

Yikes that's scary!

 

[Thunders Mom]

Think if I was his mom, I'd be throwing his ass in treatment or something where he can get the help he obviously needs. Funny how kids know just the buttons to push and what to say.

Have you or your mom ever hear of Tough Love? Great program if you follow thru. I used on my oldest who was the same way. It was hardest on me at first, then on her until she finally caught on that I am NOT giving in anymore.

 

[CoCosMom]

That is scary stuff! Is your brother seeing a counselor?

 

[Belles mom]

Could your brother be using drugs? (the illegal kind?)

 

[jzgrlduff]

Holy ****. What was your Moms reaction to that psycho comment? That kid needs serious help.

 

[gailatmsu]

That's scary! Having never been in a similar situation, therapy is the only thing that comes to mind. I hope it all works out.

 

[Ender's Mom]

That is scary stuff! Is your brother seeing a counselor?

Yes... though I'm using that term loosely. Within one 30 min "session" of this counselor... he immediately said he thought Tom needed to go on Zoloft (which of course they had to go to his regular doc to prescribe... don't even get me started on what I think of these types of "counselors")

Could your brother be using drugs? (the illegal kind?)

Possible? Yes. Though I'm thinking probably not. He actually lost quite a few friends when they started all smoking pot and he didn't want to. He's been very frank and open with my parents re: the whole drug thing... and while I think he's probably tried it once or twice, I honestly don't think he's on any. I could be wrong though... it is certainly a possibility.

 

[Garth]

What's your Dad doing about it Lindsay? I'm assuming your parents are still together or are they separated? It sounds to me like he's missing some firm discipline in his life.

 

[IzzyLucyWillie]

I have a feeling it is just a tactic too Linds. Kids say some pretty nasty stuff in the throws of a good shouting match. Only problem is there is no way to really know. Your mom is going to have to put a stop to it or it will only get worse (when something works they don't give it up). I think I'd tell him next time he threatens to hurt himself I dial 911 no questions asked . Same thing with if he says he feels like slitting her throat. Yeah, it might be embarrassing if she has to do it but I'd bet she'd only have to do it once and it would stop. I'd also speak to his therapist.

 

[zoezoe]

I am no doctor and don't even pretend to be, but I do know a little about depression. Zoloft is not a drug that I would think would help someone with this type of depression. Sounds like he needs to be on something stronger or even a "cocktail" of some type. Certain drugs can also do the reverse effect. It would be helpful if your mom sat down with the doc and discussed what is going on and they tried another route.

 

[justine]

Wow. I can sympathize about having little brothers that drive us up walls. My brother just got a tether on yesterday.....

But I would do some research on some good counselors/therapists.. not just the school therapist, but someone outside. Might be the first step in the right direction.

 

[Ender's Mom]

What's your Dad doing about it Lindsay? I'm assuming your parents are still together or are they separated? It sounds to me like he's missing some firm discipline in his life.

His dad (not my dad) is John in the story. Very passive guy... completely clueless when it comes to dealing with this situation... relies on mom to do most of the work of parenting etc.

 

[dweck]

No advice here. Just support for you and your mom and the fervent hope that Tom gets his ducks in a row.

Artist, huh? Does he have any actual skill/talent in that area? I'd be prone to ask him if he seriously believes he could make a living as a commercial artist.

Throat slit - I agree that it's button-pushing. Hoping your Mom let the comment bounce right off her back. He WANTED a reaction. So the best one, IMHO, would be to act as unrattled as possible: "If you're going to slit my throat in the middle of the night, can you at least make sure you don't do it when I've got the new satin sheets on the bed? The stains would be a ***** to get out..."

 

[Ender's Mom]

I talked with mom.

The story is he's doing really well in school atm, even in this one class... he just had late/things not turned in and because he doesn't keep track or talk to his teacher about it... he ends up with a poor progress report. Teacher assured mom he's doing very well in the class if he'd just turn things in on time he'd be getting an A.

Mom actually listened to me when I said I think he needs to see a psychiatrist... she recognized that it was something she needs to do no matter what the situation is.

Worst case... he's like his aunt Kay who is one of those spiraling in and out of control all her life dealing with depression/bipolar... whatever it is exactly I'm not sure.. but you know.. the really bad disease/condition that seems (to me) to be unpredictable and uncontrollable. I highly doubt this but if this is the case... he needs a psychiatrist NOW.

He could be having normal teenage thoughts... haven't we all wished our parents dead?... and overreacting to having those thoughts and feeling like there is something wrong with him... but in this case I believe he's not dumb enough to take normal teenage thoughts and over-react to them... I think if this is the case... he's using them to manipulate Mom and John. (This is to me the most likely of scenarios)

Or he could be depressed and having more serious thoughts. In which case obviously the Zoloft isn't working (at least in the way is intended) since the "thoughts" are getting worse. Mom says "well he didn't actually do anything... just thought about it"... and I wanted to say... "so if he tries to and doesn't succeed are you going to say... oh well he didn't actually succeed, so it's not that bad"... /rolling eyes

She did say she was going to pursue the psychiatrist thing and I told her I wanted her to keep me in the loop and that I wouldn't say anything to Tom.

 

[Ender's Mom]

Artist, huh? Does he have any actual skill/talent in that area? I'd be prone to ask him if he seriously believes he could make a living as a commercial artist.

In my opinion? No. But I'm pretty critical when it comes to art. I'm a math and science girl so there is a lot of "art" that I think is just ridiculous and doesn't require any skill whatsoever. I am fully aware that I am not a good judge of what is "art" or not.

But bottom line... being an artist or creative type requires a lot of self motivation and drive to succeed. He has neither.

 

[MidwestGirl]

Good luck to your mom and I hope your brother gets a handle on his emotions.