[MyGoldenBoy]

My ex called tonight asking me to respect his wishes to stay away from his family. This all stems from me talking with my ex-MIL and inviting her and ex-FIL to our daughter's soccer games. There's apparently no need for me to involve grandma and grandpa in the kids lives because he takes care of it.

His take is that he doesn't talk to my family or involve them in the kids activities so why should I do that with his?

I think I'll take the kids to visit them and drop off cards on Mother's Day.

 

[patm]

I think you should let him take care of it, especially if he actually does. Inviting them to soccers games seemed OK because they can decide whether to do that or not, but taking them over to visit and delivier cards seems to be deliberatly antagonizing him. I know nothing about your relationship with your ex, or his family, but what if you had asked him the same thing, and he did what you are planning on doing?

 

[amazongold]

I would say that it depends on the relationship you had with your ILs during the marriage. If you were always close to them, then there is no reason to end that. If you were not particularly close, and you are doing this just to spite your ex, then don't push it.

 

[Jinx]

I would say that it depends on the relationship you had with your ILs during the marriage. If you were always close to them, then there is no reason to end that. If you were not particularly close, and you are doing this just to spite your ex, then don't push it.

i agree. if you *did* have a good relationship with them i see no reason for you not to involve them in the kids' activities. it isn't the kids' fault you got a divorce and his attitude sounds selfish.

if you didn't have a good relationship then i agree you shouldn't push this just to spite him.

 

[MyGoldenBoy]

I had a good relationship with them during the marriage and it actually got better after the divorce. Before ex-FIL got sick, they would come over and visit and help me out and we'd swap books to read. I took the kids to visit and we'd sit and chat. They helped me out in so many ways and I am eternally grateful for their presence in our lives.

To be told to stay away hurt a lot. Yes, my original post was a knee-jerk reaction. I'm not really sure what I'll do.

 

[brody]

I can see why it would hurt - a lot and I think the invite to the soccer games was a thoughtful thing to do ... but my in laws made a HUGE deal out of staying in touch with one of the ex dils.. and that hurt their son a great deal ..
I would actually say it's hurt their relationship with all their children as it appeared that they were either saying the couple shouldn't have gotten divorced or the ex dil was right .. either way it destroyed trust

gettign a card from you for mother's day is a lovely thought but I'd either drop it off when I knew they weren't home or mail it and have it arrive a little late - or ask their son to pick up the kids cards

it sounds like this is pretty fresh - so of course it's going to be painful all round

hang in there -

(I actually thought I'm glad your ex is trying to communicate with you even if it's not nice - better then bottling it in and lashing out about you to your children )

 

[Thunders Mom]

Maybe talk to the in-laws and see what their wishes are.

 

[BigBrownDog]

My brother and I have been estranged for 8 years because he feels I should have zero contact with his ex. I talk to her perhaps twice a year and always in the context of my niece. They have been divorced for 12 years.

I am not good about being told what I can and cannot do.

 

[BoatDog]

Don't antagonize - but do respect the KIDS and the inlaws wishes!

 

[amazongold]

I had a good relationship with them during the marriage and it actually got better after the divorce. Before ex-FIL got sick, they would come over and visit and help me out and we'd swap books to read. I took the kids to visit and we'd sit and chat. They helped me out in so many ways and I am eternally grateful for their presence in our lives.

To be told to stay away hurt a lot. Yes, my original post was a knee-jerk reaction. I'm not really sure what I'll do.

I don't see why such a nice relationship should have to come to an end. You were a big part of their lives all the while you were married, and the children will always be their grandchildren.

I agree with ThundersMom, talk to them and ask them what their wishes are. If they want to keep seeing you, then your ex needs to put on his big boy pants and deal with it. You are not taking anything away from him and you are not asking the ILs to choose you over him, you are just wanting to continue to share your lives as you have done for years.

If you and the ex are on speaking terms, can you ask him why all of a sudden he wants to end your visits with his parents? Is he maybe seeing someone else and fears that they won't accept her as long as you are still part of their lives?

 

[TangerineFizz]

I'd probably call them up and tell them that he's asked you to leave them alone, and then I'd say that out of respect for him, you're going to do so, but out of respect for them, you felt you owed them an explanation for suddenly dropping out of their lives. I'd also say that if they feel they'd like to talk to you, you don't have any issue with that, and would welcome it (if you do) but you don't want to make your ex's life uncomfortable.

And leave the ball in their court.

 

[sarah]

I'd probably call them up and tell them that he's asked you to leave them alone, and then I'd say that out of respect for him, you're going to do so, but out of respect for them, you felt you owed them an explanation for suddenly dropping out of their lives. I'd also say that if they feel they'd like to talk to you, you don't have any issue with that, and would welcome it (if you do) but you don't want to make your ex's life uncomfortable.

And leave the ball in their court.

Ditto! That is exactly what I would do.

 

[Aim]

Well, if my husband and I ever separated, I've already said I'm moving in with his parents.

I think your EX is not seeing the bigger picture. Your kids can only benefit from seeing you and their grandparents getting along and continuing a relationship. Just because you two got divorced, doesn't mean you divorced the entire family. As long as your inlaws are open to a relationship, I do not see why you can't continue to have one. Although, I can see how it would be a very strange situation if he ever remarries. I can see a new wife totally being jealous about something like that.

 

[gundog]

I'd probably call them up and tell them that he's asked you to leave them alone, and then I'd say that out of respect for him, you're going to do so, but out of respect for them, you felt you owed them an explanation for suddenly dropping out of their lives. I'd also say that if they feel they'd like to talk to you, you don't have any issue with that, and would welcome it (if you do) but you don't want to make your ex's life uncomfortable.

And leave the ball in their court.

Good advice......It's not like you can't talk to them or be cordial......things are different now that's all.

High road is best in this case.

Good luck.

 

[blacklabparent]

I'd probably call them up and tell them that he's asked you to leave them alone, and then I'd say that out of respect for him, you're going to do so, but out of respect for them, you felt you owed them an explanation for suddenly dropping out of their lives. I'd also say that if they feel they'd like to talk to you, you don't have any issue with that, and would welcome it (if you do) but you don't want to make your ex's life uncomfortable.

And leave the ball in their court.

I like that.

 

[joflake]

I'd probably call them up and tell them that he's asked you to leave them alone, and then I'd say that out of respect for him, you're going to do so, but out of respect for them, you felt you owed them an explanation for suddenly dropping out of their lives. I'd also say that if they feel they'd like to talk to you, you don't have any issue with that, and would welcome it (if you do) but you don't want to make your ex's life uncomfortable.

And leave the ball in their court.

I also agree with you. And remember, any friction that is caused is only going to hurt the kids. That would be my main concern.

 

[jzgrlduff]

Your kids can only benefit from seeing you and their grandparents getting along and continuing a relationship. Just because you two got divorced, doesn't mean you divorced the entire family. As long as your inlaws are open to a relationship, I do not see why you can't continue to have one. Although, I can see how it would be a very strange situation if he ever remarries. I can see a new wife totally being jealous about something like that.

I guess Aim and I are odd ones out. I agree with her 1,000%. It's hard enough on the kids to see Mommy and Daddy divorced, why put more stress on them wondering why you and Grandma and Grandpa don't speak anymore? That makes no sense whatsoever. You had a relationship with them, a good one, screw him for asking you to end it. It's like someone telling you that you can't be friends with, say, your best friend or something. Uh uh.

 

[Allie]

My mom kept up her relationship with my Dad's parents after they divorced....it ended up estranging my Dad from his parents.

 

[Princess Zoe]

My sister has a terrible relationship with her ex. They are now primarily communicating through texts and emails. It's a nightmare. When his Grandma died she drove the kids 1.5 hours to the funeral. She was there for about 20 minutes had talked to a few members of the family when he came up to her and told her to leave the kids and be back in anhour she wasn't welcome there. He said his Mother said that. She said fine but I am taking my kids with me. Can you beleive that? She made a nice gesture to take the kids to the funeral and he basically **** on her when she came in. She will never do another nice thing or include his parents in anything again. I don't blame her. I refuse to talk to him. My husband sees him several times a week because he is a customer.

 

[BigBrownDog]

I guess Aim and I are odd ones out. I agree with her 1,000%. It's hard enough on the kids to see Mommy and Daddy divorced, why put more stress on them wondering why you and Grandma and Grandpa don't speak anymore? That makes no sense whatsoever. You had a relationship with them, a good one, screw him for asking you to end it. It's like someone telling you that you can't be friends with, say, your best friend or something. Uh uh.

I agree with this too. I think unless there is some sort of danger attached to having a cordial relationship with ex in-laws it only benefits the kids to have a normalized relationship with people who were once family (and still are to the children in the equation).