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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok... I flew off the handle at something yesterday and it really bothers me that I got so upset and I really couldn't even explain why. I don't even know if I have a RIGHT to feel upset or if my getting so crazy was justified or not.

Have you ever gotten mad at someone you care about because you perceive that they let other people take advantage of them? I don't know WHY I'm mad at my friend... granted I'm more furious at the person that hurt them but I can't do anything to that person... so why am I taking out my frustration on the person who has forgiven the person that hurt them?

I don't even think I have a right to be mad in the first place... no body did anything directly to me, but when I care about someone I get very protective. If someone I care about is being treated in a way they didn't deserve... I tend to take it quite personal.

I just perceive the whole thing as being so unequal... my friend was (in my opinion) too quick to forgive when the other person didn't even apologize for what they did. (yes I know... to err is human, to forgive divine) I personally can be pretty forgiving and let people have the benefit of the doubt... but not when it comes to how they treat the people I care about... that is when I start holding a grudge. :-\

BUT WHY did I take out my anger on my friend? I'm not angry at them for letting the person take advantage of them (after all aren't they innocent in that)... but rather at them forgiving the other person too quickly (and without a REALLY good reason to forgive them.. as far as I'm concerned this person has done nothing to rectify what she did) and thus... putting themself in the situation to be taken advantage of again potentially. I don't want to see that happen yet I'm powerless to do anything about it.

I think I was just acting very crazy bitchy yesterday. Spending the amount I spent in one day on Saturday always puts me in a bit of a funk until I get used to that big chunk of change gone from my checking account. Also... while it was good to see mom, it's also kind of stressful to see how much she's changed. Her physical limitations are one thing... but aparently her temper is way worse than it usually is (I didn't witness it but what I heard from John and Tom). Perhaps I'm mirroring her in my response to this situation with my friend.

Oh and I just could not SHUT UP about this situation last night. I kept blathering on and on... ranting about "the kind of girl" does that to people but without having any "solid" evidence (or at least the ability to articulate it) to back myself up... then apologizing over and over again for getting so upset. I should have just kept my mouth shut... these two people are friends and are gonna stay friends and now I've created all this nastiness because I can't keep my thoughts to myself. So when my friend gets hurt again by this person, are they even going to tell me? Probably not... they probably won't trust me now to confide in me about it and will be afraid I'll fly off the handle at them. So now I feel terrible that I've made them feel like they can't talk to me about something when I want them to be able to talk to me about anything. Isn't it my role to be supportive no matter what?

I remember the same thing happening with Eric and his best friend Ben. Eric bought and sent presents to Ben for his birthday and got nothing in return on his... Ben promised to come visit Eric in Milwaukee over one of the summers we were together and then he ended up going to Nigeria and not making any effort to make time to visit Eric or have Eric visit him before/after the trip when he had free time. At that time Eric had really needed/missed his friend and Ben wasn't there for him and actually kind of blew him off (in my opinion). I never really forgave Ben for that and there was always that tension there between Eric and myself cause he knew I had such a low opinion of his best friend that I just couldn't shake off.

I need to just stop worrying and getting upset at other people's relationships. I'm not in them so I don't know what they are really like. I need to stop judging them from the outside looking in. I should just focus on MY relationships and treating the people I care about the way I want to treat them. I so did not want to spend all this time getting upset when I could have been having a nice time catching up with a friend I hadn't talked to in a while... instead... 75% of our conversation was me either ranting and opening my big mouth or apologizing and getting upset with myself for being getting so crazy. :(
 

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Re: I think I have a problem with being too opinionated...

My opinion was your post was to long to read - so I just skipped to the bottom to give my opinion :p
 

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Re: I think I have a problem with being too opinionated...

Well, it's sweet that you care so much. :angel: But yes, people will make their own decisions. They are big girls and boys ;) You may never be able to forgive the person who does that to them, but if they want to... ??? What can you do?
 

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I don't know if you had a right to be upset or not. But I understand what you mean. It's easier to forgive someone that has hurt me. It takes quite a long time(if ever) to forgive someone that's hurt someone I care about. It's just the way I am. Right or wrong, I also take it personally when someone hurts my friends. I imagine you were so upset and couldn't take it out on the person that deserved it so you got upset with your friend instead. And also because you don't understand how they could forgive the other person and so soon. You were frustrated about the situation. Could that maybe be it?
 

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I don't think there's anything wrong with giving someone an honest view/opinion on a situation and sticking to it. That's what a real friend does, if you ask me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Yeah probably Jinx... I just don't know what to do to rectify the situation. I mean I know I said I was sorry at least a dozen times and tried to explain why I was so upset.. of course I did a horrible job with that and my friend is probably either very confused or thinks I'm just some raging ***** from Mean Girls. :(
 

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Call your friend. Apologize for not being "yourself" that day. Ask your friend out to lunch,have a nice time catching up. Done. True friends certaintly would understand.

As time goes by you'll begin to realize you can't change the will of others. Don't get me wrong people change,but it's never by outside influence,change comes from within. At least thats my thought on people.
 

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Good that you're recognizing this tendancy within yourself. Here's something that's helped me in similar situations: As someone once-removed from the situation, you're not allowed to be more pee-ohed than the person him/herself.

In other words, if your brother's wife treats him like dirt, and he's not bothered by it at all, you're not allowed to 'care' more than he does. It's his wife and his life. Love him for what he is (genuinely forgiving, perhaps to a fault, but HE owns that fault), rather than what he's not (someone who'll stand up for what he believes in 100% of the time, regardless of the effect on someone important to him [wife]).

And then take a bow for being an EXCELLENT friend. You're nothing if not loyal, Linds..... (ooo -- alliteration. Love it! Sorry... English Major dorkiness showing through).
 

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I think you just have a highly defined sense of right and wrong. I have one too, and it's taken me years to learn to just keep my mouth shut.

You're in a particularly stressful time right now. Cut yourself a little slack.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
dweck said:
Here's something that's helped me in similar situations: As someone once-removed from the situation, you're not allowed to be more pee-ohed than the person him/herself.
Excellent advice... which I will try to adhere to from now on.
 

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Lindsey I'm the same way. I have a good friend in a very bad relationship now I saw this coming long ago but couldn't do anything about it. Now she calls and is so upset I listen and try to give advice if asked for but it's hard not to just go off. Not really on her because I'm not mad at her but more mad at the situation. I'm a little dissapointed in her for not standing up for herself and letting him continue to do the same things that upset her. She has to deal with it though I just listen and try to support her as best I can. I really can't stand being around him though. I try to be civil and just not say much but it's REALLY hard. She means the world to me and he's hurting her. I've caught myself going overboard a little a few times but I try to only support and not butt in unless she asks.

It's not easy but try to just listen and be supportive it will help her the most.
 

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To touch on a different aspect of your post...

1) When giving, NEVER expect ANYTHING in return. If you do, you will set yourself up for disappointment.

2) Judging will set you up for misunderstanding and disappointment. You judged that the friend of your husband didn't care enough... when that probably couldn't be further from the truth. Personally, I totally forgot to get my neighbor's son his gift last year. This weekend, his bday, I recalled that I forgot to ever get his gift last year, so this year I doubled up what I would have spent and made his gift a REALLY nice one. She could have spent the entire year thinking how awful I was... when I was simply absent minded.

3) Your friend... she is going through a learning experience. Allow her to have this experience and be there for her. We ALL have had this experience and have learned from it. It takes a BIG PERSON to apologize, especially when they really did not perceive doing anything wrong. But if someone else feels they did, it is good to address that persons feelings, and you friend recognizes that. She sounds like a good friend to keep around.

If I were you, I would call that friend up and tell her what you told us here. Let her know that you understand how your reactions could affect her trust in confiding in you and that you would like to have another opportunity to make it right. You want her to confide in you and you want to be the friend she needs.

In the end, she WILL get it worked out with the other person. There is only so much one can take.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Thank you guys for your advice... it was right on.

I *think* I may have made things right... I pretty much begged for forgiveness and said what I was gonna do in future instances of this (be 100% supportive) and gave my friend permission to "ream me out" if I ever did this again... of course my friend won't have to because I'm never going to do it again. (even if I have to print out dan's advice and hang it in front of my face 24/7 til I trust myself again)
 

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I work in addictions as a counselor, and I've seen many many women with stuff like this... often this helps them, so I'll post it just in case!! It's a knock-off of the "serenity prayer" that's fairly well-known

The Co-dependency prayer (working title!!)

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change,
the courage to change the person I can,
and the wisdom to know that it is ME!

(disclaimer: I did NOT come up with this, but don't have a reference! ;D)

I find it beautiful in it's simplicity. Ultimately, we CANNOT change others, no matter what. But I can change me, and how I react to them! ;)
 

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No advice, but just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I have a tendency to do this myself. I am such a non-confrontational person, so I don't usually go as far as vocally airing my opinion, but I always SO ANGRY. I am a fiercly loyal person and I always want to swoop in and save a friend, even if it's from another friend and has nothing to do with me.

I need to learn to let people deal with their own problems. I need to realize that I don't need to help or involve myself unless they ASK me to. :-\
 
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