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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Man... I'm physically drained... on the verge of crying in frustration.

I swear she PICKS a fight with me.

She has a long history of picking an important issue with me... dangling a carrot (oh maybe we can help with tuition and stuff if you go back to school) and then starts slowly adding in "suggestions" that seem innocent enough but aren't really workable in reality... then starts saying things like "maybe if you did this inner-city teaching program (you devote 2 years to teaching and they pay for a significant portion of educational expenses) then we could help you"... so tying in the "help" with something she knows I don't want to do, don't have time to do, don't have any desire to do. So when I reject the idea "mom I don't think I'm cut out to teach"... she immediately goes into aggressive "you don't listen to me" "you reject everything I say" "it has to either be your way or no way"... me "mom... I can see this isn't going to be a productive conversation so lets just let it go and talk about it some other time"... her "why are you shutting down the conversation... you always do this to me... just remember that I love you... I care about you... I am just trying to help you"

BLAH BLAH BLAH
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
She's sooooo judgemental about my choices.

Mom... I'm 29.... never did drugs... never smoked... never got pregnant... got a college degree... am healthy...

But... of course I'm always on the verge of making a terrible decision.
 

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i think she raised a pretty darn responsible gal. and if you do make bad decisions somewhere along the way, you will pick yourself up and carry on. she just worries and wants the best for you.
 

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Ugh, Linds.

Just be thankful that you are an adult and she can blah blah blah all she wants and you don't have to listen to her anymore. :)
 

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Mothers always try and live or relive their lives through their kids. That's what mine tried to do, didn't work with me. My brother fell for it when going to college, but then finally caught on.
 

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Not a Mom, just a Dad. I follow the philosophy that it was my job to get our kids through their first 18 years. My job, and it **** well got done my way. At 18, I think whatever good could be done, has been done. What wasn't done, isn't going to get done with my interference. That was the time for me to turn them loose to make their decisions and my job was to offer advice or opinion when asked. AND not to feel rejected if the advice or opinion was rejected. It worked well for me and the kids, now adults. BUT, Mom is very much like you describe your Mom. What I tell my kids when they ask is, 'Some things aren't worth arguing about. Don't have to counter every suggestion with a contradicting comeback. Figure out how to let it end, and then make your decision and follow through.
 

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You need to learn the valuable technique of smile-nod-saynothing.

Works wonders.
 

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Do you think that maybe because she's been ill, that she feels more of a need to see you settled? So she doesn't feel like she needs to worry about you if something happened to her?

My Dad, who was ill for a long time, did that with me but I couldn't see it at the time. I got married, got a good job, and all that stuff just stopped like magic. It was like all of a sudden I wasn't his problem to worry about anymore.

Not that it makes it any easier to deal with, but looking at it in that way might make it less infuriating.
 

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Sorry Lindsay, that can be really frustrating. I second Dan's suggestion, or even would try acknowledging her ideas as good ones and leaving it at that. "Great idea, Mom. Maybe I will look into that!" followed by a quick change of subject has worked for me time and time again ;)

Hang in there!
 

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Don't you have a younger brother? Who has been making questionable decisions lately? (or am I thinking of someone else?). If so, maybe she is taking some of her frustrations about him out on you
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Don't you have a younger brother? Who has been making questionable decisions lately? (or am I thinking of someone else?). If so, maybe she is taking some of her frustrations about him out on you
True...

yeah during the latest argument I resorted to saying "why don't you worry about Tom instead of me... he obviously needs it more"
 

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Look at it this way Lindsay. One day you wont have her around any more & then all of these arguments will seem trivial. You might find it hard to believe now but one day you'll miss all these Mother/daughter 'conversations'. It's easy for me to say but just try & go with the flow. It will be a lot less stressful on both of you. ;)
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
ok.... see... that is what I mean...

SHE MAKES IT A FIGHT... like I've tried 50 million ways to have it not progress... agreeing outright... not talking about anything important... trying to calmly state my point of view...

cause I don't want to fight... but she makes even the passive "I don't want to fight" into a fight.
 

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The "great idea mom" thing only works til she says "WHY AREN'T YOU DOING IT?"... and then it's an even bigger argument.
...working on it, Mom.

And this

You might find it hard to believe now but one day you'll miss all these Mother/daughter 'conversations'.
Yes.
 

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Gosh, Lindsay, I don't know what to say. I'm from New England, and so we never talk about anything. I could visit my parents with a third arm growing out of my chest and they'd ask me if my flight was pleasant. :)

Would it be possible to have a heart-to-heart with your mom, saying that this is going nowhere and only creating tension between you, and then suggesting that you put police tape around certain topics? Or would that just make things worse?
 

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Gosh, Lindsay, I don't know what to say. I'm from New England, and so we never talk about anything. I could visit my parents with a third arm growing out of my chest and they'd ask me if my flight was pleasant. :)

Would it be possible to have a heart-to-heart with your mom, saying that this is going nowhere and only creating tension between you, and then suggesting that you put police tape around certain topics? Or would that just make things worse?
I was thinking the same thing. Or maybe even writing her a letter to avoid the face to face interaction, since that may lead to even more fighting?
 
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