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Discussion Starter #1
It was just so funny, I cut and pasted the whole dang thread and saved it. I felt silly for doing it at the time, but now I'm glad I did. It's not as easy to read as it was then, but I got rid of some of the extra stuff.

ENJOY!

Part I


OtisLab
Junior Member
Posts: 4643
(11/30/05 11:50 am)
Reply | Edit
Death of a Can Opener
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For our wedding we got one of those nifty handheld can openers that doesn't leave any sharp edges.

Jason used it the first time when I wasn't at home. He called me to say "This can opener is HEAVENLY."

He just called me:

"I need help. The Heavenly can opener is broken."

He's very distraught. Please offer a moment of silence for the Heavenly Can Opener.


-Melissa-

___________________________________________________________



chance72399
Junior Member
Posts: 3019
(11/30/05 11:52 am)
Reply
ezSupporter

Re: Death of a Can Opener
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*bows head* It never had a chance...
************************************

~Jaime~




MamaDogg
Junior Member
Posts: 83
(11/30/05 12:26 pm)
Reply Re: Death of a Can Opener
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Poor Heavenly Can Opener. It's life has dulled to an end...






remeysmom
Junior Member
Posts: 481
(11/30/05 12:28 pm)
Reply Re: Death of a Can Opener
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Hmm is it under warrenty?

So sorry its broken


Remey'sMom AKA Heather






golfgirlrobin
Junior Member
Posts: 877
(11/30/05 12:29 pm)
Reply Re: Death of a Can Opener
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And so young. (Bowing head in respect.)






ourTrinity
Junior Member
Posts: 15154
(11/30/05 12:30 pm)
Reply
Re: Death of a Can Opener
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*ding*
~Becca~







Jinx
Junior Member
Posts: 5366
(11/30/05 12:30 pm)
Reply
Re: Death of a Can Opener
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Rest in pieces....






Katy
Junior Member
Posts: 4543
(11/30/05 12:31 pm)
Reply
ezSupporter

Re: Death of a Can Opener
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It was so young.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-Katy from Arizona(a.k.a Rorybaby),momma to Rory D. Dogg and Rio D. Dogg and Mike D. Catt and Murphy D. Catt****








kaedesmon
Junior Member
Posts: 2759
(11/30/05 12:45 pm)
Reply
ezSupporter
Re: Death of a Can Opener
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Can opener Heaven has a new angel today.



Vicki






SlavetoNellie
Junior Member
Posts: 938
(11/30/05 12:52 pm)
Reply Re: Death of a Can Opener
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I saw those at Bed, Bath and Beyond the other day so maybe Santa will bring you a new one- I hope, I hope, I hope







Taffys Mom
Junior Member
Posts: 9850
(11/30/05 1:54 pm)
Reply
ezSupporter

Re: Death of a Can Opener
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I think the other regular can opener in the draw did it! Got jealous you know!

Denise
Lawn Guyland, Nu Yawk





chance72399
Junior Member
Posts: 3028
(11/30/05 1:56 pm)
Reply
ezSupporter

Re: Death of a Can Opener
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what a vicious little can opener...i think someone needs to throw it in the recycle bin to show it a lesson.
************************************


~Jaime~









Kais Dad
Junior Member
Posts: 791
(11/30/05 2:12 pm)
Reply
Re: Death of a Can Opener
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Oh, little can opener, we hardly knew you.
Cameron, Kai & Samm
North Vancouver, BC
Canada






TheoConBrio
Junior Member
Posts: 1101
(11/30/05 2:25 pm)
Reply Re: Death of a Can Opener
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That makes me really sad.

Umm, hey guys, what happens to the can openers when they die? Do they go to can opener heaven? What's it like? Do they still have to open cans? And what about the cans? Are they mad at the can openers for opening them? Where do they go? Guys?
nathan
owned and operated by
theo (morgan's theo con brio, CGC)








sitali
Junior Member
Posts: 3244
(11/30/05 2:41 pm)
Reply
ezSupporter

Re: Death of a Can Opener
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Quote:
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Umm, hey guys, what happens to the can openers when they die? Do they go to can opener heaven? What's it like? Do they still have to open cans? And what about the cans? Are they mad at the can openers for opening them? Where do they go? Guys?
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If it's been a really good can opener, it will come back as an electric model.






OtisLab
Junior Member
Posts: 4658
(11/30/05 2:43 pm)
Reply | Edit
Re: Death of a Can Opener
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You guys are too funny.
-Melissa-





dweck
Junior Member
Posts: 7360
(11/30/05 2:44 pm)
Reply
ezSupporter

Re: Death of a Can Opener
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They go to the Canbow Bridge where the grass is green and the sky is blue and every can has a pop-top opener, and they live in bliss until their owners arrive and they cross into heaven together.



DAN, WESLEY, SU & 3 DWECKETTES: SEPenna.




TheoConBrio
Junior Member
Posts: 1104
(11/30/05 3:00 pm)
Reply Re: Death of a Can Opener
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Quote:
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They go to the Canbow Bridge where the grass is green and the sky is blue and every can has a pop-top opener, and they live in bliss until their owners arrive and they cross into heaven together.
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All of the cans with torn-off tops are whole again, and the can openers with rust and dulled edges and weird crusty stuff in there are restored to their original shininess and sharpness, just as we remember them in dreams of days and times gone by.

The cans and can openers are happy and content, except for one small thing--they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all roll around and open and close, and play together, but the day comes when one stops and stands up on its little metal arms. Suddenly its gears begin spinning at an alarming rate, and it walks, awkwardly but determinedly, toward you, not unlike those hammers in The Wall, but I digress.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion. Your hands again caress the beloved gears and sharp teeth of your beloved can opener, and you and you friend open a bigass can of peas, never again to be parted.


nathan
owned and operated by
theo (morgan's theo con brio, CGC)
 

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Discussion Starter #2
Part II



dweck
Junior Member
Posts: 7361
(11/30/05 3:03 pm)
Reply
ezSupporter

Re: Death of a Can Opener
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Quote:
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Your hands again caress the beloved gears and sharp teeth of your beloved can opener, and you and you friend open a bigass can of peas
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Cutting your finger in the process and blurting out "GOD DAMMIT TO HELL!"

And then **poof**



DAN, WESLEY, SU & 3 DWECKETTES: SEPenna.






OtisLab
Junior Member
Posts: 4661
(11/30/05 3:09 pm)
Reply | Edit
Re: Death of a Can Opener
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OMGosh. Tears in my eyes.

A bigass can of peas.


-Melissa-

Edited by: OtisLab at: 11/30/05 3:11 pm





TheoConBrio
Junior Member
Posts: 1105
(11/30/05 3:11 pm)
Reply Re: Death of a Can Opener
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Quote:
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OMGosh. Tears in my ass.
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Excuse me?? You did mean "eyes," right?




nathan
owned and operated by
theo (morgan's theo con brio, CGC)








OtisLab
Junior Member
Posts: 4664
(11/30/05 3:12 pm)
Reply | Edit
Re: Death of a Can Opener
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Laughing so hard I think I'm going to have to leave the freakin' building.
-Melissa-






dweck
Junior Member
Posts: 7365
(11/30/05 3:13 pm)
Reply
ezSupporter

Re: Death of a Can Opener
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LOL - Tears in my ASS?? Like you're laughing so hard you're crying, and those trail of tears are travelling ALL the way down your front, making a right at the corner of Bellybutton and Hips, and winding up in your underwear???


DAN, WESLEY, SU & 3 DWECKETTES: SEPenna.





TheoConBrio
Junior Member
Posts: 1106
(11/30/05 3:13 pm)
Reply Re: Death of a Can Opener
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Boo! on you for editing.
nathan
owned and operated by
theo (morgan's theo con brio, CGC)






OtisLab
Junior Member
Posts: 4665
(11/30/05 3:14 pm)
Reply | Edit
Re: Death of a Can Opener
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I got ahead of myself and was already thinking about the BIGASS can of peas. And I typed wrong.


Seriously, I think I'm composed and I start cracking up again. Everyone is going to think I've completely gone off the edge.
-Melissa-






dweck
Junior Member
Posts: 7366
(11/30/05 3:16 pm)
Reply
ezSupporter

Re: Death of a Can Opener
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This is the goofiest thread this side of the dune buggy one.


DAN, WESLEY, SU & 3 DWECKETTES: SEPenna.






OtisLab
Junior Member
Posts: 4666
(11/30/05 3:18 pm)
Reply | Edit
Re: Death of a Can Opener
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Quote:
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Boo! on you for editing.
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It's okay, Nathan. Everyone will still know what I did from our other posts.

Okay, I think I can say 'ass' again without cracking up now.
-Melissa-






sitali
Junior Member
Posts: 3249
(11/30/05 3:18 pm)
Reply
ezSupporter

Re: Death of a Can Opener
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OMG, Melissa, did you really write "tears in my ass"????

WHY oh WHY would you edit that????







zoesmom1
Junior Member
Posts: 10631
(11/30/05 3:19 pm)
Reply can opener
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I thought somehow this thread had become controversial.

RIP . . .






LabbyGirl
Junior Member
Posts: 5427
(11/30/05 3:21 pm)
Reply
Re: can opener
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i hate it when my ass starts tearing up.. dabbing it with a tissue is embarrassing and sends the wrong message entirely.
--
kelli & tucker








FreshDaniD
Junior Member
Posts: 2419
(11/30/05 3:31 pm)
Reply
Re: can opener
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My ass definately teared up when I was scaling the guard rail this morning....

This heavenly opener obviously did something devilish...did your SU try and open titanium with it?
•Dani and Rider•
Watson's Safari Rider, CGC, TDI
Rider's Website • Rider's Dogster Page





chance72399
Junior Member
Posts: 3042
(11/30/05 3:31 pm)
Reply
ezSupporter

Re: Death of a Can Opener
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with a bigass can of peas my ass would tear up too.
************************************

~Jaime~





ourTrinity
Junior Member
Posts: 15160
(11/30/05 4:22 pm)
Reply
Re: Death of a Can Opener
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I got tears in my ass
lying on the grass
cryyyyyyyying over yoooooouuuuu....


~Becca~






dweck
Junior Member
Posts: 7372
(11/30/05 4:25 pm)
Reply
ezSupporter

Re: Death of a Can Opener
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This is what it sounds like
When asses cry.


DAN, WESLEY, SU & 3 DWECKETTES: SEPenna.





Taffys Mom
Junior Member
Posts: 9859
(11/30/05 4:38 pm)
Reply
ezSupporter

Re: Death of a Can Opener
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You guys are nuts!!!

I can just see it now - all the can openers that were stuck in healthy houses, opening only cans of veges...now rejoice in can opener heaven that they can sink their teeth into a can of salted nuts! Or Speghettios! Or chocolate syrup!!!

Denise
Lawn Guyland, Nu Yawk




Lolasmom
Junior Member
Posts: 3608
(11/30/05 4:41 pm)
Reply
ezSupporter

Re: Death of a Can Opener
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@ this thread!!!

Now, getting back to the can opener......

Godspeed.

Jenn and Lola
New Jersey





Syds Mom
Junior Member
Posts: 332
(11/30/05 10:59 pm)
Reply Re: Death of a Can Opener
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Aww poor thing.

I have one of the can openers - not sure if it is like yours but I love it. Mine is a Krups Open Master but I think Black & Decker makes one - Gizmo?






AmazonGold
Junior Member
Posts: 5835
(12/1/05 9:45 am)
Reply
Re: Death of a Can Opener
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We have one we love that I got at either Linens and Things or Bed, Bath and Beyond (our first one died, too). Do NOT get the OXO 'good grips' one, it's a pain in the butt to use and even harder to store!
Jackie, Bill, and Shadow






bibber1
Junior Member
Posts: 1327
(12/1/05 10:59 am)
Reply Re: Death of a Can Opener
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I'm laughing so hard that I'm crying.

Brenda, Sam, and Bodie
Brenda on the old board; from So Cal





jzgrlduff
Junior Member
Posts: 6165
(12/1/05 11:12 am)
Reply
Re: Death of a Can Opener
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Why did I not follow this thread?!
*checks ass for tears*
Wait, is that tears as in crying, or tears as in ripped?
________________
~Amy
Califon, NJ
(Hunterdon Cnty)






MamaToTheBoy
Junior Member
Posts: 3671
(12/1/05 11:47 am)
Reply
Re: Death of a Can Opener
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OMG...you guys are killing me!


Quote:
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This is the goofiest thread this side of the dune buggy one.
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At least I can understand this one! That dune buggy thread was just too complicated!
brooke...sawyer & sammy's mom







dweck
Junior Member
Posts: 7393
(12/1/05 11:55 am)
Reply
ezSupporter

Re: Death of a Can Opener
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Quote:
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tears as in crying, or tears as in ripped
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Tears as in crying. If it were tears as in ripped, those would be hemorrhoids.


DAN, WESLEY, SU & 3 DWECKETTES: SEPenna.





momtobrownie
Junior Member
Posts: 2841
(12/1/05 12:07 pm)
Reply
Re: Death of a Can Opener
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Melissa you nut!!!! I'm praying for your can opener.


I don't like it when I have tears in my ass it gets too soggy...
Wendy in Oregon






AmazonGold
Junior Member
Posts: 5847
(12/1/05 12:35 pm)
Reply
Re: Death of a Can Opener
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Quote:
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I got tears in my ass
lying on the grass
cryyyyyyyying over yoooooouuuuu....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



My thoughts exactly, Becca! How did I miss that beofre?? Oh my goodness, I am laughing so hard my face hurts.
Jackie, Bill, and Shadow







Aim
Junior Member
Posts: 2054
(12/1/05 12:45 pm)
Reply Re: Death of a Can Opener
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I just snorted tea through my nose. Thanksalotguys.



But seriously, may you rest in peace oh heavenly can opener.


Amy and Tucker






OtisLab
Junior Member
Posts: 4674
(12/1/05 9:52 pm)
Reply | Edit
Re: Death of a Can Opener
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Can we make this a sticky so we never lose it?

I just read the few replies at the end that I hadn't seen yet and I've gone and got tears in my ass again.


-Melissa-






momtobrownie
Junior Member
Posts: 2855
(12/1/05 9:59 pm)
Reply
Re: Death of a Can Opener
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I wonder what color are the tears in my ass??? Are they clear or are they..... well that's probably another post.
Wendy in Oregon






Lolasmom
Junior Member
Posts: 3610
(12/1/05 10:34 pm)
Reply
ezSupporter

Re: Death of a Can Opener
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Quote:
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Can we make this a sticky so we never lose it?
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I think it absolutely should be!!!!! I keep laughing every time I re-read it! And now the tears/tears.......

Jenn and Lola
New Jersey






ourTrinity
Junior Member
Posts: 15176
(12/1/05 10:36 pm)
Reply
Re: Death of a Can Opener
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Heh.. a new emotion. Ass-tears.

AHHHAHAHAHAHAH!!!


~Becca~






ourTrinity
Junior Member
Posts: 15188
(12/2/05 10:46 am)
Reply
Re: Death of a Can Opener
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bumping cuz I just re=read this.. its funny
~Becca~







Katy
Junior Member
Posts: 4598
(12/2/05 10:48 am)
Reply
ezSupporter

Re: Death of a Can Opener
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Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
tears as in crying, or tears as in ripped
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Tears as in crying. If it were tears as in ripped, those would be hemorrhoids.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Actually, wouldn't they be anal fissures? I worked with a guy who dated a girl who had them and he liked to share TMI.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-Katy from Arizona(a.k.a Rorybaby),momma to Rory D. Dogg and Rio D. Dogg and Mike D. Catt and Murphy D. Catt****






ourTrinity
Junior Member
Posts: 15190
(12/2/05 10:52 am)
Reply
Re: Death of a Can Opener
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Just Labradors.

Can opener to Anal Fissures.

Tell me, are YOU suprised?


~Becca~







Katy
Junior Member
Posts: 4603
(12/2/05 11:31 am)
Reply
ezSupporter

Re: Death of a Can Opener
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It's Friday and I'm feeling kinda fruity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-Katy from Arizona(a.k.a Rorybaby),momma to Rory D. Dogg and Rio D. Dogg and Mike D. Catt and Murphy D. Catt****






Paisley28
Junior Member
Posts: 318
(12/2/05 11:54 am)
Reply
Re: Death of a Can Opener
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How do we know it wasn't murder?








momtobrownie
Junior Member
Posts: 2865
(12/2/05 12:20 pm)
Reply
Re: Death of a Can Opener
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I just can't get enough of this thread!!!
Wendy in Oregon






Katy
Junior Member
Posts: 4614
(12/2/05 12:27 pm)
Reply
ezSupporter

Re: Death of a Can Opener
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Looks like Billybob's meth lab.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-Katy from Arizona(a.k.a Rorybaby),momma to Rory D. Dogg and Rio D. Dogg and Mike D. Catt and Murphy D. Catt****






TheoConBrio
Junior Member
Posts: 1127
(12/2/05 3:28 pm)
Reply Re: Death of a Can Opener
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I am rather offended that my rather moving piece of prose (if I do say so myself) has been cheapened by its proximity to all manner of anal fissures. Please!
nathan
owned and operated by
theo (morgan's theo con brio, CGC)



Edited by: TheoConBrio at: 12/2/05 3:43 pm






zoesmom1
Junior Member
Posts: 10704
(12/2/05 5:45 pm)
Reply
Re: Death of a Can Opener
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Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At least I can understand this one! That dune buggy thread was just too complicated!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Ditto!


Linda
Hawaii






Janna and Boomer
Junior Member
Posts: 1191
(12/2/05 5:52 pm)
Reply Re: Death of a Can Opener
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Ohhh...lawdy!!! My ass hurts...I mean my cheeks...
 

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I never saw this post. Oh, oh. Thanks for saving it!

They all roll around and open and close, and play together, but the day comes when one stops and stands up on its little metal arms. Suddenly its gears begin spinning at an alarming rate, and it walks, awkwardly but determinedly, toward you, not unlike those hammers in The Wall, but I digress.
Oh. My. Gosh. I didn't really want that to be funny, but I ended up laughing so hard I got...tears in my ass.
 

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omg! lol! I wasn't a member of the board when this was orginally posted, but thanks so much for sharing! That was hilarious!
 

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OMG I just had my first ass tear! This was way back before I found JL thanks for sharing again lol.
 

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I keep coming back to this point in the thread

Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OMGosh. Tears in my ass.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Excuse me?? You did mean "eyes," right?
And I've got to excuse myself from the computer and walk away and laugh....
 

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The part that made me lose it was nathan's Canbrow bridge tribute. and the part about opening a big ass can of peas together! lol! I'm dying over here! This is so funny!
 

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tears as in crying, or tears as in ripped
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Tears as in crying. If it were tears as in ripped, those would be hemorrhoids.
bwaahahaaa..
 
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