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It’s 11:22AM, which means it's time for the 6:00 news -- I'm your host Chester B. Dickens with the O&E News o' the Week, and we begin with this friendly reminder: If you miss a little, you miss a lot, and if you miss a lot, you may as well be over on justdalmatians.com!

And heeeeeeeeeere's the news!

_________________________________________________The Webkinz phenomenon that has been taking the ‘net by storm by allowing tweens to purchase property for their fictitious pets and fill these virtual homes with comfort items is under fire. “These communities are breeding grounds for all sorts of bad behavior,” comments U.S. Fair Housing Czar Chip Farley. “Residents move in and are lured into a lifestyle that they then cannot support. They’re shown hot tubs, flat-screen TVs, complex stereo systems, and other entertainment ‘necessities.’ Once they’re over-extended on their credit, they are encouraged to turn to gambling, furthering their spiral into indebtedness.” Farley pointed to the case of Cocker Spaniel puppy Floppy McCute, who moved into a Webkinz neighborhood in 2003. McCute had an idyllic lifestyle comprising an active social life and quarters that included a hot tub, a water bed, and state-of-the-art exercise equipment. But before long, she had no money for kibble or other necessities, and her landlord took steps toward eviction. McCute has since taken to living in a cardboard box with black-and-white cow markings all over it, with her apartment confiscated and resold as Section 8 housing. “Even a one-time win of $4,000 Webbux on an episode of Kinzardy! couldn’t save her,” mused Farley.

_________________________________________________The Hostess Baking Company in Kansas City, MO, has updated one of its classic snack cakes. The company’s line of chocolate, cylindrical, cream-filled cakes, which have been on the market since 1967, are getting a makeover. “We’re going for a new look and a new name,” says Hostess Director of Marketing Marcia Kinkade. “They used to look something like hockey-pucks. We’re now going for a textured application of the final dunk of chocolate coating, to give the cakes a series of pixilated points on its surface. Consumer studies have shown an affinity toward this type of texture, and we expect sales to reflect the preference.” The new snack cakes will be re-packaged and sold under their modified name: Nappy-Headed HoHos.

_________________________________________________A Rapid City woman, railroaded into a lifetime sentence for a minor traffic offense, has escaped from her prison cell after 30+ years. The woman, whose name is being withheld, was jailed as the result of a botched traffic violation, combined with shoddy lawyering. Prison guards found her missing in her cell at morning count. Further investigation into the cell showed a large hole in the wall that the inmate had apparently been chipping away at for decades. A series of posters hid her covert actions over the years: At first, it was a photo of Eliza Doolittle, followed by one of Mary Poppins, and, in succession, Maria Von Trapp, Victor Grazinski, and finally Queen Clarisse Rinaldi. FBI agents have joined the effort toward her recapture.

_________________________________________________A Milwaukee office worker was shocked this week to discover that mail goes in the company’s mail bag. Further stunning revelations to this employee included the notion that trash goes in a trash can; peas come in a pea pod; lions can be found in a lion cage; bananas grow in a banana tree; and movies are shown at movie theaters.

_________________________________________________Dateline, Schenectady, NY. A missing crew of World War II pilots – assumed dead for almost 60 years – wandered out of a local Ikea store, still dressed in their flight suits and still carrying their 1940s flight paraphernalia. Captain David B. Yoachem, leader of the Tigerclaw Squadron that disappeared from radar tracking on March 2, 1942 over Bermuda, was among the six dazed but healthy airmen. “I don’t know how we got in there,” he said, motioning over his shoulder to the labyrinthine Swedish furniture store behind him. “But I’m glad to be out. We walked around that Wall o’ Spatulas for what seemed like decades!” Family notifications that the crew was recovered safely went out immediately across the country. The flyboy heroes were undergoing health examinations and an in-depth de-briefing session. The crew’s two desires were a cup of joe and a slice of pie from the nearest Horn & Hardart’s automat, followed by a theatrical viewing of Abbott and Costello’s latest comedy.

_________________________________________________Friday April 13 might strike fear into those suffering from triskaidekaphobia, but for groups of lucky bagels across the U.S., it is an opportunity to get an insider’s look at the workplace. Celebrating “Bring Your Bagels to Work Day,” round bready snacks from all across the nation are being toted to participating companies and partnered with real-life employees. “We feel it’s beneficial to show them that there’s more to their futures than cream cheese or lox,” says Carla Mission, head of the Commission for Bagel Mentoring and Advancement Commission (CBMAC). Bagels nationwide reported having a lot of fun getting their insider’s look at a nine-to-five lifestyle; however, several who went to the Hamilton Beach manufacturing plant in Murfreesboro, TN, were apparently terrorized when shown the product testing procedure for toasters.

_________________________________________________A Long Island new mother, who delivered twins this week, has already been approached by Hollywood to allow the babies to appear in a prequel to the Disney hit The Parent Trap. The movie – about a set of adorable twins who trade places and bring hi-jinks to their befuddled parents – will show audiences what happened before the events in the original movie. “It’ll be cool,” says director Flip Devlin. “Baby One, who usually cries ‘EEEEEEEEE’ and likes the left breast will start to mimic Baby Two, who cries ‘OOOOOOO’ and likes the right breast. Meanwhile, Baby Two will cry ‘EEEEEEEE’ and prefer the other breast. Audiences will go crazy.” Look for a Christmas release date.

_________________________________________________And let’s turn to the culture-vulture segment of the WJLB newscast: It’s common knowledge that visitors to homes in the Midwest are routinely asked or expected to remove their shoes before entering a home, particularly in the winter, when snow, ice, and road salt can wreak havoc on carpets. But perhaps these little-known variations of that custom will prove entertaining: In Indonesia, for example, it is considered bad form to wear rings while in church. In Stockholm, guests are expected to comb their hair over their eyes and walk around backward when stopping by relatives. And in Pago-Pago, men and women swap all clothing before entering the kitchen. You might want to step lightly in Frankfurt, where it’s considered a compliment to the host if your pet poops on the living room floor. And when visiting Qatar, know that no invited guest arrives without wearing the blood of four chickens slaughtered by the light of the full moon.

_________________________________________________And that's the news. I'm Chester Dickens saying "If it's too much to not be a jerk, than at least don't be a Dickens."
 

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Hilarious, as always. I especially like the Nappy-Headed HoHos and lost pilots in Ikea.
 

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I just love these!! ;D LOL!
 

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*snort*

I did actually laugh out loud through all of those. Good job. :)
 

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I missed it too. OMG ... BWAAHHHAAHAAAAA. I don't know where to pinpoint my laughter. They are HYSTERICAL.

Webkinz.... OMG.... BWAHAHHAAAA. gambling.... haaaaaaaaaaaaa
 
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