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It’s 4:14PM, which means it's time for the 6:00 news -- I'm your host Chester B. Dickens with the O&E News o' the Week, and we begin with this friendly reminder: If you miss a little, you miss a lot, and if you miss a lot, you may as well be over on justdalmatians.com!

And heeeeeeeeeere's the news!

The JL Café began testing its potential new home this week, in beta mode. Although things are running relatively smoothly, a number of features have not yet been activated and will be put on hold until a final decision is made about a permanent move. Among these: the Electronic Post Snarkifier, the Left/Right Extremist View Politicizer, the Automated Conclusion-Jumping Feature, the Question-the-Source-Rather-Than-Debate-the-Issue Link Verification Detector, and the ever-popular Unsubscribe/Resubscribe Snitometer. Luckily for early adopters, the Board’s DramaRama Indicator is in full operation.

The stimulus package currently being wrangled through Congress and the White House is being criticized for including a certain amount of pork, despite the President’s assertions that it would not. When asked to point to specifics, Republican Budget Guru Rep Franklin Pursestrings (GA) cited the $41.25 that a congressional sub-committee spent during a long workout session, when they broke at 6PM and ordered takeout barbecue ribs for themselves.

An editorial superstar in the Bay Area is having second thoughts about having nudged out a worthy opponent for a new position. Carl Slikk, new SVP of editorial content at the Wonderific Publishing Company, says that he was prepared for an increased workload and a jump in responsibility when he started the new job, but not quite to the extent that he has experienced since taking the reins. “I’ve been in this same suit since Tuesday,” a bleary-eyed Slikk commented from behind a mountainous pile of manuscripts on his desk. “It’s enough that I can wash this shirt out in the executive bathroom, wring it dry, and put it back on in the 10 minutes’ free time I’ve been able to carve out for myself. And my three-year old has seemingly forgotten my name, according to my wife.” Slikk has adjusted well, however, to other aspects of the job, namely the intravenous supply of nutritional fluids that cancel his requirement to ingest food and a discreetly placed colostomy bag to eliminate bathroom trips.

A PA dad’s faulty reading of his familial chili recipe sent his wife and three daughters to the hospital this week for stomach pumping. “Eh,” said the haphazard chef when asked to describe the difficulty: “Kidney stones, kidney beans: Who knew there was a difference?”

Dateline, London: A group of dog handlers created a ruckus when they showed up at the Collegiate Church of St Peter – the traditional place of English coronations and monarchical burials – with pets in tow. When asked why, the bewildered owners replied: “We’re here for the dog show; this *is* Westminster, isn’t it?”

Wednesday, February 11, in response to a politely worded – if somewhat haggard – request, agreed to pack it in early and hand off the week to Thursday. According to official world timekeepers in Greenwich, the day shortened itself by approximately 3.25 hours. “I was asked if I could pack it in early,” commented February 11. “The requester was having a tough time and simply asked me to move it along. I saw no reason to hang around – Letterman was a repeat – so I took off.” Worldwide, scientists are now grappling with what to do with the extra hours, settling on the idea to add them to another day. The most popular choices are the day before your 8th birthday, Christmas Eve, or the day before you leave on your 10-day cruise of the Caribbean.

John and Kate Gosselin, the Discovery Channel stars of their own reality series that chronicles the highs and lows of parenting multiples, are suing Nadya Suleman for copyright infringement. Speaking through their attorney, Miles Habeas, the Gosselins charge that Ms. Suleman “…wantonly and willfully did usurp their rights to the intellectual property known as televised provision of the parenting of multiple children.” Suleman, acting as her own counsel, denied the accusations, claiming that a special pitched to ABC entitled “Nadia and… Nobody… and Her Fourteen Fledglings” was mere internet rumor.

And that’s the news. I'm Chester Dickens saying "If it's too much to not be a jerk, than at least don't be a Dickens."
 

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Great job Chester! Glad to see you made it here to the new board.
 

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Dave, how did you find this old thing? :D
 

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LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!!!!!!
 

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I did a HUGE double-take. Thought Chester had a ghostwriter.....
 
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