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It’s 12:43PM, which means it's time for the 6:00 news -- I'm your host Chester B. Dickens with the O&E News o' the Week, and we begin with this friendly reminder: If you miss a little, you miss a lot, and if you miss a lot, you may as well be over on justdalmatians.com!

  • Digital TV takes over today, with Americans finally shedding the era of rabbit ears and tin-foil receptors. Said Felix Testpattern, speaking on behalf of the Federal Communications Commission: “We welcome the crystal-clear, reliable signal represented by the migration to high-definition broadcasting. This development brings a new level to home entertainment, and we eagerly anticipate watching the same old programming crap—the usual array of inane reality shows, news coverage that merely hides a political agenda, moronic sitcoms, boring dramas, and the like—but in now in eye-popping, 21st Century detail.”

  • President Obama’s kind gesture to supply a child with an excuse note for skipping class to hear him speak has netted some unwanted results, according to the administration of the Felix Frankfurter Elementary School, Green Bay WI. “When Kennedy came in with her note from the President, we were all very impressed,” commented Principal Betsy Admin. “But the following day, we had seven excuse notes from the Pope, three from teen star Zac Ephron, one from CA Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, and one that we almost thought was real because the text had been cribbed from elsewhere, without attribution, signed by ‘Vice President Joe Biden.’”

  • A Milwaukee, WI, professor is enjoying employing his newly earned degree: Doctorate of Ball Busterage, supplementing his usual semester content of Finance 202 with a layer of mercurial decisions, arbitrary rulings, pedantic adherence to arcane classroom rules, and other challenges to students. “I’ve worked hard to cultivate these pain in the ass skills,” the Professor was quoted as saying. “Earning my DBB degree took many hours of classroom instruction, independent study, and even participation in a sort-of residency program. I’ve learned from the best, though, and look forward to making my students’ classroom experiences with me a living hell.” The Professor then cut short the interview to continue typing an e-mail to his present class, informing them that tomorrow’s quiz—worth 60% of their final grade—would begin at 6 a.m. and require all answers written in Babylonian cuneiform.

  • The dogs that reside in a Tulsa, OK, home are continuing their efforts to communicate successfully with a newly adopted member of the family. “I don’t quite understand her,” said the elder of the canines. “She’s very cute, but her language is… strange to us. And all our traditional attempts to communicate with her—butt sniffs; play bows; barks, yips, and sighs—have pretty much gone unanswered.” Despite the challenges, the pets have managed to find some level of common ground. “She kissed us on the nose a while back,” commented the dog. “We all knew exactly what she was saying then!” Professing to be an expert problem-solver, the elder-dog mentioned that he would use online resources to try to breach the gap. “I’m told I need to learn a new language to get through to her on a daily basis. I’m perfectly willing to do so. Apparently, I need proficiency in a rather strange and unique animal dialect called….. lolcats.”

  • A CA Christmas Tree has gotten his wish, thanks to a local family from India. “I have always heard about Flag Day, celebrated in the U.S. on June 14, but I’ve never experienced one. I so wish-wish-wished I could see a Flag Day, that magical time when the red, white, and blue is on display for all to see. The bunting, the streamers, the appearance of someone called Uncle Sam….” The tree’s owner, learning of the fervent desire, kept the tree long past the Yuletide season, despite derision from family and friends. “The evening of June 13, I couldn’t sleep; I was so excited.” Having a self-described “best Flag Day ever,” marked by the repeated singing of “You’re a Grand Old Flag,” the tree was then content to be dumped at the curb for the trashmen to haul away.

  • The community of Califon, NJ, is cracking down on topless hoagies. Said commissioner Philip Morale: “This has gone on long enough. Hoagies that are shameless in their display of onions, tomatoes, lettuce. This is a family community. For hoagies to think that they can go around town looking like that, well, it’s just not right.” Enacting ordinance 593.99§3332, the Califon City Council authorized police to warn errant sandwiches to cover up and gave them authority to supply tops to any deli creation needing one. “Even a slather of mayo is better than nothing,” said Morale. Next on the community’s hit-list: diners offering bottomless glasses of soft drinks.

  • The AFTBL—American Federation of Tee Ball Leagues—is revising the rules of the game to be even more tot-friendly, according to a press statement issued by the organization. “We hope to engender in young players a love of this sport that will carry them forward many, many years,” read the statement. “In doing so, we hope to remove some of the more negative aspects of play, in the hopes that eliminating the drawbacks of tee ball will ensure that it remains fun for everyone.” The AFTBL cited some of the prior efforts toward this goal, including the removal of traditional outs and scorekeeping for very young players, but said that the latest push would go further. “We’re advising against the use of bats and balls, noting how many injuries to young players this equipment causes. Further, because the instances of trying out for a particular role and not making it can be scarring, we are eliminating *all* fielding positions. Lastly, we are concerned that the requirement to run discriminates against children who either cannot run at all or who are not as adept at running as others; therefore, no running.”

And that’s the news. I'm Chester Dickens saying "If it's too much to not be a jerk, than at least don't be a Dickens."

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OMG Dan, I was starting to quote stuff that has me in tears, but there are too many.


Topless hoagies, how perfect was that?!

:D :D :D
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