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It’s 11:57AM, which means it's time for the 6:00 news -- I'm your host Chester B. Dickens with the O&E News o' the Week, and we begin with this friendly reminder: If you miss a little, you miss a lot, and if you miss a lot, you may as well be over on justdalmatians.com!

And heeeeeeeeeere's the news!

_________________________________________________Spring arrived in much of the nation as scheduled on March 23, but after a scant three weeks on the job, Spring has abdicated. “It was so much pressure,” commented the season, recovering from its rocky start. Spring fled the U.S. on April 12 and agreed to be interviewed from its present location: a rehab/intervention center in Cancun, Mexico. “I was expected early from that damned groundhog, and things spiraled quickly out of control soon after. The demands just came pouring in: ‘We need more sunlight; I want my daffs to bloom; Can’t we start the baseball season?’ For God’s sake, people were all over me!” When it left office, Winter had to be roused from its slumber and put back in place of controlling the weather, but thankfully, the transferal occurred without gaps.

_________________________________________________Researchers at the Pediatric Behavioral Center of Ottumwa, IA, are offering parents a helping hand when it comes to children who are chronic liars. The center has partnered with a local manufacturing plant to bring to the market the “Pinocchinose,” a facial attachment that provides clear indications when an untruth is being told. “It’s a real breakthrough,” says Dr. Phyllis Jorgenson, project lead on the item. “With parents leading busier lives, interactions with children are shorter and of a more superficial quality. Who has time to discern the truth in scenarios like that?” When a lie is discerned, the Pinocchinose sounds an alarm. In demonstrating the invention, Dr. Jorgenson responded truthfully to a number of pre-determined questions. The demonstration took a dramatic turn when Jorgenson’s separated husband, using phony press credentials, infiltrated the questioners. He asked his wife a number of revealing questions about one Mark Frutz, identified as “…the buff concrete contractor who lives across the street.” Further questions revolved around his former spouse’s ADD symposium in Maui held the prior February. And a number of unexplained charges on the couple’s Discover Card. By the end of the demonstration, Mr. Jorgenson had to raise his voice to be heard above the sounding alarm. Dr. Jorgenson then called a hasty end to the assembly, citing time restrictions.

_________________________________________________The retired cast of the Disney/Pixar franchise of Toy Story films is happily living in a North Texas home, delighting the children therein but vexing their mother somewhat. “We’re having a ball,” comments Hamm D. Pigg, the pink bank star of the movie. “It’s nice here. The house is large and comfortable; the kids are polite and imaginative. The only issue is that Mom doesn’t seem to understand that we can move around on our own. She tries to clean us up – getting us all into a toybox for instance – but c’mon. We’re Hollywood. We’re used to our own condo’s and pools and such. You can’t expect us not to wander.” Already, subsets of the cast have found their own niches and are building smaller communities in which they find themselves more comfortable. “The army dudes like the backyard,” says Pigg, “where they can practice their maneuvers. And the Weebles family – man, they’re weird. They’re in the bathroom, setting up a clothing-optional commune. They say it’s healthy, even for the young’uns, but I gotta tell you – the sight of Mrs. Weeble wobbling around without her paint on is a little nightmarish. I mean, she’s no spring chicken anymore – and she has had three kids!”

_________________________________________________An Ohio woman was arrested this week for planting a Herb garden. Neighbors thought her actions were odd, but it took several calls to local law enforcement before the truth could be unraveled. The police dug up from her lawn such luminaries as Mr. Alpert, Mr. Handcock, Mr. Anderson and even Disney’s The Love Bug. The woman awaits formal charges.

_________________________________________________An Ontario roadcrew was threatened with legal action for discrimination unless it hired a potential worker, Chittery D. Buckteeth, a local beaver who applied for employment. “Nowhere on the paperwork – nowhere – does it say that roadcrew members must be human,” comments Mr. Buckteeth. “I am just as capable as any other worker, and if I have to go to court to prove that, I will.” The Provincial Commission on Streets, Roads, and Highways agreed to hire the rodent on a trial basis and evaluate his effectiveness after a three-month grace period. “We had to make some accommodations,” said supervisor Clifford Hardy, “but so far, so good. The biggest hurdle has been drivers who are unaccustomed to seeing a hard-hatted, tool-toting beaver in the middle of the road. But that aside, I think Chit is going to work out well – he’s already got the basics of taking a 69-minute coffee break, and his shovel-leaning skills are really coming along.”

_________________________________________________A couple who recently took in a Seattle Mariner’s game were surprised to find that their seats weren’t actually in Safeco Field but, rather, that they had purchased tickets to watch the game from the passing Space Shuttle, which agreed to open its bay doors to allow viewage. “It was a little chilly up there,” said the fan. “My hot dog iced up almost instantaneously, but the beer remained frosty cold. We also had some difficulty seeing the players numbers, but NASA said we could use the Hubble telescope, and that made things better. We saw a wicked double-play involving who I think was Jose Lopez and Richie Sexson, but I couldn’t really tell.” Mariner’s Media Rep Charlene Wilds says the space-shuttle seating provides a thrilling vista to see America’s favorite pastime, plus the heart-stopping experience of an actual space launch. “Next season, we’ll be putting bleachers on the moon,” she says.

_________________________________________________A Cincinnati restaurant, wanting to come to the aid of customers who are just unsure about what to put on their salads, are offering Business Casual Dressing. “It’s all about being comfortable,” describes master chef DeMond Clay, of the well-known Chez L’Eaterie restaurant. “Hot bacon, vinaigrette, balsamic whatever can be so intimidating. Does it go with greens? Is there too much garlic? What about MSG? The salad sits heavily in your stomach like a dumpling or something, and when you go back to your office after lunch hour, productivity goes out the window. Your 2:00 meeting becomes nap time! We’ve pared it all down to a very simple offering: a little oil; a little salt and pepper; a grind of parmesan cheese. No fuss; no muss.”

_________________________________________________And that's the news. I'm Chester Dickens saying "If it's too much to not be a jerk, than at least don't be a Dickens."
 

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A couple who recently took in a Seattle Mariner’s game were surprised to find that their seats weren’t actually in Safeco Field but, rather, that they had purchased tickets to watch the game from the passing Space Shuttle
BAAAAAAAAAAH HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!! ;D

Good one Dan!
 

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LOL>......Great job as always....
 
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hahahahaha!!! Love the Business Casual Dressing! Surprised Newman's Own has not put that out on the market yet.

Great Job again!
 

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ROFL!!! Love the Business Casual Dressing :p ;D

I was wondering how long it would be before someone commented on that title ;) :laugh:

:laugh: :laugh:

Great job as always, Dan ;D
 
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i love our mention in the news this week, dan. i think we could have seen better from the space shuttle. you always do such a great job and are such a wonderful writer.
 

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CLAPPY HANDS. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Dan.... I love your news. ;D ;D ;D Thank you so much. I logged on tonight just to find the Friday read by Chester.
 
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