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It’s 1:04PM, which means it's time for the 6:00 news -- I'm your host Chester B. Dickens with the O&E News o' the Week, and we begin with this friendly reminder: If you miss a little, you miss a lot, and if you miss a lot, you may as well be over on justdalmatians.com!

  • The honeymoon career prospects of unassuming singer Susan Boyle came to a crashing end this week when it was revealed that the production staff of “Britain’s Got Talent”—as well as millions of online fans—had been duped by the 40-something Scottish sensation. “We were asleep at the switch,” commented BGT executive producer Ron Groove. A thorough examination of Ms. Boyle’s performance of the “I Dreamed a Dream” ballad from the musical “Les Miserables” revealed a shock: The heartfelt and masterful performance, in which many could not reconcile such dulcet tones issuing from such a self-proclaimed ugly duckling, were, in fact, the result of a sophisticated and technologically complex lip synch. When the cover was blown, representatives for Boyle came clean in full, further admitting that BGT’s megastar wasn’t what she seemed in one other respect: She is, in reality, a man from Isle of Skye, Scotland.

  • A Michigan bird, having realized that her first option of housing locations was ill-chosen, has decided to relocate. “I initially thought that the space above a porchlight would be ideal, providing not only illumination but also warmth,” said the mother bird. “But the steady stream of barking Labs, in and out and in an out, made me quickly realize I needed to move.” Motherbird’s search for new digs revealed a quieter and more serene spot: In the mouth of a factory whistle.

  • A set of beleaguered parents, helping their middle-school aged son choose a musical instrument for study, were initially very pleased at his selection. But came to rue the day he made his announcement known. “He picked the baton,” said the boy’s father. “We were like, COOL! He’ll just wave it around silently and we won’t have to endure the hours of noisy practice that other parents do.” Turns out the respite was short-lived, as the budding maestro was told he could only gain a working knowledge of the stick by conducting a symphony orchestra. Which assembles in his sun porch every afternoon from 3-4PM. “The Beethoven Erioica Symphony has shattered every piece of crockery in the house,” wailed the boy’s mother. “And the dogs – they ran off days ago, when he was studying the 1812 Overture.”

  • A California man has learned the hard way that, when giving an employer an ultimatum, it’s best to be prepared to live with the result. Macon Dimbulb, 26, marched into his superior’s office this week and demanded a raise, professing that without one, he would quit the firm. When the refusal was issued, Mr Dimbulb did, in fact, walk out the door. He then arrived home, where he commanded that his wife make waffles or be prepared to sign divorce papers on the spot. Mr. Dimbulb – newly single – proceeded to Sacramento by car and, entering the capital building, bellowed for an audience with the governor. He expressed the assurance that without seeing Mr. Schwarzenegger, he would punch the security force in the nose. Dimbulb will speak on all these events next week during a press conference held at the Braxtonville County Jail.

  • The WalMart corporation this week revealed its controversial tactic for keeping customers in a steady state of calm and acquiescence. Corporate spokesperson Marlee Retail says, “We prefer a shopping environment marked by consumers calmly walking the aisles and not creating difficulties for anyone. Toward that end, we have, for years now, used a system of atomizers to imbue the air in the stores with a scent that combines blend of calming herbs with a derivative of Quaaludes. Thus far, it has proven very successful, as violent crime within our WalMart locations nationwide is virtually non-existent.” Leaders in Washington are considering a similar aerosol methodology to surround post offices nationwide next April 15.

  • Bruce Springsteen fans are considering a class-action suit for misrepresentation, following an incident at the Convex Civic Center. Irate ticket holder Matthew Borntorun described Tuesday night’s concert: “Lights go down. Everyone is screaming BRUUUCE! Strobes begin flashing. Lots of smoke and fireworks. Announcement comes: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN… THE BOSS!! Spots come up… and it’s a paunchy guy in a tie and vest, sitting at a desk. He’s got his feet up and is making paper airplanes. The audience is stunned into silence. He glances at his laptop. Checks his Blackberry. Looks at his watch. People start booing. He opens a desk drawer. Takes out a paper sack. Begins eating a tuna sandwich from it. WTF is this??”

  • Crossed signals from the FBI resulted in a battery of officers breaking into six-year-old Susie McSweetie’s tea party on Monday afternoon. “We, uh… had some bad intelligence,” stammered Deputy Jason Conclusionjump in describing the mishap. Reportedly, the child had just poured out for Mr. Cuddle-Bear, using a treasured pink-flower teapot filled with tap water, when the windows crashed in and 4 armed officers repelled into the room. Screaming, Ms McSweetie immediatele retreated and cowered behind FloofyDog, who was propped in a plastic Dora the Explorer chair. It took several hours to explain that the tea gathering – complete with Girl Scout Pecan Sandies and two Mint Milanos – was not, as reported, the violent tax-day protest the authorities assumed it was. The FBI refuses to admit any further culpability for damage to the McSweetie home, but unidentified sources report that an informal collection followed to raise $1.54 to replace a copy of “Goodnight Moon,” the book being read by Bunny Q. Whiskerkins that was accidentally torn in the fracas.


And that’s the news. I'm Chester Dickens saying "If it's too much to not be a jerk, than at least don't be a Dickens."
 

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Seriously Chester. I enjoy reading these every week. You are amazingly creative in the way you put the stories of the week together, or ....................

have you considered getting together with BobPr for a few sessions? I am thinking that if this is the way your mind works, there must be something else going on in there. Maybe he could help you find that mystery and straighten that head out. ;) :)
 

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Seriously Chester. I enjoy reading these every week. You are amazingly creative in the way you put the stories of the week together, or ....................

have you considered getting together with BobPr for a few sessions? I am thinking that if this is the way your mind works, there must be something else going on in there. Maybe he could help you find that mystery and straighten that head out. ;) :)
Although I've never met either of them, somehow I believe Mr Dickens is too 'out there' for even BOBPR to figure out. Just cutting through Chester's constant haze of gin would be a monumental task....
 

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That was great!!! Did Mr. Dickens send in his portfolio to NBC yet? Would make some pretty funny skits on SNL. Thanks for once again brightening my day.
 
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