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It’s 1:03PM, which means it's time for the 6:00 news -- I'm your host Chester B. Dickens with the O&E News o' the Week, and we begin with this friendly reminder: If you miss a little, you miss a lot, and if you miss a lot, you may as well be over on justdalmatians.com!

A team of spelunkers from the California Institute of Geography was dispatched to Oregon this week to embark on an assignment that proved to be equal parts danger and adventure. Marta St. Alagtite, heading the three-person CAVEN/Rescue Unit of the CIG, described the task: “We were told to bring at least two days’ provisions, as well as the full bore of our climbing and exploratory equipment: ropes, pulleys, counterweights, cameras – the whole deal.” St. Alagtite and her colleagues were then told of the point of their mission: To plumb the dangerous depths of a family room sofa and retrieve a lost remote control. “It was a little touch-n-go,” she said. “We encountered some rusty springs in there, and a fair amount of dog hair. Navigating around a tricky spot we called Popcorn-Hull Ridge, we took a left at Lint Pass, ignored the implications of Condom Canyon, and then spotted the remote. It wasn’t long before we pulled ‘er up and returned her to her grateful family.”

Alfie Patten, the 13 y.o. British boy who grabbed headlines for becoming a father at such an early age, is back in the news today, when it was revealed that he is not, in fact, responsible for siring the offspring with which he has been held responsible. As details emerged, the lad’s partner had multiple dalliances, putting his paternity in question. The issue was finally settled using DNA evidence. Patten, commenting afterward, is disappointed, having found fatherhood to be ‘rather cool.’ And in follow-up statements, he declared that he is refusing to even consider returning the presents he received last Father’s Day, namely, four action figures from “Star Wars Clone Wars,” Wii MarioKart, a movie pass to see the Disney release “Bolt” in 3-d, and a month’s supply of bubble gum.

As springtime hits the U.S., it is not too early to stress safety at this time of year; therefore, the National Weather Safety Board (NWSB) offers this reminder. In a tornado, time is of the essence. If you find yourself in a situation where a funnel cloud is approaching, do NOT take the time to:
5 – Compile your last will and testament because there’s NO WAY that your bratty niece is getting Mom’s china pattern
4 – Continue pounding on the cellar door, calling for Aunt Em and Uncle Henry to open the frig up
3 – Finish watching “Heroes” on TiVo
2 – Snap self pictures of it by holding your cell phone at arm’s length
1 – Turn on a fan to get a little air

Construction workers’ union Local 5322 is set to protest the coming birthday party of a local two year old, charging that many of the games and activities are not up to code. “The proposed proceedings at this event raise serious questions about not only accuracy and legitimacy but also common-sense safety,” says spokesman Chet Tapemeasure. “Just look at this invitation, to start,” he continues. “Shows a large dump truck, which is fine, but then there are the googly eyes and large smile… Although MacDump Model 53c with the 25-ton capacity bucket features 42-watt, fog-busting headlamps that could *possibly* be mis-construed as eyes, there’s no room on the grill for dental work of any kind.” Tapemeasure went on to critique several other aspects of the party, including plastic helmets that were clearly inadequate for providing any cranial protection whatsoever, and party-favor screwdrivers and wrenches that “...would fail any governmental testing regimen in about three seconds.” Tapemeasure’s last faults with the proceedings included the length of the event and its perceived-to-be ambitious pace, citing that union rules clearly call for three 20-minute breaks for every hour of work.

The success of the Broadway musical “Jersey Boys” has sparked a sequel that is set to reach the boards next season. Entitled “Philly Girls,” the show will include original songs that capture the flavor and color of the City of Brotherly Love. Details are still being finalized, but at present, the song list includes the following tracks:
- Yo, Whudjas Lookin’ at My Sister Like Datfor?
- Yiz Got Pizza Gravy on Your Tee, Vinnie
- I Fell In Love Widges During the Iggles Game
- The Cheesesteak Charleston
- Carmine! Turn on the Spiggot!

The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is taking aim at common English phrases, now claiming that they, too, exhibit a shocking lack of respect. Joanna Pelt, speaking at a PETA gathering in Hogshollow, TN, said: “We will no longer stand idly by and let animal rights be shunted aside by phrases like ‘dog tired,’ ‘cathouse,’ and ‘birdbrain.’ They are offensive and hurtful, and we look forward to their elimination in two shakes of a lambs tail, from the horse’s mouth… -- oops.”

A Maryland story earlier this week about a couple who got into trouble by combining sex toys with power tools – necessitating a trip to the ER in the process – caught the attention of Joel Slimey, CEO of the Shag-a-riffic Adult Toy Company. The item has sparked his creativity, spurring him on to create a new product line. “It’s a natural,” says Slimey. “The intersection of TOUGH and RUGGED tools with marital aids.” Shag-a-riffic’s new offerings include the Garter Belt Sander, the All Night Screw Driver, and the Handsome Stud Finder. Sold where these products are readily available.

And that’s the news. I'm Chester Dickens saying "If it's too much to not be a jerk, than at least don't be a Dickens."
 

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Chester... you've outdone yourself today!

Especially love the one on "Philly Girls" and of course the Tough & Rugged Sex Toys.
 

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The success of the Broadway musical “Jersey Boys” has sparked a sequel that is set to reach the boards next season. Entitled “Philly Girls,” the show will include original songs that capture the flavor and color of the City of Brotherly Love. Details are still being finalized, but at present, the song list includes the following tracks:
- Yo, Whudjas Lookin’ at My Sister Like Datfor?
- Yiz Got Pizza Gravy on Your Tee, Vinnie
- I Fell In Love Widges During the Iggles Game
- The Cheesesteak Charleston
- Carmine! Turn on the Spiggot!
I smell some Tony awards!!
 

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The success of the Broadway musical “Jersey Boys” has sparked a sequel that is set to reach the boards next season. Entitled “Philly Girls,” the show will include original songs that capture the flavor and color of the City of Brotherly Love. Details are still being finalized, but at present, the song list includes the following tracks:
- Yo, Whudjas Lookin’ at My Sister Like Datfor?
- Yiz Got Pizza Gravy on Your Tee, Vinnie
- I Fell In Love Widges During the Iggles Game
- The Cheesesteak Charleston
- Carmine! Turn on the Spiggot!
BWAH HA HA HA HA HA AHAHHHHHHHH!
 

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Chester was 'tagged' last week as being lame.

I'm glad to see he stepped it up.....
 

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Tag: funneh! Glad I provided some last minute material too.


Although personally, I think that Snap-On tools would be a better partner for sex toys!
 
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