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It’s 3:59PM, which means it's time for the 6:00 news -- I'm your host Chester B. Dickens with the O&E News o' the Week, and we begin with this friendly reminder: If you miss a little, you miss a lot, and if you miss a lot, you may as well be over on justdalmatians.com!
We open on the international scene: President of the French Republic Nicolas Sarkozy was dazzled this week after hosting a reception for a group of Americans – sisters all – who were touring his country for the very first time. Sarkosy rolled out the red carpet for the visitors, wanting to ensure that their view of Paris became “…one of the most unforgettable times in their lives.” The siblings caught Sarkosy’s eye when they were walking the famous Avenue des Champs-Élysées at a time when he was passing by in his limousined entourage. He immediately had the driver pull over, engaged the women in conversation, and invited them to dine. When asked why this particular group garnered the President’s attention, press secretary Phillippe Escagot replied: “One of them was identified by the President as being a dog lover. Considering Mr Sarkosy’s affinity toward canines himself, he immediately knew a frienship would be instantaneous.” And what ID’ed the one tourist in particular as a dog lover? “Il était immédiatement evident,” said Escargot. “She had dog hair on her dark coat.”
A Swiss Mountain Dog this week ate $400 in cash, the fruits of labor earned by his owner, a physical therapist. Original reports cited the ingestation as being accidental. However, as details were released it became clear that the unusual foodstuffs was intentional. Said the owner: “Given the current economy, the value of the dollar today, and the cost of premium dog food, feeding currency became the cheaper option.”
A restraining order was issued this week when animated TV character Gumby was served with court papers designed to keep him from harassing a Huston, TX, cake topper bound for Australia. The chief investigator on the case, Paul Pokey, commented: “The cake-topper bride was really creeped out. Mr Gumby was repeatedly warned by local law enforcement to leave her alone – she was clearly with someone else – but his obsession got the better of him. We caught him Tuesday night trying to squish his way into her mail slot. At that point, she had had enough.” The cake-topper bride turned to official channels when her cake-topper groom proved ineffective at repelling the green, shape-shifting pest. “Despite appearances,” she said, referring to her mate, “He’s got no balls.”
A Bay Area writer is feeling the backlash over his ability to craft haiku, especially after several local families expressed that they find his latest niche market rather offensive. Although details are still emerging, this much is known: In this soft economy, the wordsmith sought to supplement his income by writing snippets of the unusual Japanese poetry and selling them. Trouble followed, however, when he formed a professional alliance with a local cemetery, and his 5-7-5 moraes began appearing on headstones. “I find it offensive,” said Emma Spadehead curator of the Angelwings Memorial Gardens. “Epitaphs do not belong in haiku.” Spadehead is now requiring families to vet their intended stone marker inscriptions with her first, in an effort to avoid such entries as: “Uncle Phil lies here/cirrhosis of the liver/finally did him in”; and “Maybe Cousin Flo/might’ve lived a bit longer/by giving up smokes.”
The success of the TV Discovery Channel show “Toddlers in Tiaras” has led to a new spinoff for next season. “We are truly excited about this venture, says VP in charge of programming Pauline Remote. “We’re bringing to mothers a whole new approach to the activity of participating in pageants. This time, judges will be evaluating fetuses in the womb and lauding those that have been determined to be REALLY SPECIAL.” Not a mere beauty pageant, the show will also focus on talent, says Remote. “We’ll be putting these babies to the test,” she gushes. “Trying to see how they react to stimulus like loud music or bright lights. And wait ‘til you see them dance after Mom’s eaten 32 Butterfingers!” Title of the show: The Miss Utero Pageant. Look for it on Tuesdays at 9PM on Discovery.
As a public service to all viewers who are using this spring period to prepare for College Boards, WJLB offers this sample SAT question. See how you fare: If a rocket leaves Mars at 13:53:03, heading on a bearing that will eventually take it to the parking lot of a Wal*Mart in Yuma, AZ, and is traveling roughly twice the speed of sound, how long will it take Martha Stewart to bake a strawberry torte, if her hands are tied?
a) Two ounces of Stoli
b) $2.63
c) Vic Tayback as Mel Sharples
d) By calling your doctor if it persists for more than four hours
Answer: C. And if you happened to get it wrong, please prepare for a lifetime of difficult manual labor, as your chances of getting into any school anywhere have just been dashed forever. And thank you for playing.
And finally, WJLB is sad to report the ban of Listmember Ray Feltz, who participated as “DAD2SUN,” a username that invoked his 2 year old yellow lab, Sunny. Dad2sun broke one of the most fundamental rules of the JL forum: Working, when his time was supposed to be spent posting. “Unacceptable,” characterized newly appointed JL Forum mod George Nittypicker. “We expect Ray – and all our members for that matter – to use their JL time wisely. That means jumping to conclusions, making sweeping generalizations, holding other members up to ridicule, racking up post-counts, even pasting-in lolcat pictures. Whatever! But NOT working. Rule 53 clearly states: No productivity will be tolerated while members are logged into JL. Let Mr Feltz’ dismissal from the Forum serve as a warning to all.”
And that’s the news. I'm Chester Dickens saying "If it's too much to not be a jerk, than at least don't be a Dickens."
We open on the international scene: President of the French Republic Nicolas Sarkozy was dazzled this week after hosting a reception for a group of Americans – sisters all – who were touring his country for the very first time. Sarkosy rolled out the red carpet for the visitors, wanting to ensure that their view of Paris became “…one of the most unforgettable times in their lives.” The siblings caught Sarkosy’s eye when they were walking the famous Avenue des Champs-Élysées at a time when he was passing by in his limousined entourage. He immediately had the driver pull over, engaged the women in conversation, and invited them to dine. When asked why this particular group garnered the President’s attention, press secretary Phillippe Escagot replied: “One of them was identified by the President as being a dog lover. Considering Mr Sarkosy’s affinity toward canines himself, he immediately knew a frienship would be instantaneous.” And what ID’ed the one tourist in particular as a dog lover? “Il était immédiatement evident,” said Escargot. “She had dog hair on her dark coat.”
A Swiss Mountain Dog this week ate $400 in cash, the fruits of labor earned by his owner, a physical therapist. Original reports cited the ingestation as being accidental. However, as details were released it became clear that the unusual foodstuffs was intentional. Said the owner: “Given the current economy, the value of the dollar today, and the cost of premium dog food, feeding currency became the cheaper option.”
A restraining order was issued this week when animated TV character Gumby was served with court papers designed to keep him from harassing a Huston, TX, cake topper bound for Australia. The chief investigator on the case, Paul Pokey, commented: “The cake-topper bride was really creeped out. Mr Gumby was repeatedly warned by local law enforcement to leave her alone – she was clearly with someone else – but his obsession got the better of him. We caught him Tuesday night trying to squish his way into her mail slot. At that point, she had had enough.” The cake-topper bride turned to official channels when her cake-topper groom proved ineffective at repelling the green, shape-shifting pest. “Despite appearances,” she said, referring to her mate, “He’s got no balls.”
A Bay Area writer is feeling the backlash over his ability to craft haiku, especially after several local families expressed that they find his latest niche market rather offensive. Although details are still emerging, this much is known: In this soft economy, the wordsmith sought to supplement his income by writing snippets of the unusual Japanese poetry and selling them. Trouble followed, however, when he formed a professional alliance with a local cemetery, and his 5-7-5 moraes began appearing on headstones. “I find it offensive,” said Emma Spadehead curator of the Angelwings Memorial Gardens. “Epitaphs do not belong in haiku.” Spadehead is now requiring families to vet their intended stone marker inscriptions with her first, in an effort to avoid such entries as: “Uncle Phil lies here/cirrhosis of the liver/finally did him in”; and “Maybe Cousin Flo/might’ve lived a bit longer/by giving up smokes.”
The success of the TV Discovery Channel show “Toddlers in Tiaras” has led to a new spinoff for next season. “We are truly excited about this venture, says VP in charge of programming Pauline Remote. “We’re bringing to mothers a whole new approach to the activity of participating in pageants. This time, judges will be evaluating fetuses in the womb and lauding those that have been determined to be REALLY SPECIAL.” Not a mere beauty pageant, the show will also focus on talent, says Remote. “We’ll be putting these babies to the test,” she gushes. “Trying to see how they react to stimulus like loud music or bright lights. And wait ‘til you see them dance after Mom’s eaten 32 Butterfingers!” Title of the show: The Miss Utero Pageant. Look for it on Tuesdays at 9PM on Discovery.
As a public service to all viewers who are using this spring period to prepare for College Boards, WJLB offers this sample SAT question. See how you fare: If a rocket leaves Mars at 13:53:03, heading on a bearing that will eventually take it to the parking lot of a Wal*Mart in Yuma, AZ, and is traveling roughly twice the speed of sound, how long will it take Martha Stewart to bake a strawberry torte, if her hands are tied?
a) Two ounces of Stoli
b) $2.63
c) Vic Tayback as Mel Sharples
d) By calling your doctor if it persists for more than four hours
Answer: C. And if you happened to get it wrong, please prepare for a lifetime of difficult manual labor, as your chances of getting into any school anywhere have just been dashed forever. And thank you for playing.
And finally, WJLB is sad to report the ban of Listmember Ray Feltz, who participated as “DAD2SUN,” a username that invoked his 2 year old yellow lab, Sunny. Dad2sun broke one of the most fundamental rules of the JL forum: Working, when his time was supposed to be spent posting. “Unacceptable,” characterized newly appointed JL Forum mod George Nittypicker. “We expect Ray – and all our members for that matter – to use their JL time wisely. That means jumping to conclusions, making sweeping generalizations, holding other members up to ridicule, racking up post-counts, even pasting-in lolcat pictures. Whatever! But NOT working. Rule 53 clearly states: No productivity will be tolerated while members are logged into JL. Let Mr Feltz’ dismissal from the Forum serve as a warning to all.”
And that’s the news. I'm Chester Dickens saying "If it's too much to not be a jerk, than at least don't be a Dickens."
