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It’s 1:49PM, which means it's time for the 6:00 news -- I'm your host Chester B. Dickens with the O&E News o' the Week, and we begin with this friendly reminder: If you miss a little, you miss a lot, and if you miss a lot, you may as well be over on justdalmatians.com!
The new home for the JL community continues to blossom with the discovery of additional features and enhancements. One such gaining a lot of attention is an offshoot of the “Ignore” feature. It is located to the left of the Refresh button and is labeled “IGNORANCE.” While in a threaded conversation, a user can highlight a particular poster and hit this convenient button – or enact it through a Shift-Alt-DollarSign-PrintScreen combo. The intellectual output of the poster in question is immediately lifted by at least a 25% gain of IQ. “This is really smart technology at its best,” say the board admins. “We look forward to it helping to end many of the disputes that crop up from time to time.”
A California parent is being brought up on RICO charges in conjunction with some shady dealings in selling Girl Scout Cookies. “We’ve been watching this house since cookie sales began in early February,” says investigator Gina Gumshoe. “Turns out the cookie sale didn’t involve cookies at all, but, rather, was nothing more than an elaborate Ponzi scheme that netted the family cruises to Mexico, luxury cars, and other high-priced niceties.” Charges are pending. The only comment from the Girl Scout organization itself is a footnote in the file, recommending that the child who was tasked with selling the cookies in the first place be awarded the Entrepreneurial Merit Badge.
According to industry officials, the sagging newspaper industry within major U.S. cities continues to totter and is on the verge of total collapse. If the print-news industry does fall apart completely, economists worry about related business going under as well. “Yes, there will be fallout that affects writers and editors,” says pundit Chance T. Cursor. “But the elimination of daily big-city newspapers will have other ripples as well.” For example, Cursor states that fishmongers worldwide will require some other wrapping for their products (he suggests legal briefs, which, according to him “…stink already.”). And daycares, which will need to find some other covering for craft tables. “A bunch of people will truly suffer,” describes Cursor. “Papier mache users. Your cousin Dave who needs to move his Star Wars collectibles. The ones I really pity are those magicians who make cornstalks out of rolls of newsprint,” summarized Cursor. “I don’t know *what* they’re going to do…”
A representative from Maryland Light and Power (ML&P) has pled guilty to charges of breaking and entering and criminal mischief in a case involving a customer’s significant savings. Giuseppe Van Sash, 24, is accused of jimmying gaps and otherwise damaging the fuel-efficient windows of home of an ML&P user. “She was saving like $42 a month on bills by those damned windows,” Van Sash said. “That was pure profit to ML&P. We couldn’t have that. So I took it upon myself to make her windows just a little…. Drafty. Like the old ones were before she replaced them. We made a *bundle* on those babies!” Police also believe that a Maryland Water Company worker infiltrated the home to create a series of undetectable leaks in the toilets, but they were unable to gather enough data to charge a suspect.
A recent survey of the religious convictions of U.S. citizens reveals an all-time low response to the question: Do you believe in God? Likewise, however, the Devil is also losing traction with Americans. When reached for comment about the plunge in those ascribing to the existence of Satan, the Lord of the Underworld replied: “Tell me about it! Pfft. I used to be able to unleash a plague or kill some crops or something and zoom, everyone feared me. Now, it’s a totally different story. I’ve used greed and distrust to wreak havoc with the U.S. economy, and do they give me credit? NO! It’s that damned Bernie Madoff’s fault. Well who the hell do you think got him his start?!?! I taught him everything he knew, from the time he first sold the same Babe Ruth baseball card to the same 12 kids, only to deliver a wrinkled Three of Spades from a Bicycle deck!” The Prince of Darkness was considering the hiring of a PR firm to improve his image but decided to try some more time-tested techniques first: “I’m all set to oversee the opening of 253 new Wal*Marts across America. We’ll see how that goes…”
And in the world of gaming, BigThumbs magazine has issued its 2009 recommendations for the best games for the Wii gaming system. “We took 23 titles from the Wii catalog and gave them to a group of seven year olds to determine their preferences and gather data on their likes and dislikes,” reports BT editor-in-chief Bamm Slammer. “The results were shocking.” Slammer reveals that the test group had the most fun… stacking the plastic Wii game boxes house-of-cards style and repeatedly knocking them over.”
And that’s the news. I'm Chester Dickens saying "If it's too much to not be a jerk, than at least don't be a Dickens."
The new home for the JL community continues to blossom with the discovery of additional features and enhancements. One such gaining a lot of attention is an offshoot of the “Ignore” feature. It is located to the left of the Refresh button and is labeled “IGNORANCE.” While in a threaded conversation, a user can highlight a particular poster and hit this convenient button – or enact it through a Shift-Alt-DollarSign-PrintScreen combo. The intellectual output of the poster in question is immediately lifted by at least a 25% gain of IQ. “This is really smart technology at its best,” say the board admins. “We look forward to it helping to end many of the disputes that crop up from time to time.”
A California parent is being brought up on RICO charges in conjunction with some shady dealings in selling Girl Scout Cookies. “We’ve been watching this house since cookie sales began in early February,” says investigator Gina Gumshoe. “Turns out the cookie sale didn’t involve cookies at all, but, rather, was nothing more than an elaborate Ponzi scheme that netted the family cruises to Mexico, luxury cars, and other high-priced niceties.” Charges are pending. The only comment from the Girl Scout organization itself is a footnote in the file, recommending that the child who was tasked with selling the cookies in the first place be awarded the Entrepreneurial Merit Badge.
According to industry officials, the sagging newspaper industry within major U.S. cities continues to totter and is on the verge of total collapse. If the print-news industry does fall apart completely, economists worry about related business going under as well. “Yes, there will be fallout that affects writers and editors,” says pundit Chance T. Cursor. “But the elimination of daily big-city newspapers will have other ripples as well.” For example, Cursor states that fishmongers worldwide will require some other wrapping for their products (he suggests legal briefs, which, according to him “…stink already.”). And daycares, which will need to find some other covering for craft tables. “A bunch of people will truly suffer,” describes Cursor. “Papier mache users. Your cousin Dave who needs to move his Star Wars collectibles. The ones I really pity are those magicians who make cornstalks out of rolls of newsprint,” summarized Cursor. “I don’t know *what* they’re going to do…”
A representative from Maryland Light and Power (ML&P) has pled guilty to charges of breaking and entering and criminal mischief in a case involving a customer’s significant savings. Giuseppe Van Sash, 24, is accused of jimmying gaps and otherwise damaging the fuel-efficient windows of home of an ML&P user. “She was saving like $42 a month on bills by those damned windows,” Van Sash said. “That was pure profit to ML&P. We couldn’t have that. So I took it upon myself to make her windows just a little…. Drafty. Like the old ones were before she replaced them. We made a *bundle* on those babies!” Police also believe that a Maryland Water Company worker infiltrated the home to create a series of undetectable leaks in the toilets, but they were unable to gather enough data to charge a suspect.
A recent survey of the religious convictions of U.S. citizens reveals an all-time low response to the question: Do you believe in God? Likewise, however, the Devil is also losing traction with Americans. When reached for comment about the plunge in those ascribing to the existence of Satan, the Lord of the Underworld replied: “Tell me about it! Pfft. I used to be able to unleash a plague or kill some crops or something and zoom, everyone feared me. Now, it’s a totally different story. I’ve used greed and distrust to wreak havoc with the U.S. economy, and do they give me credit? NO! It’s that damned Bernie Madoff’s fault. Well who the hell do you think got him his start?!?! I taught him everything he knew, from the time he first sold the same Babe Ruth baseball card to the same 12 kids, only to deliver a wrinkled Three of Spades from a Bicycle deck!” The Prince of Darkness was considering the hiring of a PR firm to improve his image but decided to try some more time-tested techniques first: “I’m all set to oversee the opening of 253 new Wal*Marts across America. We’ll see how that goes…”
And in the world of gaming, BigThumbs magazine has issued its 2009 recommendations for the best games for the Wii gaming system. “We took 23 titles from the Wii catalog and gave them to a group of seven year olds to determine their preferences and gather data on their likes and dislikes,” reports BT editor-in-chief Bamm Slammer. “The results were shocking.” Slammer reveals that the test group had the most fun… stacking the plastic Wii game boxes house-of-cards style and repeatedly knocking them over.”
And that’s the news. I'm Chester Dickens saying "If it's too much to not be a jerk, than at least don't be a Dickens."
