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It’s 1:48PM, which means it's time for the 6:00 news -- I'm your host Chester B. Dickens with the O&E News o' the Week, and we begin with this friendly reminder: If you miss a little, you miss a lot, and if you miss a lot, you may as well be over on justdalmatians.com!

A beleaguered mother is under fire from the ACLU for charges of discriminatory behavior behind the comment that “no colds allowed” is the policy in her home for the remainder of the winter season. “This is a blatant slur against life forms that include rhinovirus, common respiratory infection, and general flu,” said ACLU attorney Kim Pantibunch, “and we intend to press this issue to the full extent of the law.” Pantibunch cited the home’s inconsistency with regard to airborne visitors, claiming that “…the home’s LABS certain put enough DANDER in the air! And yet the matriarch maintains this position against innocent germs. It’s hypocritical and unfair.” At press time, picket lines were assembling.

A coalition of weekdays comprising Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday has filed charges on Friday for violating the U.S. legal stance on the separation of church and state. “It’s always THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY! THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY,” said Tuesday, spokesday for the other calendar slots. “Friday’s got no business asserting an official deity; it’s unconstitutional at best and offensive at worst.” Seeing the success of the action, a number of months announced their intention to consider similar litigation against March for animal cruelty, citing the “…whole IN LIKE A LION/OUT LIKE A LAMB commentary.”

A survey out of Hollywood reveals some interesting viewing habits among movie-watchers: A full 26% of those professing to enjoy going to the movies take advantage of the opportunity to see them in a theater. Roughtly 36% would much rather sit at home and enjoy their state-of-the-art screen/sound systems when watching the latest blockbusters. And a surprising 2% expressed a preference for watching movies – specifically big-screen epics like “Dr Zhivago” and “Ben Hur” on their iPods. “Widescreen scares me,” said Wilber Squint, a 68-year old retired bank custodian who responded in the affirmative to the unusual preference. “It’s just too… wide. I think I’ve got a problem with my peripheral vision. Besides,” he continues. “There’s nothing quite like watching ‘The 10 Commandments’ while waiting in line at the DMV. I can get through it almost twice while waiting…”

The new home of JL welcomes its latest crew of spammers with the following message, fashioned just for them: Íåïëî õèå ïîäáî ðêè âèäåî. Áîëüøîé âûáîð çäåñü. åïëî õèå ïîäáî ðêèåïëî õèå ïîäáî ðêè. Eüøîé âûáîð ëüøîé âûáîð ëüøîé âûáîð. Uüøîé âûáîð üø âûáîð ëüøîé âûáîð ë üøîé âûáîð ëüø îé âûáîð.

Alcoholic popcorn is the latest snacking craze to hit U.S. markets. Using a distilled essence of popular potables such as vodka, gin, and even champagne, popcorn makers are able to bring a little kick to their usual movietime treat. Look for test flavors to hit shelves later this spring, marketing under the brand name Orville Reddennoser.

The neighbors of Hightstown Circle gathered in support of neighbors Clio and Phil Jenkins, who were saddened this week by the loss of their home. Clio, assisting her husband as best she can, said “We’re presently looking under the sofa cushions, which is where the DVD remote disappeared to last October. It was gone for almost a month. We’re confident, with the help of our supportive neighbors and our faith that the U.S. economy will soon swing upward that we’ll find our place of residence in no time. It was just here a minute ago.” Mr Jenkins was unavailable for comment, busily patting his pockets and bearing a confused expression.

The producers of the ABC mystery-drama “LOST” are delaying an upcoming episode, hauling it out of its present schedule for last-minute re-shoots. “We don’t exactly know what happened,” said Jan Muddle, executive co-producer for the ABC hit, “but fortunately, before it aired, we took one last hard look at the installment, entitled ‘Locke-Stock-and-Barrel’ and came to the conclusion that it could no go out as originally shot.” ABC is not commenting on exactly what the issues are; however, insiders at the network claim that the 44 minute show (without commercials) contained no confusing plot twists, had a straightforward and logical timeline, featured zero obscure references, brought back not a single unfamiliar character, included no bizarre references within the dialog, and comprised a shocking lack of head-scratching moments. According to the source, “We were told from the highest levels of creative and the network to fix it and to ensure that it never happened again.”

And that’s the news. I'm Chester Dickens saying "If it's too much to not be a jerk, than at least don't be a Dickens."
 

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The new home of JL welcomes its latest crew of spammers with the following message, fashioned just for them: Íåïëî õèå ïîäáî ðêè âèäåî. Áîëüøîé âûáîð çäåñü. åïëî õèå ïîäáî ðêèåïëî õèå ïîäáî ðêè. Eüøîé âûáîð ëüøîé âûáîð ëüøîé âûáîð. Uüøîé âûáîð üø âûáîð ëüøîé âûáîð ë üøîé âûáîð ëüø îé âûáîð.
Excellent!! :D
 
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