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It’s 11:26AM, which means it's time for the 6:00 news -- I'm your host Chester B. Dickens with the O&E News o' the Week, and we begin with this friendly reminder: If you miss a little, you miss a lot, and if you miss a lot, you may as well be over on justdalmatians.com!

And heeeeeeeeeere's the news!

_________________________________________________The JL Board stunned the world this week when, after three days in the grave, it was gloriously resurrected, leaving in its wake a rolled stone, a tattered white shroud, and an angel to confirm the transformation. JL was seen in the ensuing days on the roads to both Emmaus and Damascus. Reports then followed that other long-dead Web sites such as HotBot and Wired.com had also been reborn, but these remained unconfirmed. Activity on the JL Board was instantly heavy, with posters eager to participate in the online forum before it ascended into the clouds, appearing as dazzling as the sun.

_________________________________________________Members of the U.S. House and Senate, eager to avoid the PR snafus of Wall Street bigwigs who were dinged this week for participating in expensive corporate retreats, re-tooled their own three-day planning session to represent less of a hit on U.S. taxpayers. Sen. Amiee Caucus (I-TX) made the following assessment: “We had originally been invited to our usual strategy-setting weekend in Williamsburg, VA. But after the press got wind of the expense, plans were changed.” According to unconfirmed reports, the think-tank meetings will now take place in the White House basement, where officials will have an old-fashioned sleepover, complete with bedrolls and sleeping bags. “The menus have been completely revamped as well,” says Sen Caucus. “Instead of the steak and seafood we were accustomed to, we’re now being promised Nathan’s Hot Dogs, bags of Lay’s potato chips, and (recyclable) bottles of Diet Snapple Iced Tea.” Desserts for the Senators/Representatives will also differ from years past, when they comprised various flans, Baked Alaska servings, and Swiss chocolates. This year, after-dinner sweets will be provided by none other than the Obama children themselves, who have busied themselves making oatmeal raisin cookies for the past four days. “We even remembered that Uncle Harry Reid likes extra cinnamon in his,” boasted a beaming Sasha Obama.

_________________________________________________Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps dodged a financial bullet this week, in relation to photos that had surfaced of his bong-usage at a college party recently. While it is true that corporate sponsor Kellogg’s has pulled Phelps from his lucrative appearance on Corn Flakes boxes, the Gold Medal winner has picked up a few replacement endorsements. Phelps’ manager Antionette Cashbox states: “After the pot pictures came to light, we were immediately contacted by – and happily accepted the invitations of – the makers of Doritos, Ho-ho’s, Ring-Dings, Bugles, Slim-Jims, and EZRoll Papers. Mr. Phelps looks forward to long and successful relationships with the producers of these fine products.”

_________________________________________________District Court 421, Dunsinane, IL, made its mark in legal history this week as the site of the first-ever filing of a lawsuit by a first-time father against his infant son. “Clearly, this newborn has breached a contract,” said the bleary-eyed dad. “I made it clear to all involved that I must get no fewer than seven hours of sleep a night. Since the arrival of my son, restful sleep has become non-existent, based on his negligent actions. He has staunchly refused to learn behaviors that will ensure a lack of wakefulness between the hours of midnight and 7:30AM, and therefore he remains liable.” The action also calls for punitive damages resulting from a series of unfortunate stains on a new wool business suit and repeated flagrant disregard for neighborhood ordinances regarding noise pollution.

_________________________________________________PuppyBowl V, held this week in concert with the National Football League’s annual Super Bowl, was marred by a controversy when it came to light that one of the Jack Russell Terriers, Chippy, was receiving illegal radio signals during the contest. Officials reviewed file footage of the game, where it clearly showed Chippy effectively blocking the advances of Golden Retriever pup, Zing, in trying to take away a squeaky toy. “It was just a little too perfect,” says PuppyBowl Ref Seeczar Millan. “Zing dodges left, and Chippy seems to *know* exactly where he’s going. He fakes right, pees on a Kong, and dives in for the kill, but Chippy doesn’t falter. Something must have gone on for the JRT to react in so seemingly an instinctual but defensively intuitive manner.” Several participants are now contesting the outcome, including Plume, a black poodle, and Storm, a German Shepherd. Chippy has announced an appeal, agreeing to send the case to dog expert Victoria Stillwell for final judgment.

_________________________________________________And last, we turn to the sour economy, which continues to languish across the globe. Evidence of how bad things have gotten became clear this week when Andrea McGinchy’s Facebook Farm faced foreclosure. “I tried my best,” said McGinchy. “I plowed diligently and planted in what I thought was a prudent manner, but when my wheat crops failed and then the bank called my loan, there was little I could do.” A tearful McGinchy stood silently by as her cyberhorse, Trot, was auctioned off and the proceeds remitted against her significant debt. Her decimated apple and pear trees were cut and sold for firewood, and even her trusty plow was turned into cash. Weeping softly, McGinchy expressed some desire to relocate and try finding her fortune again, but was vexed because “…my car from Parking Wars was also repossessed.”

_________________________________________________And this story from San Francisco of a Labrador Retriever who, in an attempt to contribute to the financial needs of his household, has agreed to go find work. “There are lots of lucrative opportunities for someone with my skill,” said the Lab, wagging enthusiastically. “For instance, I can de-stuff a toy in seconds. I can pee higher on a pole than any dog in the neighborhood. I can… umm… snore louder. Surely there’s a call for a loud-snoring dog somewhere, isn’t there? Maybe in Hollywood, as a sound-effect for a monster movie?” The eager pup even believed he could “sell his drool” for science, which, owing to its considerable volume, was “sure to net a huge profit.”

_________________________________________________And that’s the news. I'm Chester Dickens saying "If it's too much to not be a jerk, than at least don't be a Dickens."
 

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replacement endorsements. Phelps’ manager Antionette Cashbox states: “After the pot pictures came to light, we were immediately contacted by – and happily accepted the invitations of – the makers of Doritos, Ho-ho’s, Ring-Dings, Bugles, Slim-Jims, and EZRoll Papers. Mr. Phelps looks forward to long and successful relationships with the producers of these fine products.”
:laugh: :laugh:
 
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