EXTRA! EXTRA! Read All About It: The JL O&E News o'the Week

It’s 12:20PM, which means it's time for the 6:00 news -- I'm your host Chester B. Dickens with the O&E News o' the Week, and we begin with this friendly reminder: If you miss a little, you miss a lot, and if you miss a lot, you may as well be over on justdalmatians.com!

And heeeeeeeeeere's the news!

_________________________________________________The Burger King Corporation is facing a host of legal problems stemming from its latest Whopper promotion, which encouraged Facebook users to ‘sacrifice’ 10 friends – meaning delete them from their lists – in exchange for a coupon for a free sandwich. “We regret to inform the public that our tie-in promotion with Facebook has ceased immediately and permanently,” says BK CEO Wayne Kolesterawl. Apparently, the sudden halt to the promotion stemmed from a number of unbalanced individuals who, mis-interpreting the word ‘sacrifice,’ brought bloodied body parts (and, in several instances, entire corpses themselves) of 10 people with whom they once had a cordial relationship and demanded burger vouchers. BK officials went onto say that this was the worst case of a mangled marketing message since the fast-food chain embarked on its ‘hold the pickles/hold the lettuce’ push, wherein numerous patrons expected to be handed condiments in their palms.

_________________________________________________The Stand-up Comedy industry paused today to mark its official end to the wholesale treatment of the presidency of George W. Bush as fodder for gags, one-liners and bits. “We’ve ridden this horse hard,” said Borscht-Belt jokester Manny Pratfall. “But it’s time to let go. No more comidifications based on Mr. Bush’s unique speech patterns, cowboy bluster, low intelligence, and other shortcomings, either real or perceived.” Pratfall said, however, that when it came to material, Bush provided more than any president since James K. Polk, who’s slightly crossed eyes and penchant for eating dandelions from the White House Rose Garden made him a frequent target as well. “We wish the soon-to-be former president well,” summarized Pratfall. “As he returns to Midland TX… provided he can even find it. And we look forward to his forthcoming presidential memoirs… with plenty of dot-to-dot pictures.”

_________________________________________________Onto economic news: The U.S. Government’s salvation of the financial services industry and subsequent requests to rescue the automotive and even porn industries has netted one more group on the Hill with its hands out. Tough economic times, it seems, have hit even the oldest profession, as this week, representatives from the prostitution industry came to Washington with panties in a twist. Spokeswoman Debra Mascara says: “Our markets are soft, yet our cost of doing business remains high. So we’re being squeezed… ground down… thrust into situations where we struggle.. we’re sweating here.” Lawmakers expressed sympathy for those who make their livings after dark but were unsure about their next actions. “It’s not like we’re just going to leave $25bn on the nighttable and slink away,” said one Senator, who spoke only on the condition of his anonymity.

_________________________________________________And speaking of the economy, OPEC nations this week revealed what was long suspected but never confirmed: Oil prices, it seems, are reflective of absolutely nothing in reality and are changed according to the whim of producers in the Mid-East. Speaking to CBS’ 60-Minutes, Shiek Allvrah Khalehelhei Vrandekk let it slip that the cost of crude, so firmly tied to the gallon-per-dollar rate paid at neighborhood gas stations throughout the U.S., was pretty much left to chance. “It’s an involved rite, setting price,” says Vrandekk. “We twirl in a circle, spit three times, drink the blood of a sacrificed barn owl, and then toss a set of dice. The pips are then counted, multiplied by the number of wives currently being supported by my pal Vfrahhgu Jimmjamm, and that becomes the price per barrel. It’s totally random!” U.S. officials were stunned at the news and considered lobbying for a more predictable and steady method of determining price, but once the suggestion was made to pattern it after the U.S. Tax Code, the motion failed miserably.

_________________________________________________An Ontario family whose hot water heater broke within the past few days has had to completely revamp its vocabulary in its absence. “Can’t say I was boiling mad at Jamie when she wrote on the wall in crayon,” said the harried mother. “Nor could I threaten Timmy that he’d be in hot water if he threw his asparagus on the floor one more time.” The family patriarch, too, was thwarted in his attempts to describe a work project as ‘steaming right along.’ One descriptor that unfortunately needed no revisions was the word tepid to describe the couple’s more intimate moments. But according to the wife in question, things have been that way since her mate took up cross-country bicycle marathons in early 2000.

_________________________________________________MidWest Bank, looking to distinguish itself among competitors, has taken on the role of Least Customer Friendly. “We needed to stand out,” says CEO Marvin Margin. “But our entire market was full of ‘we try harder’ ‘we’re open weekends’ ‘we offer free checking.’ So we set out to be a total pain in the ass.” MidWest, which operates only one branch, boasts hours of operation from 1-1:15 M-F. Its single teller is 68 years old, deaf in one ear, and has arthritis that makes her slow making change. The company uses ledger sheets rather than electronic filings, and a withdrawal takes three days’ time. “Don’t even ask me for a friggin lollipop for your kid,” grouches Margin. “You want that? Go across the street. And take your frigging unrolled pennies with you!”

_________________________________________________“I’d never seen anything like it,” says Klaudster Riffylshonhee, third grade teacher at Hollywood’s exclusive Freedom Expressionista Elementary School. The cause of her wonder was a newly enrolled student with a quite unusual name: Bob. “I thought it was a typo,” said the 27 year old instructor. “That maybe it should be Byb. Or that it was an acronym for something like BlusterOsterBrinksmanship or something like that.” But no. The student’s name was merely Bob, which set him miles apart from the likes of fellow classmates Zenephobizz Plotz-Marshall, Klinkometer Hrughuuu, and a blond-haired girl known simply as #@^&. “I guess this is a new trend,” says Riffylshonhee. “Next thing you know, I’ll have a Joan.”

_________________________________________________And that's the news. I'm Chester Dickens saying "If it's too much to not be a jerk, than at least don't be a Dickens."