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It’s 3:15PM, which means it's time for the 6:00 news -- I'm your host Chester B. Dickens with the O&E News o' the Week, and we begin with this friendly reminder: If you miss a little, you miss a lot, and if you miss a lot, you may as well be over on justdalmatians.com!

  • The power of 21st Century science has led to the final resolution of a decades-old arson case. Michael Anderson – then a petulant 12 year old – was found this week to, in fact, be the party behind the blaze that claimed the Tree Fort at Kirkson’s Wood back in October 1971. “This investigation tested the limits of the science of arson,” commented Dr. James Bic , leader of the crew that kept digging for clues in the ensuing years. “We were committed, however, because this fire proved so damaging.” The blaze, whose motive was related to allegations of cheating during a backlot baseball game, consumed not only the boys’ clubhouse but also 38 back-issues of Playboy Magazine, a vintage dartboard, a game of solitaire that Jimmy Schwinden was in the process of winning, 14 O Henry bars, and a pack of Lark cigarettes that Mickey Mordente swiped from the kitchen drawer in his mother’s house. “We are pleased to finally put this case to rest,” said Bic.

  • The makers of SHAM-WOW, the cleaning cloth designed to soak up 10 times its weight in liquid, are offering a discount product that mimics its forebear but at a lesser price and capacity. “We’re repositioning SHAM-WOW as a downsized item in the market,” said product coordinator Victoria Spill. The new size will be 1/3 less the original, with a smaller capacity for drying. “We need to re-set consumer expectations on this re-directed product,” says Spill. “Which is why we’re re-branding it from the SHAM-WOW to the SHAM-MEH.”

  • Credit Card companies are tightening belts in an attempt to weather the current economic storm, according to industry reports. And consumers are feeling the brunt, facing charges and fees that were unheard of in past quarters. MasterLoan customer Quincy Debt noticed that the ante had been upped when he closely examined his latest statement. “I was zapped $26.94 for the ink used to print my bill,” he said. “Ontop of the postage charge, handling fee, and something called an environmental acquiescence penalty.” When asked, the MasterLoan company explained this latter expense: “We’re asking customers to help defray the costs of air conditioning our corporate headquarters.”

  • A New Jersey beach house burst at the seams this week when 573 visitors all stopped by on the same weekend. Guest Carl Sandbucket described the melee: “We didn’t really even know who the owners were. We heard from the Phillips’ that the Martins, via the Cummerbunns on Elm, were going down, so we took them up on the invitation to join.” No one was injured when the walls separated from the building’s foundation, spilling the vacationers – and their numerous Labrador Retrievers and other dogs – into the street. The local L&I office is considering a fine. And the estate of the Marx Brothers has announced legal action, citing copyright infringement regarding the team’s famous stateroom scene in “A Night at the Opera.”

  • Oprah Winfrey has decided to eschew her jet, but not to quell any controversy regarding whether or not ownership runs counter to her endorsement of a “green” lifestyle. Rather, she is exchanging the Z0393 Model for an upgrade. Says HARPO director of communications Amiee Flapjaws: “Oprah’s needs are no longer served by a traditional jet. She will now be going from appearance to appearance using the Space Shuttle Atlantis, which she has purchased outright from NASA.” According to HARPO literature, Atlantis will not only enable the talk show queen the ability to move from appearance to appearance more quickly, but it gives her a little more leg and seat room. “Not to be disparaging,” says a HARPO employee begging for anonymity, “But Ope’s back to having quite a bit of junk in the trunk, if you know what I mean…”

  • The Department of Homeland Security descended upon a hapless woman when surveillance equipment revealed her carrying a shopping list whose items could be used for destruction on a mass basis. “Ever since Oklahoma City, we have been wary of citizens toting around what looks to be an innocuous list but in actuality could be quite dangerous,” says Officer Kevin Paranoid. “You have no idea how volatile the combination can be of a pack of Wintergreen Tic-Tacs, a bottle of Tide detergent, a book of postage stamps, a six-pack of Orange Crush, two loaves of wheat bread, a jar of dill pickles, and a box of Shredded Wheat.”

  • A 39-year old man who answered a personal ad for a cougar got more than he bargained for when his intended paramour turned out to be an actual feline. Dirk Studley of Jerrysville was admitted to the hospital for multiple lacerations, cuts, and bruises resulting from his first date. “It was bad,” he said. “She backed me into a corner and then batted at me with her paws. She’d let on as if she were letting me go, but then she’d pounce again…” Studley vowed to be more careful in future dating endeavors. When last seen, he was scanning CraigsList, noting a posting by someone describing herself as “…a young, sweet minx.”

And that’s the news. I'm Chester Dickens saying "If it's too much to not be a jerk, than at least don't be a Dickens."
 

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Cougar one is hysterical!!!

I wasn't expecting the beach house one either, laughed out loud!!
:D
:D
 

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:D :D :D

*two thumbs* for Chester today!

He done outdid himself, especially love the beach house one & the one about the shopping list.
 
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