It’s 1:11PM, which means it's time for the 6:00 news -- I'm your host Chester B. Dickens with the O&E News o' the Week, and we begin with this friendly reminder: If you miss a little, you miss a lot, and if you miss a lot, you may as well be over on justdalmatians.com!
- Pennsylvania Sen Arlen Specter, concluding that over time, his political philosophies have become much more attuned to Democrats than Republicans, moved this week to officially change his party designation. As long as he was in disclosure mode, Specter further revealed that, in reality, he is a 27-year-old woman from Poughkeepsie named Edna, who knits tea cozies for a living.
- Falling ratings for the reality show “Jon & Kate + 8” has many online fans claiming that the show has effectively “jumped the shark,” meaning that its plot convolutions in an attempt to garner viewers have become implausible and silly. Of note is the episode in which Jon’s cranky “Uncle Patrick,” played by someone looking much like **** Van Patten, came to visit and ended up staying a month. Further objections included those related to the recasting of Gosselin daughter Maddy with teen sensation Demi Levado. And the suspicious encounter between Kate Gosselin and Nadya Suleman, where the two ladies battled – Krystal and Alexis style – over the last industrial-sized box of Lucky Charms at a nearby Sam’s Club.
- Local union 553.6 in Tulsa, OK, is organizing to officially protest the skill and craftsmanship of a local woman who is not only putting them to shame with her newly honed repair talents but is also proving to be faster and more conscientious than their members. “She’s a real threat,” says rep Henry Toolbelt, speaking on behalf of the group. “She’s neat, she cleans up afterward, she doesn’t take seven hours to unclog a drain, and there is absolutely no ass-crack when she works.” There were some initial thoughts of inviting the talented lass to join the ranks of the wrench-jocks, but that idea was snuffed when it was revealed that she could work a full day without taking the union-required 53 coffee breaks.
- A former smoker’s lungs have issued a thank-you note, expressing gratitude at no longer being gummed up with carbon dioxide, ethanol, and other harmful byproducts. “It’s nice to be able to expand and contract again in comfort. We appreciate how tough it has been to take this step, but really… thank you,” read the note in part. Furthermore, the smoker’s closet sent her a bouquet of roses, thankful for the absence of burnt tobacco in the fibers of every piece of clothing therein.
- A horror movie fan has expressed utter dismay at the “supposedly scary but extremely lame” film “The Uninvited.” Summing up her reaction thusly, she commented: “I expected frights and chills, and although there was a jolt or to, the general plot was lame. Wasn’t at all what I thought it would be, based on the title. Figured it was a story about a visit from my in-laws, who come unannounced from Peoria and stay 10 days straight. Now THAT’s horror!”
- Now, let’s take a look at the JL Community “For-Hire” postings, where a call exists for a high-class and intelligent troll. “We’re sick of idiotic trolling,” says the notice. “Moronic argumentation, immature counterpoints, rote debate: We’re tired of it all…” The classified asks for qualified candidates to submit curriculum vitae and list references. Sought is a candidate who can exhibit an advanced level of troll-ism that extends beyond the mere repetitive posting of an automatic opposite view for the purpose of pestering and/or nuisance-creation. No it doesn’t. Yes it does. No it doesn’t. I’ve got the classified right here. No you don’t. It’s here in my hand! No it isn’t....
- A Bay-area Lab is getting much use of the gift he received last Christmas: A dictionary. “For some reason,” explained the dog, “my human loves to take simple commands and muck them up with fancy-schmantzy language. I can’t understand him at all, and then I get scolded for noncompliance. At least this way, I have a fighting chance!” Cited as examples, the Lab notes that SIT is often presented to him as: Get thine posterior earthbound, canine! And FETCH becomes: Yon stick! Go thee hence and, carrying it in your maw, return it to me forthwith. “Who the heck can follow THAT?” he asks.