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It’s 3:24PM, which means it's time for the 6:00 news -- I'm your host Chester B. Dickens with the O&E News o' the Week, and we begin with this friendly reminder: If you miss a little, you miss a lot, and if you miss a lot, you may as well be over on justdalmatians.com!

Big news in the dog world this week as President Barack Obama made good on a campaign promise to two of his most important constituents, daughters Saschsa and Meleia, to who the Commander in Chief assured would get a puppy upon moving into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. The search was made more difficult by a number of factors, including an allergy condition and a muddied notion that the dog would assuredly come from a rescue organization. Dems in Washington were quite pleased at the outcome, a well-trained, well-behaved, handsome pet that would not shed, chew things, tinkle on the Oval Office carpet or hump the leg of visiting dignitaries. Turns out the optimal solution was to put former Vice President Dan Quayle in a dog suit and let him roam the Executive Mansion. White House Spokesperson Fan Danzer commented “He’s very well behaved, although we do sometimes have trouble getting him into his crate at night.”

Citing utter dismay at the “awesome” time he’d be missing, a groom’s brother lamented his lack of an invitation to the bachelor party this week. “I don’t get it,” commented the disappointed reveler. “I was so looking forward to cleaning up vomit from the backseat of a limo, to worrying about crabs for the next three weeks, to the humiliation of paying a hooker $450 to do little more than take the drunken groom into a party room and spray him with cheap perfume. And who doesn’t thrill to the post-party worry when a broken condom is found in the groom’s bathroom? Times like that, man. You can’t BUY that kind of good time!”

A youthful attendee at Tuesday afternoon’s “Festival of Orchestral Sound” concert at the Macadamian Symphonic Hall was treated for oxygen deprivation and other medical issues. He was evac’ed from the third balcony, just after the cellist had finished the mournful “Swan” solo from “Carnival of the Animals.” Said the victim as he was being carried out: “This is all my mother’s fault: I *told* her not to make me wear this stoopid tie!” The ER staff at the Jackson Street Hospital also treated the boy for injuries that were consistent with the wearing of “…hard dressup shoes…” and for something called “Extreme Sorbitol Deprivation,” a condition caused by an extended period of a lack of chewing gum. The boy is expected to fully recover; at press time, it was unclear as to whether he would be attending Thursday afternoon’s repeat performance of the program.

Franklin Obfuscate, President of the Excu-Scan Placement Center, a firm designated to helping employers fill project management positions, offers these tips on making new hires: “Be sure to screen your candidates carefully. Project Management is a crucial activity in today’s high-speed business setting. You want someone who is nimble enough to shift blame, dodge responsibilities, and duck tough questions at a moment’s notice. Successful Project Managers today must be able to sustain a period of at least a couple of weeks of *appearing* to make a decision, while, in actuality, making no decision at all. That’s a tough thing to do. Pay close attention to body language: You will need someone with the skill to talk out of both sides of the mouth and the brawn to cut the legs out from under an upstart colleague. Thick skin, silver tongue, empty head, cold heart – these are the plusses you’re seeking in today’s optimal Project Manager…”

The Grimschon Elementary School in Flaxseed, OH, is embarking on a revolutionary approach within its Language Arts program that, if successful, may find itself being adopted in education systems nationwide. Dr. Heinrich Chalkdust explains: “We copied the model used in today’s approach to mathematics, wherein the concept of estimation is being promoted. We believe that using approximates should also suffice when it comes to students and their Language Arts pursuits.” The system, called GoodEnNuff, features a line of textbooks and supplementary material that explain to students how a ‘noble attempt’ at things like spelling and reading is deemed perfectly acceptable. For instance, kindergarteners may now correctly opt to spell a feline pet as c-eh-t, k-a-t or even q-a-t if they prefer. And on a more advanced level, middle school students will read and report on such classics as “A Tale of About 1.5+ Cities,” “The Whatever-Baseball-Position in the Rye,” and Lewis Carroll’s “Alice in Somewhereville.”

In an aquarium in a Minnesota home, a fish mom, ignoring the storm of Internet opinion that says she should clearly stop having offspring, has delivered yet another baby. The latest, found just to the left of the bubbling plastic treasure chest that supplies the tank, appears to have been delivered Monday evening, although her parents would no comment. “The reproductive habits of this family are clearly their own business,” said an unnamed spokesfish for the couple. “If they can successfully care for their 593 children, who’s to say they shouldn’t have one more? Er. Um… Two more?....”

A farm in Iowa was the scene of a police raid this week when it was discovered that the crop of fowl it was raising in a back field was the result of stolen duck grower pellets. Springing in little shoots from the ground were rows and rows of tiny ducklings, beaks pointed to the bright sun and yellow feathers blossoming forth. Officer Tony Chlorophyll reported: “They were about three weeks away from being fully ripe. We’re going to confiscate the entire yield, warehouse them, and get to the bottom of this.” Officers were also suspiciously eying a nearby field of ragweed, questioning the owners as to the source of the seeds producing the popular household dusting implement.

And that’s the news. I'm Chester Dickens saying "If it's too much to not be a jerk, than at least don't be a Dickens."
 

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ALRIGHT... Chester dried up enough to give us the News O'the Week!!!

Loved it, I'll give it 5 stars!

:D :D :D
 

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LMAO....I FINALLY, after how many years, made Chester's report!!!!

Fantastic report as always!! Thanks!
 

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Many are called... few are chosen.
 
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