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It’s 2:12PM, which means it's time for the 6:00 news -- I'm your host Chester B. Dickens with the O&E News o' the Week, and we begin with this friendly reminder: If you miss a little, you miss a lot, and if you miss a lot, you may as well be over on justdalmatians.com!

And heeeeeeeeeere's the news!

_________________________________________________Scientists nationwide have prepared sections of the country for a virtual onslaught of 17-year nesting cicadas, who will be exiting their slumber this spring and summer and humming in droves through the dog days. “We’re very excited,” says Biologist Dr. Lonnie Fracas of the University of Michigan. “We’re going to be doing some experimentation on the humming patterns of cicadas, trying to see if we can actually teach them the words. Humming is fine, but wouldn’t it be a thrill to have the evenings accompanied by droves of cicadas singing four-part harmony to ‘My Old Kentucky Home’ or ‘Melancholy Baby.’”

_________________________________________________A Pennsylvania woman, overjoyed at the purchase of her new car, has had her spirits dashed when the lending institution financing the vehicle refused to consider her request for a loan to fill it with gas. “We had no issues with her initial credit request,” describes Guy Gideon, head loan officer of the nearby Faithful-n-True Bank. “Her credit rating – especially in light of a new job – was excellent for the purchase of the car. But the cost of gasoline was just too much risk. It pushes her debt-to-earnings ratio beyond our recommended limits; therefore, we’re declining the loan for fuel.” When last seen, the woman was putting the gearshift in neutral, letting the car drift down some neighborhood hills, and exclaiming “Wheeeee” from the open window.

_________________________________________________The Department of Homeland Security is issuing a one-of-a-kind passport to accommodate the unusually long name of Macon County, GA. Businessman John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. Mr. Schmidt’s long moniker cam as the result of several failed marriages of his mother, forcing him to run out of room on his passport. The document issued by the U.S. State Department shows his picture and lists his name as an unintelligible Jn Jcb Jnghmr Schmit, causing both embarrassment and hassle at U.S. checkpoints across the globe. The ‘widescreen’ passport should ease the travel burdens of Mr. Schmidt, a self-made millionaire who travels the globe selling gold-plated Scotch Tape dispensers.

_________________________________________________It has taken 64 years, but the estate of author Betty Smith has finally authorized an official sequel to the heartwarming novel A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. The original story involved Francie Nolan, a girl growing up despite the squalor of her turn of the 20th Century surroundings. The sequel has Francie returning to earth reincarnated as a squirrel, who must continue learning to adapt when her home – a 100-ft Locust Tree – is felled by a landscaping company. Set in present day, the novel also has a worthy environmental theme. The new title is A C02 Producing Wonderful Tree Falls in Pennsylvania, Deftly Avoiding All the SUVs and Other Gas Guzzlers on the Street.

_________________________________________________A beachgoer preparing for a three-month stint by the seaside suspects seriously that she’s overpacked. “I just hate to be without,” commented the traveler, amid the 12 suitcases, 52 grocery store boxes, 2 steamer trunks, and 32 duffel bags surrounding her on the floor. “I mean really… if it turns cold, I’m going to need my sweater, and if it rains, I won’t want to be without a poncho. And besides, look at all the stuff I’m leaving home: I have decided, for example, that I will not need my snowshoes, my sewing machine, my 1973 income tax returns, or my painted walnut collection.” At last report, the vacationer was having second thoughts about the snowshoes….

_________________________________________________A perplexed pet-owner has practically popped a pulmonary muscle in trying to pop a padlock from its perch on her post. “This is a pain!” she pronounced. “I’ve practically pried the platinum pin from where it protrudes from the prong, but it’s proving pointless.” The predicament was predicated by her pooch’s predilection for prancing around a nearby park without prior permission. Now, both parties are imprisoned by the persistent padlock. “Poop!” she postured.

_________________________________________________An Ohio peach was brokenhearted to find he was actually only a rental, and not up for permanent adoption. “Here I was headed to what I thought was a new home with a new owner and new surroundings, and it turned out all she wanted to do was borrow a peach. Gah. The humiliation. I know I have a few bruises on me; I know my Georgia accent is a little thick; but I have a heart, too. Can’t she realize that?” At some later point, the loaner peach was repaid in full, with two strawberries and a banana as interest.

_________________________________________________And that's the news. I'm Chester Dickens saying "If it's too much to not be a jerk, than at least don't be a Dickens."
 

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Oh my gosh, my post made a JL News O'the Week. Now this is my memorable moment on JL <BEAMING PROUDLY>
 

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dweck said:
_________________________________________________An Ohio peach was brokenhearted to find he was actually only a rental, and not up for permanent adoption. “Here I was headed to what I thought was a new home with a new owner and new surroundings, and it turned out all she wanted to do was borrow a peach. Gah. The humiliation. I know I have a few bruises on me; I know my Georgia accent is a little thick; but I have a heart, too. Can’t she realize that?” At some later point, the loaner peach was repaid in full, with two strawberries and a banana as interest.
:-*

Great job, Dan. ;D
 

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Bravo! Bravo!

Not to be a uh topper or anything but I made the news 2x in one shot :p
 
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