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It’s 11:58AM, which means it's time for the 6:00 news -- I'm your host Chester B. Dickens with the O&E News o' the Week, and we begin with this friendly reminder: If you miss a little, you miss a lot, and if you miss a lot, you may as well be over on justdalmatians.com!

And heeeeeeeeeere's the news!

_________________________________________________The network television stations are just about to wind down their seasons for the summer, but that doesn’t mean they’re not prepping for the fall. And mega-game shows, on par with NBC’s Deal or No Deal, continue to be all the rage. Which is why the FoxNetwork is so excited about its stream-of-consciousness gameshow: Shanna’s Useless Facts. Says Network Director of Primetime Programming Bryce Vernon: “We found this font of unconnected thought in Texas. She was a true original, and as soon as our talent scouts interviewed her for 10 minutes, we knew a game show centered around her unusual thought processes would be a hit.” The show operates by asking contestants to connect what may seem like two random ideas, by whatever stream-of-consciousness methodologies they can muster. “Watch as players try to talk their way from operating a new washing machine to the theory of evolution to why people get belly-button lint, all in one sentence. It’s a howl,” describes Vernon.

_________________________________________________Harper Collins, the publishing entity behind the mega-hit true-life story of Marley and Me, is introducing a dog-lover’s version of the popular John Grogan story. The media outlet describes the packaging as a hardbound copy of the book on waterproof pages, signed by the author, and containing and a small packet of Marley-themed tissues attached to the spine.

_________________________________________________A Florida family leaving for Colorado inadvertently left its Labrador Retriever home alone for the weekend, when the matriarch, busy with other tasks, apparently forgot to make any boarding plans for the pooch. The Lab was none the worse for the wear, staying up late to watch movies, jumping on the bed, and eating TV dinners in the dining room. Some trouble was reported along the way, however, when the dog applied stingy lotion to his face after shaving, causing him to slap both cheeks with his paws and bark: “Aaaaaaargh!!!”

_________________________________________________A Staten Island parent is under investigation by the local Casino Control Commission on the charge of using a six-year-old child as a slot machine. “We have reports that the parent – whose name is being withheld purposefully – was looking for three lemons to light up on the child’s forehead,” says CCC officer Dean McClintock. “He was very hopeful for a large payoff,” describes McClintock, “as the child had pooped three dimes and a penny the week before.”

_________________________________________________Hollywood adult-film director Bobo Skyline is putting the finishing touches on his self-proclaimed Greatest Porn Movie Ever Made. Skyline used about every x-rated talent available to him, not only in front of, but also behind the camera. “We worked off a script by Candy Sambro, Gonzo Venus, Lady Soforenko, and Abby Middle Ridge. Our cinematographers were a tag team of Tinkerbell Race, Buddy Tarawa, and Susie Sunshine Castle.” The epic film, with costumes – such as they are – by Lady Morningside, features a soundtrack of songs with music by Ginger Clinton and lyrics by Ten Bob, both of whom last collaborated on the film Candy Rectory Meets Buck Mettal. The all-star cast comprises Casper Gayville as Dusky Bon Air, Tugger Cherry as Baby Elwood, Snuggles Main as Candy Brown, and Diamond Easy as Mini-Mini Cherry. Look for cameos from greats such as Misty Wedgwood, TarBaby Miami, Tweetie Twenty, Fang Vista del Mar, and Buffy Sapphire. Distribution is via the conglomerate of Casey Hilltop/May East Vernon/Abby Middleridge.

_________________________________________________Proprietors of the national Do-Not-Call list admit that there are glitches in the system that allow unwanted solicitation calls to go through to homeowners. But representative Carl Meekly offers a lo-tech solution. “We have found that modern marketing data-gathering techniques have proven completely stoppable by homes using the old tin-can-and-string method of communicating with each other. The traditional hardware is extremely impervious to hacking and identity theft that leads to annoying calls. The sound quality may not be the best, but investing in the technology is as easy as a stop to the local kindergarten supply store!”

_________________________________________________An Oregon cat is currently in therapy to cure her innate desire to be a bunny. “I don’t want to like lettuce or live in a hutch, but I can’t seem to stop myself.” The cat has started to insist that her family begin calling her Sunshine TwitchyEars and that she be permitted unlimited access to Bugs Bunny DVDs. “Every Easter I find myself getting very restless,” says the uneasy feline.

_________________________________________________A Nashville neighbor who enjoyed the gardening help of a local six-year-old was shocked to be presented with a bill for services amounting to $825.32. “I had no idea she was tracking the time we spent together and compiling fees against it,” says the unwitting homeowner. “I figured she was just a bright kid who liked spending time with adults and enjoyed getting her fingers dirty.” The child’s itemized list of charges included billable hours for weed removal, flower transplantage, and even counseling services. “She claimed she helped me ‘talk through my Steve Martin issues,’” describes the gardener. “I didn’t even know I HAD Steve Martin issues!”

_________________________________________________And that's the news. I'm Chester Dickens saying "If it's too much to not be a jerk, than at least don't be a Dickens."
 

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dweck said:
_________________________________________________An Oregon cat is currently in therapy to cure her innate desire to be a bunny. “I don’t want to like lettuce or live in a hutch, but I can’t seem to stop myself.” The cat has started to insist that her family begin calling her Sunshine TwitchyEars and that she be permitted unlimited access to Bugs Bunny DVDs. “Every Easter I find myself getting very restless,” says the uneasy feline.
Hey... I think I know that cat, LOL. ;D :) Kitty is probably having an identity crisis. ;)

Great news report!
 

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Your good.............what a gift!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Although my new job keeps me away from here more now, I always love reading the JL wrap up for the week. :laugh: :laugh:
 

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BWAAAHAHAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAA That's funny stuff. Thanks man! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
 

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Just seeing this now! LOL!!!!

BUMP for Sam. ;D
 
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YOu know I did make my bed before we left and the pillows were all over the floor when we got home. Was someone jumping on my bed? And Codys shaving cream was all over the sink in the bathroom??

HEHE, I liked it.
 
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