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It’s 1:43PM, which means it's time for the 6:00 news -- I'm your host Chester B. Dickens with the O&E News o' the Week, and we begin with this friendly reminder: If you miss a little, you miss a lot, and if you miss a lot, you may as well be over on justdalmatians.com!

  • TDC – The Discovery Channel – hopes to continue to cash in on its reality show success this fall with the announcement of a new installment joining its ranks. “We’re excited,” says VP of Programming Vincent Remote. “This show takes the heart-warming aspects of Jon & Kate, the interesting worldview of Queer Eye/Straight Guy, and blends them with the psychological drama of the TV movie Sybil. And it’s all real!” The show, entitled “Greg & Greg + 8 Other Gregs,” will run on Tuesdays at 10PM, with encore presentations scheduled for TDC Weekends. Episode One, previewed at the press event announcing the show, introduced us to Greg, a Senior Meat Scientist and multiple personality, who joins in family with one of his iterations, Greg. They then adopt eight children, all named Greg, and hilarity ensues. The show has gotten the celeb endorsement of former boxer George Foreman, who was particularly touched by the style in which the Gregs named their children.

  • Dateline: Edison, NJ. Felix and Edna Podunk, husband/wife farmers from Pocatello, IA, were chagrined to find that their 1,403-mile drive to a “Corn Convention” was in error. Explained Edna: “Felix got this flyer in the mail, but he didn’t have his glasses on. He read it – Corn Convention – and thought we could benefit from the sessions. We expected discussions of harvesting techniques, cross-pollenization, how to fight frost… those kind of things. In fact, the last I saw Felix, he was heading off to a session on how the size of yer cob doesn’t really matter. But that was two days ago!” The Podunks were surprised to find that they had instead wandered into a PORN Convention. “Oncet I find my husband, we’re out of here,” summarized Edna, standing in the hotel lobby with her bags packed.

  • A Michigan woman suffering a foot injury has come to strongly suspect that the medical care she’s receiving may of dubious quality. Upon undergoing a number of suspect procedures, tests, and analyses, the injured party decided to cease her relationship with her medical team and self-diagnose. “I had fallen on my cellphone from a horse,” she explained. “And then all holy hell broke loose when I tried to get it looked at.” Her physician initially examined the wound using what looked suspiciously like a ViewMaster toy, applying it at various angles and clicking through several reels. When she questioned that tactic, he switched to the inside of a paper towel roll, held up to his eye and resting on the foot for “…a closer view.” When he tried to prescribe medication – three red M&Ms and a wintergreen TicTac – the patient collected her belongings and quickly headed for the exit.

  • Little Debbie – the snack cake icon – has signed up for a stomach lapband, in a desperate attempt to become more healthy. Her physician, Dr Flora Dora, says, “We happily received Debbie as a patient. Given that her health has reached a morbidly obese level, we are eager to begin her trek to a healthier lifestyle.” Debbie, who, year ago stopped resembling the smiling cherub on the snack cake packaging, had ballooned to a whopping 535 pounds. Unable to lift herself from her recliner, and flirting with illnesses including astronomical cholesterol and blood sugar levels, she was hospitalized only after EMTs worked for hours to extract her from her suburban home. “I’m eager to get started on the surgery,” said Debbie in pre-op. “Hopefully, when I come out of it, I’ll only eat one cupcake for breakfast, instead of my normal two!”
  • The director of a community theater production of “Fiddler on the Roof” found herself in the unenviable position of having to explain some of her ‘artistic choices’ to local law enforcement. Det. Jeff Straightlace explains: “We got a cell phone call to get down to the theater right away. Turns out it was from an audience member who had simply had enough and was leaving.” When officers entered the theater, they found the stage bathed in what later was found to be sheep’s blood. A number of citizens of Anatevka were lying naked on the stage, fornicating with the local Russian Constable and his soldiers. The set reeked of alcohol – with corn mash found in Tevye’s 55-gallon milk can. The members of the entire production were swiftly covered and taken away. The screaming director, being hauled to headquarters, was heard screaming, “This is NOTHING! Do you hear me? NOTHING!! You should have seen what I did with the Nazis and the Nuns in ‘The Sound of Music!’”

  • “Dirty Jobs” host Mike Rowe has quit the series. “In assignment after assignment, I have not balked, bitched, or bellowed at one thing I’ve been asked to do. Not one. Of all then gag-worthy, disgusting, vile and stomach-churning tasks, I’ve gotten right in there and done them all. But everyone has a line to draw somewhere, and I’m drawing mine right here.” Rowe would not identify the job that caused him to resign, but an investigation of the show’s travel log reveals the point of no return: The team was set to travel to Washington D.C. and clean up Congress!

  • And on the weather front, God’s thermostat seems to has broken for much of the U.S., a situation he apologizes profusely for. “I can’t seem to get it right,” said the Lord God Almighty, tapping at the round dial on his wall of the Everlasting Kingdom. “It’s cold in the east, roasting in the south, too rainy everywhere… This summer sucks!” The Master of the Universe then shuffled out of the hall, popped in his iPod, and slunk down into his La-Z-Boy.

And that’s the news. I'm Chester Dickens saying "If it's too much to not be a jerk, than at least don't be a Dickens."
 

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OMG Dan, errrrrrrrr, I mean Chester, I'm dyin' over here! :D :D :D
Her physician initially examined the wound using what looked suspiciously like a ViewMaster toy, applying it at various angles and clicking through several reels. When she questioned that tactic, he switched to the inside of a paper towel roll, held up to his eye and resting on the foot for “…a closer view.”
My favorite of all. LOL!!!!!!
 

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Bravo... love it Chester!!!!

Not sure which is funnier, the doctor with the viewmaster & papertowel roll or the new series "Greg & Greg + 8 other Gregs".

:D :D :D
 

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TDC – The Discovery Channel – hopes to continue to cash in on its reality show success this fall with the announcement of a new installment joining its ranks. “We’re excited,” says VP of Programming Vincent Remote. “This show takes the heart-warming aspects of Jon & Kate, the interesting worldview of Queer Eye/Straight Guy, and blends them with the psychological drama of the TV movie Sybil. And it’s all real!” The show, entitled “Greg & Greg + 8 Other Gregs,” will run on Tuesdays at 10PM, with encore presentations scheduled for TDC Weekends. Episode One, previewed at the press event announcing the show, introduced us to Greg, a Senior Meat Scientist and multiple personality, who joins in family with one of his iterations, Greg. They then adopt eight children, all named Greg, and hilarity ensues. The show has gotten the celeb endorsement of former boxer George Foreman, who was particularly touched by the style in which the Gregs named their children.
:D:D:D:D I am dying here.
 

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Oh my gosh, I couldn't pick one that was fuinnier than the rest, they are all hysterical!

Welcome back, Chester!!
 

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OMG.... that is so freaking funny. I literally have tears in my eyes from laughing.
8 gregs.... BWAHHAHAHHAAAAA

"what I did with the Nazis and the Nuns in ‘The Sound of Music!’" OMG...

Crap... It's all funny.

THANK YOU CHESTER. THAT WAS THE BOMB!!!!!!
 

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LOL! Very funny.
 
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