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I haven't had a good relationship with my parents for many years, mainly due to my father's anger, constant judgement and control issues. My father is now 76 y.o., about a year ago I started making attempts at a bit of a relationship, he's a very difficult person and can make my heart race in fear/anxiety. Since that time things have gotten better, he hasn't changed much but I guess I deal with it differently. I'm afraid to "open the door" too much for fear that it will all start all over again and I don't want to hurt anymore, it took too much work to deal with it the first time.

He's not all that healthy, SU and I visited and had dinner with them last week. It was "okay". He just called again to let me know he has the flu and my mother has bronchitis. Stupid me asked if I have to worry about him (as a joke since he always insists that no matter how old his kids get he worries about them) and he responds "you can come visit me". UGH....They live only 15 minutes away so it's close enough. I guess I have to stop over there tonight...right??? He's the kind of person that if I don't it will become a MAJOR issue and reason for an arguement about how disrespectful I am. By going over there just because he said so I fear it opens the door to his control again. Help!
 

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Set yourself some boundaries so he cannot get that control back. I realized when my mom was sick that although she has definitely not been the perfect mother, she does love me and I won't have her for that much longer. So I decided to spend more time with them, etc. I don't want to look back and wish I had dome things differently.
 

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zoezoe said:
Set yourself some boundaries so he cannot get that control back. I realized when my mom was sick that although she has definitely not been the perfect mother, she does love me and I won't have her for that much longer. So I decided to spend more time with them, etc. I don't want to look back and wish I had dome things differently.
Thanks Sandy, that's really what I need to hear, except the part for wishing I had done things differently, I'm sorry I didn't do what I did 20 years earlier, it would have saved me a lot of anguish.
 

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Oh Sandy made such a perfect post I can't add to or improve upon it.

I go through this mental anguish when I think about a visit home to see mom: "Is she going to mentally run me into the ground or am I going to have to level her first?"

It's SO disconcerting.

All the love from me, Randi.
 

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I just phoned them to let them know I'll be stopping by in a few minutes and told them I was going to provide entertainment....in the form of a yellow furball...JAKIE is coming with me. He can help keep my father UNFOCUSED!! Thanks guys...I'll post and UPDATE in about an hour or so!!
 

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Make the dog is your link - my mother had real anger issues and unfortunately I have some of her in me. Fortunately I deal with mine and have learned when to walk away and when to engage. Good luck tonight!
 
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Everypne has given good advice - set limits and approach everything on your terms. You are "in control" now. You can chose to continue the relationship...or not...depending on his acceptance of the terms. Hang in there!!
 

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I always take Gabby with me places that could be tense. She's a great defuser.
 

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theoconbrio said:
Good thinking! Dogs and babies ALWAYS make family visits more bearable.
That is the absolute truth!! Visits with my entire family are much easier with one of the dogs...I can just "talk to the dog" and ignore the people!! ;)

Good luck Randi...and I'm sure they will enjoy seeing your furchild!
 

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Jakie, Jakie, Jakie, my big, yellow, furry :angel: He really perked up the visit, my father suddenly felt livlier, of course my mother was wearing a black skirt which quickly turned to yellow fur....and my father was afraid Jake was going to catch his flu. He took a huge poop outside their coop...luckily I had a bag...he then walked on their coop's lawn...heaven forbid a dog should walk on the grass...my father saw this and told me not to let him do this since my father complains when other's dogs run free all over the place! THEY HAVE NEVER MET Jake or Duncan, they've only met Max and Einstein. My mother just kept commenting on how much Jake looks like Einstein (they look nothing alike, except that they were both yellow labs!!).

I brought carrots and of course had Jakie do the obligatory trick for each carrot, my father then asks me if I always torture my dogs with food and if they were starving?? My parents have never had a pet, my mother was always concerned about the "dirt", I'm sure once she sweeps her beautiful floors she may never let one of my boys in again!! LOL
 

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LOL...glad the visit went fairly well. My family isn't a dog in the house kinda family either, but Zoe goes to my grandmother's house but so far ONLY ZOE!! ;)
 

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Excellent!! I'm glad the visit went well. Labs are terrific flu/bronchitis medicine, aren't they? And when family situations get sticky, they're the perfect exit: "Jakey's gotta go, so I'll be running along now!" ;D
 
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