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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is an open letter written to the branch manager of Proctor and


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I

appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard CoreT or

Dri-WeaveT absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa

dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in

tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary

Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how

crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. . I can't tell you how safe and

secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the

curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting

right now.. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging

through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll

be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with

knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen

quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'

monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,

puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying

jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for

most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent

urge to shove her husband's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just

because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.

Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is

just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. Which brings me to the

reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach

inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and

there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy


Are you ##**#* kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think

happiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a menstrual

period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well,

did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there

will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack

yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you

don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a

sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull

your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi

pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent,

like "Put Down the Hammer" or Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you

just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately,

there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my

maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your

Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending

bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.


Wendi Aarons

Austin, TX
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