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I can't seem to go on

15K views 50 replies 27 participants last post by  ddiehl 
#1 ·
We brought Cinder home at 8 weeks old in the middle of a blizzard in 2002. She was such a little furball and we were so excited to be adding this second lab to our household. From the beginning, she tortured her older sister, chewing on her cheeks and chasing her around. In November of 2011, we noticed that she wasn't able to track her tennis balls as well. She loved playing and could catch just about any ball on the fly. She took her to a vision specialist and they couldn't find any problems and that is when we started hearing the word "tumor". I could have spent tons of money getting x-rays but then I would have been living every day in fear so my husband and I made every day wonderful. She had a seizure at the beginning of April, which terrified both my husband and myself. After that, her eyes really sagged but she was still energetic and loving. We were still thankful for everyday we had her.

Monday afternoon, she played like normal and then laid down in the living room. When her daddy came home, she stood up and seemed disoriented. She could hardly move her back legs and tucked her tail in between her legs when she moved. My husband laid her carefully on the ground and when he touched her inside hip, she let go the biggest yelp. We immediately loaded her in the car and scrambled to our vets office. They sedated her and did x-rays on her hips and her knees, both in perfect shape. They also looked at her belly and therein lies the problem. Our vet noticed a very large tumor that was pushing all her organs up and that at some point in time during the day, something must have ruptured and she was in a great deal of pain. We could either put her down or do surgery and since our vet still believed with her history of problems recently, we were still looking at a brain tumor.

My husband and I went out into the parking lot and held eachother and sobbed. We wanted to hang onto her but we also didn't want her to suffer and it was clear she was in pain. We made the decision to let her go. The vet, who who knew when she was 8 weeks old, would now be with her in the end. She woke up from the sedation and they brought her into the room so we could say goodbye. I couldn't help apologizing, thinking I had failed her in some way. My husband was a mess. She was a daddy's girl but she was her mother's world. The vet and an assistant came in to give her the shot and we pet her and talked to her until she passed. It broke our hearts in two.

I sobbed as I cleaned yesterday because I could still see the indentation of her in the carpet in the living room and the dust bunnies had her black hair in them. She leaves behind her 12 year old sister, who will probably be crossing the Rainbow Bridge to be with Cinder soon. I feel like someone keeps stabbing me in the heart and I want to scream from the ache. She was only 9.5 and should have been with us for a few more years. It is completely unfair and I don't know how I can go on.

I take heart knowing she is with other labs across the Rainbow Bridge but I still want my baby girl with me. I'm taking things hour by hour at this point and hope the healing starts soon.

Dog bed Dog Canidae Dog breed Puppy


Dog Vertebrate Dog breed Canidae Mammal


Dog Canidae Dog breed Dog bed Companion dog
 
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#8 ·
Thank you all for your kind words and support. It was a rough day as I cleaned her food dish and put toys away and got a beautiful card from the vet. Every time i see a black hair, I tear up and the hair seems to be everywhere. My husband came home and cried for his little girl. He wants the sadness to go away and I do too but we have to be atrong for eachother and for Abbey. I am glad I came back to this forum. It is like coming back to family after a long vacation.
 
#10 ·
Tears here too. I am so sorry. I know how you feel. We lost our Maggiemay last May in a similar way. I still cry for her, and I remember just wanting the pain to stop. My heart breaks for you and the loss of sweet Cinder. About a month after we lost Maggie, we brought home Sophie. She in no way took Maggie's place, but made her own place in our hearts. When you are ready, a puppy will help you grieve.
 
#16 ·
Today was a good day for me. I kept busy at the barn with my horse and when I came home, I spent some time with Abbey, the lab left behind, loving her up. I could use some advice on helping the hubby out. He is still absolutely devastated. Cinder was his entire world and it crushes me when he goes into the bedroom, lays down, and sobs for his lost little girl. I don't know what to say or what to do for him to help him heal. He said that he wants the pain and the heaviness to go away and it hasn't gotten any better for him. I have a feeling that when we go and pick up the ashes, I will have to keep them in my home office because he won't be able to look at that box for quite a while. I have come to the accepting phase because I knew hanging onto her would have been selfish and she was in pain and would not have dealt with a long surgery and longer recovery. Any advice or suggestions would be helpful. Thanks again for all the sympathies and words of kindness. It is very appreciated and has really helped me deal with this.
 
#17 ·
It really just takes time. When I lost Ozzy last year I could not stand the pain, I couldn't even look at pictures of him. It took months before I could talk about him or hear someone say his name without breaking down. Time really does help heal your heart. I also got a puppy 3 mos later and that helped tremendously. After a year without him my heart still hurts but I can talk about him without crying and I can laugh when one of my kids tells a story involving one of his silly antics. Just give your husband time and let him mourn, if he needs to talk - be there to listen, if he needs to cry - let him. I don't think his grief is out of porportion to the time she has been gone. Just be there for each other, it really is all you can do. ((((Hugs))))
 
#19 ·
My husband and I were so devastated when we lost our Maggiemay, she was 12. We really wondered if we'd be able to love another dog like we did her. I was like you, and I couldn't bear the loss. My husband and I both cried easily. We decided to get a puppy. We met with a breeder and picked out Sophie. We had to wait 3 weeks to bring her home. It was a long wait, but to tell you the truth, the videos and pictures the breeder sent helped us in our grief. I remember the first time I laughed after losing Maggie was after watching the video the breeder sent of 5 week old Sophie barking at the cat! The flowers were taller than she was, and the cat much bigger than her, but here was our tough girl barking away at the cat! (The cat seemed un fazed, Sophie didn't seem to notice:) ) The day we picked her up, the breeder said something about Sophie's white on her chest, and my husband picked Sophie up and said: "She's just perfect" We had to drive 2 hours home and Sophie slept in his arms. The first night home, we crated her and she was crying up a storm. I fell asleep and woke up to silence. I got up and found my husband asleep in the living room floor, curled around Sophie, while she slept flat on her back. From that night forward, she has slept between us. I am telling you this to assure you that if you get a puppy, you won't be forgetting Cinder. In a way, it honors her to have a baby in the house and share some of the love you have for her with the new puppy. I can truly tell you, that I don't know where we would be today if we hadn't gotten Sophie. We were grieving so hard. The funny thing is, it almost seems like Sophie is channeling Maggie. They do so many of the same things and Sophie often looks at us with Maggie eyes. So my advice is for you is to think seriously about getting a puppy. It helps with the raw pain. We still miss our Maggie girl, I still shed tears at her pictures, but I know just how much Sophie has helped us. Good luck and please feel free to talk anytime you need to. :)
 
#20 ·
I am sorry for your loss. As Nathan says we understand the pain of having to say goodbye. That final act of love is the hardest thing we have to do when loving our dogs.
I wish there were words to help your pain, but know only too well your heart feels like it has been ripped out.

I said goodbye to Kassa 7 years ago and her bowl, blanket and toys are still untouched.
Treausre you memories.
 
#21 ·
I am so sorry for your loss. It's difficult enough when they grow older, but to have such a sudden shock is terrible. (We had this type of shock with our first dog.) It's heartbreaking. It will get better. Cinder knew that she was loved. Godspeed, Cinder.
 
#23 ·
I am so very sorry for your loss. I am trying to work through my own crushing grief and knowing that others out there feel the same way about their fur children helps me know I am not crazy.

Cinder feels no pain and hopefully today runs free with my Brinkley.
 
#24 ·
sorry for your loss

we just lost our 9 year old yellow lab to cancer unexpectedly, and I totally understand your feelings! The second day after we had to put him down I was buying food for my other dog and started thinking of Max. I suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe when I thought of him not being here anymore. I couldn't sleep or eat much for two weeks and was walking around in a daze.

This week I went thru severe guilt because I started researching dogfood and treats and discovered I fed him a lot of chemicals during his lifetime. If I had known what was in the good night treats I gave him I would never have fed them to him. Even though the vet says his cancer was genetic, I wonder if I didn't help it get started by the chemicals I gave him. So, there were a LOT of tears this week, again.

I am trying to bring up good memories with my family so we think of the good times, not just the last week of illness. I made a photo album of just Max and a memory box of his blanket, collar, etc. I can even open it up and smell his blanket and his sweet smell if I need to.
It will get easier, but it will take time. Let yourselves grieve, your lab was a member of your family.
 
#25 ·
So Sorry

Very sorry for your loss. Cinder was a lovely girl. Going through the same thing now. It will be one month on the 30th, but today is Saturday and it happened on a Saturday. My Saturdays will never be the same. My Jack went everywhere with me on Saturdays, all those errands I saved for the weekend, he was there 100%.

I have been coming here years, never joined. I always used you all for advice and laughs. Today I came on because I needed more advice, guess I'll post that later. But I am glad I read your post. I know I am not alone in my grief. I feel soooooo out of it, I cry so much. I have panic attacks, I can't breath, have had chest pain. It's been awful. My pretty girl, Kayce, keeps looking at me, then at the door. I feel she thinks I forgot to bring Jack home from our Saturday outting. It hurts more.

I am a clean person, but I can't mop my floor. I have vac'ed, but can't mop. He was drooling due to the pain. I can still see it on my floor. Part of coping, I have deep cleaned my already clean house. I just can't clean the last drool, and unseen pawprints on my hardwoods. It's like little bits of him are being erased from my house each day. I broke down when his last poo finally disappeared in my yard. Weird yes, but it happened so fast, he went downhill so fast....I had cleaned up the yeard because I had a professional photographer come over the last couple days when I realized I wasn't going to have long. She was down in the grass. So I knew where he went last. And when it was gone, one more bit of him left this earth.

Sending you as big a hug as I can!
 
#26 ·
Just now seeing this and I can't tell you how sorry I am for your loss. Cinder was about the same age as my Judy and I can't imagine how heartbreaking it would be to lose her first. Abbey must be missing her too.
I know how you are feeling now, but please consider getting a puppy. It is never too soon after such a loss; you will not be disrespecting Cinder's memory and you will not be "replacing" her. It will ease the pain.
 
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