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having a rough time today

3K views 40 replies 33 participants last post by  BlackLabJax 
#1 ·
On and off, I keep remembering Shadow and missing her intensely. :'( Buddy has been destroying most of the stuffed animals that she loved to play with, one by one. This morning, he started to de-stuff her favorite ball, a black and white soccer ball, and I lost it. :-[ I yelled at him and took it away so he couldn't destroy it. I feel so bad, it isn't his fault that he's not Shadow and that he doesn't play the same way she did. It's just really bothering me today.

Often, I'll wake up during the night and think of her last day, how sad and miserable she was when I took her to emergency, how bad I felt because I couldn't make her better, and then how I just kept stroking her soft, silky cheek and ear after she had crossed the Bridge, telling her how much I loved her - and I start bawling and just can't stop.

I'm just having a really bad day. I want my Shadow back! I think maybe getting Buddy when we did was a mistake after all, because I'll never love him as much as I loved Shadow. It's not fair to him.
 
#2 ·
I'm sorry you are having a bad day. The whole process of grieving is so hard. Yes, there will be times when you look a Buddy and think how he is not like Shadow. You are developping a relationship with Buddy and it is hard not to compare. I would suggest ( and this is just a suggestion) that you put Shadow's old toys away and let Buddy have the new ones. It is still too hard for you to watch Buddy destroy Shadow's things. It is like saying goodbye to Shadow over and over again, and you are not ready to do that yet.
Hope today is a better day for you. I'll be thinking about you
Pat
 
#3 ·
Jackie..I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Maybe if you try to think of it in this way..Shadow was Shadow, you'll always love her and miss her, and that Buddy was not a replacement for Shadow but a new and different Lab to enjoy and love in a different way than you did Shadow. I know that didn't come out right. It's like parents who lose a child, if they have another..it's not the one that died, it's a new complete personality that most likely will be nothing like the child that died. You learn to love the next one, and it helps not to compare..because the odds of getting two labs exactly alike in personality are slim.
I agree..put Shadow's toys away..and start with Buddy toys..and let him enjoy them in his way!!!
Feel better, Jackie
 
#4 ·
Time Jackie, lots of time.

I honestly was not right for almost a year after Maggy died. I didn't sleep for months and would wake in the middle of the night and just cry for her. I was miserable and not a nice person to be around. Slowly, VERY slowly I started to get better and finally I was able to let go. Like you, I felt so bad that I could not fix her. An 8 year old dog is not supposed to die.

You will come around in your own time, and Buddy will be there to love you and be your best friend when the time is right. He will never be Shadow, no one ever will, but he will be your loving companion for many years to come. Take a few of Shadow's special toys and save them somewhere safe, or put them on a shelf next to her picture.

Your friends are here for you. Most of us know exactly how you feel.
 
#5 ·
Oh Jackie,

I am so sorry. I can tell you that I have felt that way before. Even if you have 2 dogs and lose 1 when you see the one remaining using the others toys, bed dishes etc you think it isn't right.

I agree put away Shadows things and get Buddy some of his own. That way when he eats, sleeps and plays it is not a constant reminder of Shadow. Also remember even though you feel like maybe it was to soon and you cannot love Buddy as much as you loved Shadow you are giving him a much much better life then he had. Your love for Shadow grew and you have to give Buiddy enough time for your love of him to grow.

Buddy is a good little guy and all he wants is your approval so remember Shadow would want you to be happy. You might try toys he cannot destuff. I know Cinnamon loves her tire and Cuz toys. He will do things Buddy's way which is just fine.

Buddy will never replace Shadow but he will fill a different spot in your heart if you let him.
 
#6 ·
Jackie....I am so sorry that this is one of the "very bad days". :'( I also got Beau very soon after losing Mocha and believe me...I felt the very same way for a very long time. But remember...you did not replace Shadow nor the love you have for her. You saved and brought a new pup into your home to share your love with. You will continue to have sad days,. But I promise, with time---lots of time, you will begin remembering Shadow with a smile through the tears. I too got Beau soon after losing Mocha and went through many of the same feelings....let yourself cry. I agree with the others--put Shadow's things away and get Buddy his own toys to play with....and then just enjoy him. With time you will find out just how much you do love him.

HUGS
 
#7 ·
I totaly understand. It'll be a year tomorrow that we had Mick pts, and I miss him terribly. For some reason, Caleb has been pretty good with Mick's toys. But, I just couldn't bring myself to let him play with Mick's all time faovrite- an old, beat up volleyball. It's up in the hall closet, along with a ratty old tug rope that Kole didn't want to see destroyed. (((hugs)))
 
#9 ·
I understand too..,.... It takes a LONG time for those feelings to mellow...... you will never "get over" Shadow, but only time helps make the feelings not hurt so much.,....... I agree that putting ALL of Shadow's things away is a good idea....... I still have Napoleons choke collar that he wore all the time... and I would never think of letting another dog wear it.... it's been 5 years since we lost him....... Give Buddy all new toys..... and don't hate yourself for feeling as if you don't like Buddy the same way, because you never will love him the same..... it will be a different love..... and I think it's that way for all of them..... it's been 5 years, but at times I walk past Napoleons grave and tell him I miss him and wish he were still here with me........ I can STILL break down and cry over losing him........ it's not been that long since Shadow.... just give yourself time........ ((((hugs))))

Melissa
;)
 
#11 ·
((((((HUGS)))))))) I would also suggest putting some of Shadows toys away and getting Buddy new ones. Dont' feel too bad that you can't love Buddy as much as Shadow. Whether it was too soon or not, who knows. But you have him now and I know that you'll take very good care of him. Don't try to love him as much as Shadow - enjoy him as Buddy. Hope your day gets better.
 
#12 ·
I'm sorry you are feeling so blue. I have felt the same way over my Doodle that we lost 3 yrs ago. Shadow was unique, Shadow was Shadow. You need to put her toys away, and give Buddy his own. One thing that will help you both is time. Time to grieve Shadow and time to learn and love Buddy for himself. We never love the same way twice. But that doesn't mean that we can't love as much, it's just harder sometimes. I put Doodles favorite toy, her collar and leash in my closet. When I die, I will have something of each of my dogs in my casket to take with me on the journey to the other side. Maybe a toy, a collar, a tag who knows but that gave me a lot of peace when I was grieving Doodle. I still grieve, I still miss her, and always will. It just is easier to think about her and miss her now. Time, Jackie, time is what it takes. {{{HUGS}}}
 
#13 ·
I'm so sorry. The only thing I can suggest that I don't think has come up is to find something you are passionately interested in and have at it. Keep your mind and body busy. Maybe take Buddy to obedience or puppy agility school. No, he'll never replace Shadow, that's not how it's meant to be. Memories live on, and if you can focus on the happy times, it may help as well. But, I agree, it takes time, lots of it, after you lose your heart dog. Hugs. -Anne
 
#14 ·
Jackie I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time. I can't add much what the others have said. It is very good advice. I'm sure you feel that Buddy has no respect for Shadow's memory by destroying her toys and that is making you feel resentful of him right now. I know that you know he is not capable of understanding the depth of your hurt. I agree with the others -- put Shadow's toys away and give Buddy all new toys. Your hurt will heal in time, as Joe said -- and some days will hurt more than others. Be gentle with yourself and your love for Buddy will grow. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
 
#15 ·
Jackie ... those intense "pains" you feel are really no more than the measuremet of your love for Shadow. And you're supposed to feel that way and it's not bad. Don't be concerned that the love you feel for Buddy is "less or different. That too is very normal and ok. While most people feel that it's wrong, often the love for one of your children is stronger than it might be for others. We just don't acknowledge it

Having owned 9 dawgs over my lifetime, 7 of whom have passed, I do understand and very much relate to what you are feeling right now. I'm sure that you can tell I love my Cappy and Remi very much ... but Cappy is just a little more special and I'm not ashamed to say I feel that way.

Remember "a few years back" when you first fell in love and the pain was so intense at times. It eased with time. So will the "unpleasant pangs" you feel about Shadow now. They will be replaced by happy thoughts of the good memories, eventually. Love Buddy differently and tell him that you feel that way. He'll understand. After all, he's a Lab too.
 
#17 ·
Cross-posted from Odds & Ends thread

<<HUGS>> to you, I know this is hard. These some of these thoughts may have been posted previously but I wanted to share a few of mine with you. If you have things that belonged to Shadow, why do you keep them for yourself rather then giving them to Buddy, that way you will have something physical to remember Shadow by.

Buddy is a different dog than Shadow so you will have to "like" him in a different way and appreciate his different good qualities. I love my three dogs and boy are they sure different. Doesn't mean that on occasion I don't wish dog one had a quality that dog two has. But I love them as they are (and work on those "bad" qualities, )

After reading your posts for quite some time, I don't get the impression that you are a one dog person. Meaning, owning one dog and then never again. Both you and your SU seem to have a lot of love for animals, and I think that you are just going through an adjustment period with losing Shadow and getting Buddy. Your wound is still raw and healing. Don't be too hard on yourself just now. (Again these are just my impressions)

When you say you'll never love him as much as Shadow, well I take it to mean that you won't love Buddy the same way that you loved Shadow. I think you will come to love Buddy as much but in a different way.

Hugs Again, to you, the SU, and Buddy.
Jeanne
 
#18 ·
I am sorry you are having a rough day. It is so hard when you have those feelings. I may have mentioned this a few years back but I will share it again with you. Just so you know you are not alone & others have had those feelings.
I was heartbroken when our Shadow died. I swore I was not getting another dog...ever.
When I finally felt I was ready, we got Molly. She was so different then Shadow. She would bite at my ankles, put holes in my pajama legs (while I was wearing them, chew like there was no tomorrow. 3 remotes, 2 pair of shoes & a purse....ruined while my eyes were off of her for a minute. She was a little demon.
I felt bad, I even told SU I didn't think I like her. :(
With training & patience & as she got older...she wormed her way into my heart. She will never replace Shadow...she is not Shadow, I have learned that. But I would feel awful many times for feeling the way I did.
Sorry this is so long. But I wanted to let you know I know exactly how you are feeling.
It will be 5 years since Shadow crossed the bridge & I still miss her & think of her every day. But I love Molly & now Abby so much.
I often wondered if we have these feelings because we hold back, we don't want to have another heartbreak. But I found it happens, the love comes again. I just try not to think about what will happen & I just enjoy them every day I have them.
(((((HUGS)))))
 
#20 ·
There's not a person who gives his or her heart to a dog that doesn't come to the day when it hurts like hell. I'm so sorry today is one of them for you. We all understand and are here to vent to.

Plenty of good advice upthread. Your relationship with Shadow was 1 in million; your relationship with Buddy will be 2 in a million... not the same by any stretch but, with time, fulfilling and loving and full of devotion. Satisfying, but different.

((Hugs)) to you on this dim day.... :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
 
#22 ·
Sorry Jackie. The healing process takes a very long time. Your love for Buddy will grow to every bit as stong, but it will occupy a different space in your heart. I personally would take Shadows toys and put them away, take Buddy shopping for his own toys, it would be good for both of you. I think when we are hurting we tend to 2nd guess so many things. Go bury your head in Buddy's fur and have a good cry.
 
#23 ·
Thank you again. I have taken some of Shadow's toys and put them away, to save. For some reason, seeing Buddy use her dishes, crate, and bed doesn't bother me - just his destroying the toys she loved to play with. Then we played, Buddy and I, and I brushed him outside. I am feeling better, though still hurting for my girl. That will ease in time, I know. :-\
 
#24 ·
Good for you Jackie..one day will come when you'll look at Buddy and think to yourself..what WAS I thinking..or not!! LOL
Just imagine if you didn't have Buddy..would you really be happier without him? He's really a lucky dog to have found you..no pun intended..because I know in your heart..you love him..just differently.
Jackie


AmazonGold said:
Thank you again. I have taken some of Shadow's toys and put them away, to save. For some reason, seeing Buddy use her dishes, crate, and bed doesn't bother me - just his destroying the toys she loved to play with. Then we played, Buddy and I, and I brushed him outside. I am feeling better, though still hurting for my girl. That will ease in time, I know. :-\
 
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