SSDD..

[MidwestGirl]

She has only had 3 paychecks and averages 20-25 hrs per paycheck (biweekly) so needless to say most of it goes in her gas tank, and the rest is either spent on make up, hair products, hair appointments and she did buy me a birthday present and card last pay period.

[Sams Mom]

Ditto what everyone else has said. Take the car away. I'd be tempted to drive her to school and make sure she goes to her first class. Talk about humiliation. Mom going to class with me.

Anyhow, I don't envision myself in your situation for a few years, so I have no meaningful advice. Good luck.

[Ender's Mom]

So she reaps the benefit from working (you do not require her to pay you for her food/clothing/shelter or put any other limitations on that money like that she has to save a certain percentage or whatever)... then it's her responsibility to get her own butt to work.

If that responsibility is she needs to attend school in order for you to allow her to use the car, then that is the rule. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts. No promises to be better... she's used up all of those I think

I wouldn't offer to drive her to her job. It's her responsibility to take care of whatever she needs to take care of to get there if she wants to have money to do fun things. Frankly... having ACCESS to a car without having to pay for it is more advantage than a lot of kids get and would love to have that for the mere price of going to school. She needs to learn this and the only way is for you to put your foot down and make her learn it or learn to do without.

Good luck... stay strong... stay as calm as possible... and take care of yourself!!! This last step is important! You are still setting an example even if she doesn't appear to be listening or watching... she is.

[Lab Dad]

Has your daughter been part of the meetings with the counselor, principal, and teachers?
Is there an adult she looks up to that could be an mediator/advocate that could be part of the meetings with you and her?

[BauersMom]

This really sucks! I agree that you have to let her learn from her actions. It's hard, it sucks, you will feel like a horrible person . . . but it is what she needs. You have taught her what to do, it's her turn to do it.

I would make sure you have a united front with your husband, write down her responsibilities (school, work, help around the house, etc.) and the consequences for not fulfilling her responsibilities (no car, no job, no phone, no friends, no ANYTHING). Have it written down ahead of time and sit down and discuss it calmly. Say what you have to say, and leave it at that. Yelling and getting mad doesn't work. If I argue with my oldest son, I know that he thinks we're on the same level and he thinks that he has a "dog in the fight." He doesn't, so there is no reason for me to argue with him. I say what I have to say, and walk away. It works. After you have laid out the responsibilities and consequences, you have to stick to it. As much as it hurts, as much as we don't want to see them fail . . . we have to let them. Sometimes that is the only thing that works.

We have a 16 1/2 year old girl living with us right now (family member, long story), and her world is about as big as a postage stamp. She can't be trusted with anything, and isn't. No phone, no Internet, no driving, no going out with friends, NOTHING. She came to live with us in November, and refused to go to school (didn't want to start mid-semester and hadn't gone this year anyway). Her consequences for not going to school: She stayed here with me all day long, she got up at 6:30am, and had a list of chores as long as her arm every day. By January, she was begging to go to school; I think she was tired of cleaning bathrooms and mopping floors. With her is a little different because her choices are live here or live in Juvenile Hall, but to live here she has responsibilities and she has consequences. It really didn't take her long to start to lose her know-it-all attitude (and she had been building that attitude for years). It will turn around, just be strong and consistent.

[SharonaZamboni]

My youngest daughter was a real pain, running around, skipping school, etc. She got pregnant with a crummy guy at 18. She took dual-enrollment for her senior year in HS, where she had online college classes that would fulfill her credits to graduate HS while earning college credits. Screwed that up by failing, tried again, screwed up again $$$. Luckily, she was in vocational school and had gotten her CNA certificate, so she can find work.
Add to this the legal problems with the baby's father, more $$$. She does all the paperwork, court dates, etc. They are her responsibility.
Anyhow, she and her son live in subsidized housing, she says she'll be getting a GED soon, and will then go for nursing. She is a spectacular mother, unlike most of her former HS friends, who are unfit mothers.
She has learned that she needs to finish school, pay bills, care for her child. Obviously not how I wanted things to happen, but it's still OK. Everyone needs to grow up, and some find themselves doing it much earlier than they'd like.
I've learned that you can't make people do something. You can try, but they will do what they want. Explain the issues, provide reasonable support for correct decisions, but sometimes experiencing consequences is the only thing that works.
Hope things get better for you soon

[Samson]

I agree. Sit her down and let her read the whole thread. Make her I mean.

[Labs4life]

I notice many folks are saying at the age of 17 your daughter needs to find her own way. I guess the 'legal' interpretation for parental responsibility is 18 years. Personally i think differently, being legal at 18 and having responsibility for your child up until 18 is the only leverage you have. In many states more and more parents are held liable for the actions of there teens.

As long as she is 17, as long as you are her guardian, as long as you are legally responsible for her, she should have no say whatsoever in YOUR obligations as a parent. it is nice to have Lifetime channel ,touchy feely dramas which end with happily ever after. Reality is she needs to go to school, she needs at a minimum a HS diploma and until she is 18 and you emancipate her,she has no saying in the matter.

set the rules. period. She doesn't comply and she is truant. Call the cops or whatever trauncy enforcement you have. Actions/consequences.
As a guardian the bare minimum needs to be met. Food, shelter, clothing,education, safety. If you think about it, what are the grounds that child services would remove a child from home? Those 5 things. Focus only on the minimum.

[BigBrownDog]

As long as she is 17, as long as you are her guardian, as long as you are legally responsible for her, she should have no say whatsoever in YOUR obligations as a parent. it is nice to have Lifetime channel ,touchy feely dramas which end with happily ever after. Reality is she needs to go to school, she needs at a minimum a HS diploma and until she is 18 and you emancipate her,she has no saying in the matter.

set the rules. period. She doesn't comply and she is truant. Call the cops or whatever trauncy enforcement you have. Actions/consequences.
As a guardian the bare minimum needs to be met. Food, shelter, clothing,education, safety. If you think about it, what are the grounds that child services would remove a child from home? Those 5 things. Focus only on the minimum.

I totally agree with this. I also think that the school system should be involved in this. When I was a senior, and 17, I cut school (one and only time) and got caught. The school suspended me and my mother had them require me to serve the suspension for a week sitting on my butt in the vice principal's office. One of the more embarrassing and humiliating experiences of my life up to that point. I never tried that again.

And I think you need to make her go to school even if it means that you pull her out of bed by her hair and walk her into the building to her first class. Its her primary responsibility at this point in her life - it's her job to study and graduate. I'd never make that her choice to do or not do.

[Jinx]

she needs to make her own mistakes and deal with the consequences. she has had it pretty cushy with you and takes it for granted. she works so start charging her rent NOW. tell her that dropping out of school is HER choice but at that time her rent will go up, she will pay utilites and you will take her car and phone and she will need to provide these things for herself. screaming and ranting will get you nowhere. she knows how to get you worked up. you need to approach her calmly.